Facing a birthday I dont want to have; what legacy would I leave if today was my last?
When all my days are accounted for, how many did I waste? I look to the mirror with an awful taste.
I blame the man I see once again for all that I’ve felt, “why didnt you do better”, I scream I belt!
You could have been more if you just put in the effort, so why did you wallow in such foolish, false, comfort.
You disappoint with each day that you live, you’ve accomplished nothing, you have nothing to give.
You’ve amounted to a failure and I dont think you’ll ever be more, you’ve reached new depths, found a new floor.
You disgust me in ways I can’t possible express, if you weren’t already so low I would demand you feel like less.
You’re a hollow, shriveling, waste of a man, In all your life you’ve never taken a stand.
You fall endlessly, you fail tremendously,… yet I see you get to your feet ever relentlessly.
You smile back no matter how I beat you down, you walk forward refusing to let me drown.
Another in the mirror stands by your side, I know I’m not alone, I know in whom I can confide.
Christ my foundation, my ever present friend, you demand fondness for my reflection, you bid me to stand.
So stand I must, but first I kneel, to pray at your feet is to find peace in your will.
Another year that felt wasted, but In your hands I’m made whole, I see your plans unfolding, your glory the goal.
Because if even I can be used then anyone can be saved, I forgive the man in the mirror thankful for the path that’s been paved.
Insomnia
Fields of Praise
The greatest muse I will ever know, present in every word that I ever wrote.
No other love I can ever aquire, no other thing could pull me from the mire.
I have been lost through years of mediocrity, filled with nothing but animosity.
I sought inspiration in anything that would offer, though I gained nothing… what did it all profer?
I have fallen in multitudes, I have fallen in droves, yet still you seek me out to lay in your groves.
I graze in your green fields where I prosper in peace, somehow out of the wolve’s mouth I see myself released.
Even still, I run from your fields, fleeing from my fealty, expecting better quicker yields.
I seek things in my time and lack trust in your perfection, when I do not receive an immediate answer I pick my own direction.
I think myself wise enough to choose my own path, I find failure ad nauseam, and I am deserving of your wrath.
Yet instead I find mercy, salvation in the blood; by great sacrifice I am yours, when I had thought the gate shut.
By all rights I should be exiled from your pastures, yet even as I run you chase after all the faster.
No escape from this love, and so there is a desperation to write, to glorify God, and to bring the nations to light.
So use me where you have me, let the big picture be clear, whatever your will I certainly shall adhere.
I will go, I will stay, I will listen, and I will speak; whatever you ask, I now know it is only you that I was made to seek.
A Tool Maintained
Make me a tool befitting of your hand, teach me where to go, teach me where to stand.
Sharpen and maintain me no matter the cost, I know to whom I belong, no longer am I lost.
Mold me, break me, make me anew, no matter the price, my trust in you.
Carve out whats rotten, prune this branch, wherever you’ll use me I’ll heed your command.
Not sure what I’ll be when you finish your mold, but I know I’ll be yours so I’ll watch it unfold.
To become a tool befitting of God my King, I must be fully reforged though the fire may sting.
Forged by fire unrelenting and righteous, here I have found a love that is priceless.
Yet a price was paid, beyond all measure, through Christ I’m remade, a tool that He treasures.
I can never earn this even if relentless, yet I will forever try, until my praise is endless.
Full Surrender
Years have passed as I have wasted my calling, still as the minutes now pass I feel how near I am drawing.
I draw closer now as I give up each second, as time divides I acknowledge my lesson.
I have learned through great cost what I ought not have done, In realizing this I now know why I run.
I face that what I’ve wasted was not my own, I wasted God’s time and so seeds went unsowm.
As the years passed I must have missed so many chances, to grow the kingdom, to change peoples stances.
O where did you place me, where did you allow my foot to land; I find no joy in those places now, I can barely stand.
So I fall to me knees as a new page is turned, I give it all up, I’d watch it all burn.
I was lost yet now I am found, this freedom of surrender rings a beautiful sound.
The sound of peace as silence abounds, my thoughts no longer overtake me, I stand on solid ground.
Anxiety flees, as does sin, and shame; I give God my whole life and thus I’ll never be the same.
You can have it all, I want nothing more than to know, oh God grant me the wisdom I need to grow.
I don’t want another second wasted, certainly not a year, God please send me, I know it’s overdue but finally I am here.
I have arrived at the end of myself, fill my life with nothing but you, that will be my wealth.
From this point on seconds, hours, years, this path is God’s alone, I have shaken all fears.
No more reservations, no more fight, or flight, a new day is dawning, and I choose to see solely by the saviors light.
In each and every moment God I am yours, I fully surrender, and I will live by your word.
A Heart In Flame
A stolen glance embedded with feelings unlikely to be returned, a simple joy to see her, so I allow the heart to yearn.
I start to see the little things, like I’m hanging on air, falling slowly is so sweet so I make an effort to not stare.
A harmless notion that I try not to give too much weight, yet her beauty has put me in an astounded state.
Lost in these little things, In each detail that I notice, she pulls the panic of life and takes it out of focus.
Suddenly the view shifts, everything has changed, I’ve forgotten myself, I’ve forgotten the pain.
Fearless as I face new colors in my life, a vibrant red overtakes the place I thought I’d left empty in my heart and head.
I speak now, through this poem that may never be read, but it is enough just to write it, my heart is still fed.
I find peace in this expression, In letting my heart loose I have found joy in this beauty, and so I choose.
I choose not to let my heart go wild, I choose to simply admire, and maybe still kindle this fire.
For a small flame can still grow if the conditions are right, I’ll tend to it for now Incase It ever grows bright.
The flame will flicker for the features that fill my heart, even if never fully expressed I’ll be thankful for the start.
The start of a new inspiration… a fire that grows, beautiful, or disastrous, only time truly knows.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Divided Attention
Can I see the forest for the trees? No, I am lost in the forest. It looks like the sea.
A sea of trees deep in the autumnal season, having lost all their leafs.
And through the bare branches, it is sun, shimmering on sap that sits and shines even when the day is done.
Because the night is not enough to take away this light.
The moon shines through the branches all the same, with starlight a fire flickers that does not burn, that does not maim.
Deep and unyielding, a sea of brown with flecks of silver and gold, the forest is alight, a story that is new yet old.
It is not that I see love in these trees. It is just that I am thankful that for a moment, they shined their light on me.
Distant Dreams
Distant memories haunt me today, ones I thought I had put away.
I let go, I moved forward, I felt peace that lasted; yet now my dreams take me, and they don’t take me past it.
Instead, I am taken to the past, to a time when my dreams were more vivid, consumed by you once more, and so I must live it.
I live in that dream, the one that I don’t want to be defining, yet you’re here again… in my writing.
I write you away as I’ve done once before, the dream fades, and my heart no longer sways.
I let go again, and hope that better times are on their way, I let myself dream, but this time of better days.
We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.
An Ending Well Met
Restoration and growth, I found in myself the ability to let go.
I said what I needed to and in that I found my peace, I escaped great loss and know now what it’s like to be free.
I’ve seen you for who you are and am able to let this pass I wish nothing but the best for you, and I know that feeling will last.
My soul restored, my ability to write still around, I accept in this moment a peaceful and comforting sound.
The sound of my inner voice resounds in my mind, I am enough, so to myself I will be kind.
I have found this peace through you and through God, one with myself accepting these feelings though they may be odd.
I am me and you are you, through simple clear communication I have come to know truth.
The fruit of my efforts did not grow what I had sought, but I still feel closure and that is saying allot.
An end to a beginning that was fruitful and great I accept this today, I accept our seperate fates.
If only I had met you at a diffrent time, yet maybe this was how we were meant to meet and that can be sublime.
Sublime, the perfect word to express the end… though of course In such a word I would always welcome something to start again.
