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Full Surrender

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Years have passed as I have wasted my calling, still as the minutes now pass I feel how near I am drawing.

I draw closer now as I give up each second, as time divides I acknowledge my lesson.

I have learned through great cost what I ought not have done, In realizing this I now know why I run.

I face that what I’ve wasted was not my own, I wasted God’s time and so seeds went unsowm.

As the years passed I must have missed so many chances, to grow the kingdom, to change peoples stances.

O where did you place me, where did you allow my foot to land; I find no joy in those places now, I can barely stand.

So I fall to me knees as a new page is turned, I give it all up, I’d watch it all burn.


I was lost yet now I am found, this freedom of surrender rings a beautiful sound.

The sound of peace as silence abounds, my thoughts no longer overtake me, I stand on solid ground.

Anxiety flees, as does sin,  and shame; I give God my whole life and thus I’ll never be the same.

You can have it all, I want nothing more than to know, oh God grant me the wisdom I need to grow.

I don’t want another second wasted, certainly not a year, God please send me, I know it’s overdue but finally I am here.

I have arrived at the end of myself, fill my life with nothing but you, that will be my wealth.

From this point on seconds, hours, years, this path is God’s alone, I have shaken all fears.


No more reservations, no more fight, or flight, a new day is dawning, and I choose to see solely by the saviors light.

In each and every moment God I am yours, I fully surrender, and I will live by your word.

Admiration Unspoken

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So much wells up within me but I can’t give it a name, how do I feel, am I going insane?

What is this season, what am I to do, there is so much to admire, yet I hold on to the truth.

The truth of compliments that go unspoken, words I will not say, we’ve barely spoken, and so I stay.

I know my place, I couldn’t disturb your peace, I’m undeserving, and so I should simply cease.

Cease these feelings and the way that they grow, but I can’t help wanting to learn more, wanting to know.

I want to know you, to decide how I truly feel, are you a passing muse, or could this be something real.

Only time will tell, perhaps courage on my part, prayer plays it’s role, and so I’ll look for the timing to start.

This may never begin, but even if so, I’ll write you the words of my heart, so that my passion wont betray me, so I wont pull myself apart.

These words, these feelings, they matter to me as of now, I am glad to have expressed them, even if they never become sound.

I don’t need to speak, only to write, to release what wells up within, because it’s not worth the fight.

But you… I’d fight for, of this much I am sure, because I can tell you are marvelous, a smile so pure.

You are a light even if not one for me to know, you will light up many lives, you will help others to grow.

I’d be blessed to be among those who’s lives you will touch, but even if not, thank you, and good luck.

Finding Foundation

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I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.

My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.

Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.

But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.

So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.

I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.

I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.

In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.

I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.

Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.

I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.

Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.

This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.

I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.

On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.

Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.

I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.

Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.

I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.

I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.

Never to be Known

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She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.

She will never see the effect she had on me.

She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.

She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.

Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.

This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.

I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.

I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.

She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.

More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.

Words and Walls

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You say words can’t pierce through this wall? But what if I write words worthy of making Jericho fall?

Words divined by inspiration from the heavens, words that are overflowing with detailed expression.

I express the feelings that have lain deep and dormant down in my soul, I set them free rather than take control.

So, these are the words that flow from my heart to page, I write them so that I may set the stage.

I cast the parts and design the show, all for a vision of something that can grow.

The curtains come up, and the walls come down all is revealed to an audience that doesn’t make a sound.

On the soundless stage, something new takes place.

Amidst the rubble and dust, the protagonist plays their part, a performer of the heart.

The heart grows stronger and knows what it wants, and so these words can be more blunt.

Blunt and sudden with a booming bellowing voice, the show has started, and so the heart can make a choice.

Do words have the potential to pierce through walls and veils? Or is this another day that words could not prevail?

In one final petition I ask that the performer play their part well. With the world a stage, the heart can certainly leave its shell.

We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.

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The Meaning is Life

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Life is not miserable, life in itself has deep and impactful worth. For too long I have allowed cynicism to slowly creep up around and overtake me, but once again I am given light from an unlikely place. I look to a fantasy book and I hear a message I’ve needed without knowing it. I had convinced myself that because this world feels so unredeemable, life feels so pitiless, and pain after pain follow my family and I that life had no worth beyond just making it faithfully to the end. I tucked my head in and was not depressed but I was not alive either! I died to myself and chose willingly to walk a path that was shallow and pointless saying that if I ignore the pain or injustice then I won’t have to feel it. And yet I have felt it these pains are all too real, they persist, but they are worth it. So, from two of the most unlikely places, I contrive for myself and ideally for others a meaning for these lives that we lead.


The first place from which I take this inspiration is from “Attack on Titan” from the speech by Erwin he states, “We all die. But does that mean our lives are meaningless? Does that mean that there was no point in our being born? Would you say that of our slain comrades? What about their lives? Were they meaningless?… They were not! Their memory serves as an example to us all! The courageous fallen! The anguished fallen! Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them! And as we ride to certain death, we trust our successors to do the same for us! Because my soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world! My soldiers push forward! My soldiers scream out! My soldier’s Rage!”. Each of these lines hold great value to the points I aim to make about life and why we live it even in spite of the suffering, pain, and difficulty we face. “Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them”, Not only do our own lives have meaning because of the hearts we live on in even in death but the impact our each and every choice is able to make on others means that all lives have meaning and hold weight. “My soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world!”, I consider myself a servant of Christ, and would hope that this statement would be able to be said for my service to God. And so, though the cruelty of this world feels insurmountable I stand, I do not buckle, I do not yield, even more so I live!


And yet one might ask what is the purpose of this path if it is filled with pain, what difference is the life you live if we all end in death the same as those before us. Of course, I believe in life after death but that does not give me an excuse to hurry it along nor does it make this life not worth living. The source that truly made me realize this was I feel just as unlikely “The Way of Kings” by Brandon Sanderson. Throughout this book a guiding mantra is set out that nagged at me until at the end of the book it fully set in and took hold of me causing me to write these feelings out. The quote is as follows. “Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.”. These words along with the surrounding text made me come to realize that the path itself is what I should aspire to live. In conjunction with the quotes from “Attack on Titan” I come to this point, we all die, rich, poor, beautiful, pitiful, loved, or lost in sorrow. We all die, but I would argue that almost certainly we do not all live. So, how do we live? We live by guiding principles, we do not focus on the death or the end we put life before death, strength before weakness, and journey before destination. Because we can not focus on the destination before us without fist focusing on how we get there. I believe that I aim to one day stand before God and have Him tell me “Well done my good and faithful servant, you have run your race well”, or at least something along those lines. And Yet I do not know if I have even reached the starting line of the race I am meant to run. I have stumbled, I have fallen, I have tripped over my own two feet time and time again. Even still God places inspiration in my path to show me the way no matter where I am.


So, I ask of any who would read this these things. Do you see your journey for what it is, do you understand that you have purpose, do you see your value, do you believe your journey is worth taking on. If you do not, I challenge you to reevaluate see your life for something more be strong before you are weak, but your journey before the destination, but most importantly put your life before your death. We are not just on a path to die, we wake each day to add value to all those around us, not just those we love. I challenge you to see that value in yourself, believe it to be real and strive to put better into the world. Each day is new and we have a chance for both self-betterment and to better the world around us. Life is difficult, sometimes it feels unbearable, but I promise with all that I am that it is worth baring, and that someone does care for you. I believe certainly that God cares for you but if that is not enough for you yet know that I do as well, even if I do not know you, I do. All human life is priceless. And yet something even more priceless was traded for us. The pain and love of my God was placed upon a cross and for me that makes my path clear. No matter the burden I put the destination far from my mind, I focus on my path, I do not see death in my future, for now I only see the life that I lead. I do not buckle, I do not yield, death has no grip on me, and so through finally truly living I am free.

Restoration in the Quiet

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I know that words do not have the power that I wish they did, there is so much more, and in that life’s mysteries are hid.

I wish with just my words I could change what people see and feel, but that is not true life…that is not what’s real.

Because words often aren’t enough, I’ll act, I’ll pray, I’ll try to give out love.

For love is not only expressed in words, it’s the actions, the attitudes, the heart that is stirred.

Now my heart has been stirred, and words were once again not sufficient, but in myself I still find a passion that is relentless.

I have purpose and my words still hold power, they come from a greater source, and so they are worth a painful hour.

For when words are not enough my Lord still makes me whole, words were not enough, yet still He restores my soul.

Ceaseless in Nature

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Every day since I’ve begun to write of the tremendous impact you’ve had on my life, I’ve wanted to go into detail on just your eyes.

But the words would not come, for there was too much to say, yet now the words are flowing and crashing like waves.

Just like the waves in you eyes, a seafoam forest speckled by sparkling lights.

Your eyes hold a galaxy fully unknown, yet I am here exploring, trying to know.

When my eyes meet yours my senses are set on fire, the way they shine I’m lost in desire.

A desire to know every emotion they hold, I see something more about to unfold.

They hold your emotion and create emotion in me, they are new life and growth, they are a seed.

A seed to start new, a seed to start again, I watch as it grows out never wanting the experience to end.

They are beauty and peace, yet they are a fiery sea, they ignite as do you, and so I know that those fiery eyes are true.

True in the sense that they create more than they destroy, in the midst of deep sorrow, they are my joy.

I am encompassed by them, sinking in their sea, I am enveloped, surrounded, by an ocean made of trees.

Trees that hold so much color though only one is usually seen, they hold every hue, the brightest and darkest of green.

Yet they are usually so bright, a sunrise sky that covers me, no more clouded vision, I am given sight.

Open skies, galaxies, and trees, I knew this would take many words and though I will, I still do not wish to cease.

Trial by Lightning

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My heart aches, so I must keep writing, in a world thats grown dark with storms I look to the lightning.

For lightning is fierce and destructive in nature but is also power instructed where to go by a savior.

So I look to the lightning to inspire my thoughts, lost in a storm but I am learning allot.

I’m learning once again what it’s like to feel this way, to see a woman, and see my heart turn to color when it was gray.

The lightning has struck and electrified my soul, in the distraction of the storm it was my heart that she stole.

But for once a theif in the night is a welcome sight.

I see her run with my heart in the glow of the lightning, and I welcome these feelings even though they’re frightening.

I don’t expect my feelings to be returned, yet still in this storm i can’t help but yearn.

Coated in the rain yet still I thirst, to know her more would be to lift my curse.

To escape from the storm and be inspired by the sun, all I need to do is catch up to her, and so I run.

I run by the lightning as it strikes by my steps, yet I still run faster for she is worth the loss of breath.

I fear nothing now for I know what I seek I step out of the storm into the sun, and she is now all that I see.