soul

Fields of Praise

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The greatest muse I will ever know,  present in every word that I ever wrote.

No other love I can ever aquire, no other thing could pull me from the mire.

I have been lost through years of mediocrity, filled with nothing but animosity.

I sought inspiration in anything that would offer, though I gained nothing… what did it all profer?

I have fallen in multitudes, I have fallen in droves, yet still you seek me out to lay in your groves.

I graze in your green fields where I prosper in peace, somehow out of the wolve’s mouth I see myself released.

Even still, I run from your fields, fleeing from my fealty, expecting better quicker yields.

I seek things in my time and lack trust in your perfection, when I do not receive an immediate answer I pick my own direction.

I think myself wise enough to choose my own path, I find failure ad nauseam, and I am deserving of your wrath.

Yet instead I find mercy, salvation in the blood; by great sacrifice I am yours, when I had thought the gate shut.

By all rights I should be exiled from your pastures, yet even as I run you chase after all the faster.

No escape from this love, and so there is a desperation to write, to glorify God, and to bring the nations to light.

So use me where you have me, let the big picture be clear, whatever your will I certainly shall adhere.

I will go, I will stay, I will listen, and I will speak; whatever you ask, I now know it is only you that I was made to seek.

Trust and Praise

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Fervently I come to sing all praise, to glorify the father with the rest of my days.

My days may be numbered, but I need not count, so long as I spend them praising thy fount.

You have overflowed mercy upon this wrech; you have sought me when from your presence I fled.

You seek me never ceasing, when I am nothing, just one lost sheep, still you say your love is mine to keep.

So I set you here my firm foundation, a path well laid so I would seek your nations.

You first sought me when it didn’t make sense, so I will go seeking the earth no matter how immense.

Make me a servant, don’t allow me to retreat, I heed this call, I move quickly my feet.

Your commission is clear though my means are few, I know you’ll provide as you always do.

Admiration Unspoken

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So much wells up within me but I can’t give it a name, how do I feel, am I going insane?

What is this season, what am I to do, there is so much to admire, yet I hold on to the truth.

The truth of compliments that go unspoken, words I will not say, we’ve barely spoken, and so I stay.

I know my place, I couldn’t disturb your peace, I’m undeserving, and so I should simply cease.

Cease these feelings and the way that they grow, but I can’t help wanting to learn more, wanting to know.

I want to know you, to decide how I truly feel, are you a passing muse, or could this be something real.

Only time will tell, perhaps courage on my part, prayer plays it’s role, and so I’ll look for the timing to start.

This may never begin, but even if so, I’ll write you the words of my heart, so that my passion wont betray me, so I wont pull myself apart.

These words, these feelings, they matter to me as of now, I am glad to have expressed them, even if they never become sound.

I don’t need to speak, only to write, to release what wells up within, because it’s not worth the fight.

But you… I’d fight for, of this much I am sure, because I can tell you are marvelous, a smile so pure.

You are a light even if not one for me to know, you will light up many lives, you will help others to grow.

I’d be blessed to be among those who’s lives you will touch, but even if not, thank you, and good luck.

Psalm 40

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My God, do not delay, In this hear my anguish, hear me cry out, hear me pray.

I pray for haste, for persistence, I pray for wisdom, and deliverance.

Deliver me from myself oh Lord, as my flesh pulls me toward the mire, do not let me sink my God, set my feet somewhere higher.

Do not let me be lost to the desires that would drown me in damnation, I can’t allow myself to be stagnant so I return as a prodigal for the celebration.

I beg and cry for you not to delay, yet it is all I’ve done when I hear what you say.

You set my path, you plant my feet, yet I seek the mud, and I’m left in defeat.

My anxieties consume me, my prayers feel distant and weak, I feel you calling me, but I feel lower than meak.

Lately I question as often as I draw breath, am I sure of who I am, do I even have anything left?

I’m not sure what you want because I can’t even imagine how I would be used, I’ve fallen away so often that everything is bruised.

Ive played the fool as life has worn me down, but I want to find joy, I’m so tired of feeling like I’ll drown.

I dont want to panic, I want to catch my breath, I want to be of service, I want to give everything i have left.

So take it all God, I give it freely, if i never eat again I’ll still thank you that Im breathing.

I want to wake each morning with a heart that knows you are great, when the world is crashing around me it is then that I understand my fate.

My fate has been simple all along, it is in His hands, and in that trust is where I belong.

More simple than I ever imagined, more peaceful than my past could believe, in total surrender I have my reprieve.

Who am I that you would think of me, your deeds good and without measure it is in your presence that I find this pleasure.

Pleased with this peace, you are my God, you did not delay, you heard me cry out, and in that same moment I was saved.

Finding Foundation

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I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.

My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.

Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.

But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.

So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.

I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.

I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.

In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.

I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.

Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.

I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.

Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.

This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.

I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.

On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.

Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.

I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.

Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.

I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.

I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.

Loss is Gain

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A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.

A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.

I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.

I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.

These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.

I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.

I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.

There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.

People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.

Never to be Known

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She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.

She will never see the effect she had on me.

She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.

She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.

Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.

This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.

I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.

I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.

She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.

More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.

Divided Attention

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Can I see the forest for the trees? No, I am lost in the forest. It looks like the sea.

A sea of trees deep in the autumnal season, having lost all their leafs.

And through the bare branches, it is sun, shimmering on sap that sits and shines even when the day is done.

Because the night is not enough to take away this light.

The moon shines through the branches all the same, with starlight a fire flickers that does not burn, that does not maim.

Deep and unyielding, a sea of brown with flecks of silver and gold, the forest is alight, a story that is new yet old.

It is not that I see love in these trees. It is just that I am thankful that for a moment, they shined their light on me. 

We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.

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Pens and Pain

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It’s going to hurt a little, but that just means that what you feel is real, so ready yourself, become sturdy like steel.

The words that will come will be tied with a little pain, but there’s a reason they’re coming out, a reason they shouldn’t just stay in your brain.

You bleed with your words, you cry, you shout, this just means you’re alive, so try to stand stout.

Words can heal, and change perspective, they will always be worth writing even if they don’t achieve your intended objective.

Words hold power of life and death, so use them to love and don’t worry about the rest.

The pen uses blood more than it uses ink, so keep yourself healthy, and don’t be afraid to think.

So think with your heart and feel with your mind, if that doesn’t make sense then just give it time.

There is so much beauty in this life and it’s all worth expressing, even if it hurts, because those are life’s most beautiful and imactful lessons.