Awake

Even the Past Must Move On

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I find these old memories lost in the shadows of my mind, I didn’t think they’d be back, but now I’m under attack.

Nostalgia and déjà vu, all at once when i see a picture of you.

What am I to do with this information that I’ve found, that my heart still seeks you, and your voice…I am deafened by the sound.

I know not what to do with these emotions with which I’ve been struck, I can not move, I am simply stuck.

Every word i read,  every picture i see, all I feel are painful memories.

I speak not of a girl or even of a friend,  but simply the past which seems better than this present tense.

That’s the thing about the past,  you get to pick and choose what you see but much of it was costly,  not all joyful and free.

I long for the past for it held simpler times, chasing a brown eyed girl and writing simpler rhymes.

I’ve reached a point that I just long for something more, something beyond my depression, something to make my soul soar.

I look to the past, present, and future for the one thing that remained constant, Yahweh, my God I worship your presence.

So, now I look not to the past, but instead to the present for each step I take will not be woefully spent.

Nostalgia is lovely, but not to be taken fully to heart the memories I’ve made are in the past,  and each day is a new start.

Addiction’s True Face

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   Addiction is a thief that creeps in the night,  it steals your soul and instills you with fright.

   Addiction is a war that never will end every single battle you start the fight again.
   Addiction steals your children, addiction steals your life, no matter the addiction it controls you… it’s leash is on tight.

   Addiction will not let go no matter what you do addiction holds on forever not just a day or two.

   So, i advise you my friends please never give in to anything addictive or it may just grab you until the end.

   I have lost my battle one hundred times over but the war still wages on, a war that with the right weapons actually can be won.

   Addiction may grip your throat and refuse to let go but I tell you I serve a God who’s sword will slice through that demons control.

    Addiction will not have me,  no not today, the fight may come back tomorrow but I will try to stay strong; I will keep on fighting though the war may be long.

   Nobody wishes to talk of addictions pains and how it clings, for everyone has felt addictions fatal sting.

   I remind you still that there certainly is hope, scripture will guide you, and prayer will help you cope.

The Winds of My Mind

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I have a deep and painful wound, the bleeding will not stop; it cuts deep into my mind and makes it wither like a long dead crop.

  My fields are often watered, flowers do bloom, but the weeds they eat away at all of my produce, refusing to let it stay.

  So, I sway… in the wind, I let it blow through my hair,  the wind that I feel shows me that someone truly cares.

  I am filled with so much emotion,  some of it even rage, nothing feels right,  everything feels strange.

   The wind that blows across my land, flows over my wound and through my crops, everything comes alive, all it took was wind…to make the bleeding stop.

In The Fall

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I will forever be in love with those ever changing eyes, that green and gold twisting vortex of leaves, that showed itself… to me.

  I come to understand that your eyes foretold a warning in the way they changed like the fall, you were changing as well, that’s how I lost it all.

  Now I sit in the fall wondering where you’ve gone, I remember it all, staying up talking from dusk till the dawn.

  The way the sun rose when it rose upon your face was the most beautiful sight I’ve seen, it’s been so hard to try and replace.

  I keep searching for answers, but the answers don’t come, i made you more than my world, you were the center of me…my very sun.

  Nature is the only way i could ever think to explain you, so i do it once more, hoping to understand, how did i lose you…and when did i become such a broken man.

  I still have my God, that much i know but  i could swear i felt something pure and true between our two souls; I lost you, and in that i lost control.

  Now that I’ve recovered and picked myself back up, i still feel it all deep within my heart; Ill try to ignore it at least for now, but the thoughts always come back and that is why i feel… like my heart is under attack.

  So i fight through this storm and embrace the change in weather, for this fall is one that will do nothing but sever.

Shy From His Shack

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You’re breaking my being into a shambled shack of lost dreams outside it’s window you can see the stream.

This stream you see has been made up of tears, they are from the eyes of a man who would chase you for many years.

This man lives deep in the forest where he hopes and prays, all he wants is for you to come to him… One day.

But one day is a day that shall never come because you have better options and out of those he can’t even beat some.

He is a man who knows when he has been beaten, but like the nature around him he can’t ignore the beautiful brown in the bright souled eyes everything in him when he sees her smile… well it simply dies.

But then he Is brought back to life, his heart gets a jolt from his love for her soul.

This has made all the difference, the way she kills him yet adds meaning to his breaths that’s why he lives secluded in a forest, secluded until his death.

The Scorpion and The Fish

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There was a river by a beach where a fish always swam; the fish swam to the shore  each day…looking for something more.

There was a scorpion very fierce as dangerous as he may be, he loved to walk all along that beach.

One day the shimmering fish swam slightly above the waters, the scorpion saw and from that point sought after her.

The acts of passion that this scorpion made could probably have attracted many but not her, not this day.

The fish saw the sea and her opportunities; there were many of her own kind and couldn’t think of him as more, that was just her state of mind.
This did not make the fish evil and In fact made her quite wise and even more so kind, she was beautiful to her core with her choices, such a beautiful mind.

The scorpion was not sad he simply kept searching the fish was his dream but he wasn’t the type to keep lurking.

This passion was one that never could have been, two different souls though one grasped at the other their only love was that of a sister to a brother.

The scorpion still prays that the fish will come back by but if she does not, he knows God will bring another He could never lose his joy it is far too great a wonder.

Sadness and Joy

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Depression is a very strange emotion, it is a sadness that consumes you second by second eating away at your soul and mind. The strangest thing however is not the dark emotions that you feel but instead the joyous ones. Depression gives out a sense of security and warmth, depression wraps you up in it’s arms inviting you back like an old friend. The familiarity of sadness  is a comfort i wish dearly to rid myself of… for now though I am alive. My solace is found in my writing so i will write.

5:30 Am

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I lie here awake at 5:30 in the morning, not because I’m up early to be a productive member of society but because i haven’t yet slept. I was tired at 10 pm, completely prepared to go to sleep but my insomnia or perhaps just sheer stupidity kept me up.  Rather than sleeping throughout my nights I often binge watch a new show and play outdated apps on my phone that I don’t even think i have fun with. I suppose I’ll do anything to numb my mind,  to forget the things in the world around me that would cause me to despair. A little overly dramatic right? Truthfully though this is partially how i feel my body fights against my mind for a war of whether i should sleep or not. Its usually not until iv’e plagued my brain with far too many hours of useless activity and it then becomes tired along with my body. Now to get to the sleep part, I finally fall asleep but when I do I can sleep for 12 hours if I don’t force myself up because I’ve exhausted myself completely. Once i awake most of my day is gone so I briskly go through what part of my day i have left… then it starts all over.