Facing a birthday I dont want to have; what legacy would I leave if today was my last?
When all my days are accounted for, how many did I waste? I look to the mirror with an awful taste.
I blame the man I see once again for all that I’ve felt, “why didnt you do better”, I scream I belt!
You could have been more if you just put in the effort, so why did you wallow in such foolish, false, comfort.
You disappoint with each day that you live, you’ve accomplished nothing, you have nothing to give.
You’ve amounted to a failure and I dont think you’ll ever be more, you’ve reached new depths, found a new floor.
You disgust me in ways I can’t possible express, if you weren’t already so low I would demand you feel like less.
You’re a hollow, shriveling, waste of a man, In all your life you’ve never taken a stand.
You fall endlessly, you fail tremendously,… yet I see you get to your feet ever relentlessly.
You smile back no matter how I beat you down, you walk forward refusing to let me drown.
Another in the mirror stands by your side, I know I’m not alone, I know in whom I can confide.
Christ my foundation, my ever present friend, you demand fondness for my reflection, you bid me to stand.
So stand I must, but first I kneel, to pray at your feet is to find peace in your will.
Another year that felt wasted, but In your hands I’m made whole, I see your plans unfolding, your glory the goal.
Because if even I can be used then anyone can be saved, I forgive the man in the mirror thankful for the path that’s been paved.
anxious
Fields of Praise
The greatest muse I will ever know, present in every word that I ever wrote.
No other love I can ever aquire, no other thing could pull me from the mire.
I have been lost through years of mediocrity, filled with nothing but animosity.
I sought inspiration in anything that would offer, though I gained nothing… what did it all profer?
I have fallen in multitudes, I have fallen in droves, yet still you seek me out to lay in your groves.
I graze in your green fields where I prosper in peace, somehow out of the wolve’s mouth I see myself released.
Even still, I run from your fields, fleeing from my fealty, expecting better quicker yields.
I seek things in my time and lack trust in your perfection, when I do not receive an immediate answer I pick my own direction.
I think myself wise enough to choose my own path, I find failure ad nauseam, and I am deserving of your wrath.
Yet instead I find mercy, salvation in the blood; by great sacrifice I am yours, when I had thought the gate shut.
By all rights I should be exiled from your pastures, yet even as I run you chase after all the faster.
No escape from this love, and so there is a desperation to write, to glorify God, and to bring the nations to light.
So use me where you have me, let the big picture be clear, whatever your will I certainly shall adhere.
I will go, I will stay, I will listen, and I will speak; whatever you ask, I now know it is only you that I was made to seek.
A Tool Maintained
Make me a tool befitting of your hand, teach me where to go, teach me where to stand.
Sharpen and maintain me no matter the cost, I know to whom I belong, no longer am I lost.
Mold me, break me, make me anew, no matter the price, my trust in you.
Carve out whats rotten, prune this branch, wherever you’ll use me I’ll heed your command.
Not sure what I’ll be when you finish your mold, but I know I’ll be yours so I’ll watch it unfold.
To become a tool befitting of God my King, I must be fully reforged though the fire may sting.
Forged by fire unrelenting and righteous, here I have found a love that is priceless.
Yet a price was paid, beyond all measure, through Christ I’m remade, a tool that He treasures.
I can never earn this even if relentless, yet I will forever try, until my praise is endless.
Full Surrender
Years have passed as I have wasted my calling, still as the minutes now pass I feel how near I am drawing.
I draw closer now as I give up each second, as time divides I acknowledge my lesson.
I have learned through great cost what I ought not have done, In realizing this I now know why I run.
I face that what I’ve wasted was not my own, I wasted God’s time and so seeds went unsowm.
As the years passed I must have missed so many chances, to grow the kingdom, to change peoples stances.
O where did you place me, where did you allow my foot to land; I find no joy in those places now, I can barely stand.
So I fall to me knees as a new page is turned, I give it all up, I’d watch it all burn.
I was lost yet now I am found, this freedom of surrender rings a beautiful sound.
The sound of peace as silence abounds, my thoughts no longer overtake me, I stand on solid ground.
Anxiety flees, as does sin, and shame; I give God my whole life and thus I’ll never be the same.
You can have it all, I want nothing more than to know, oh God grant me the wisdom I need to grow.
I don’t want another second wasted, certainly not a year, God please send me, I know it’s overdue but finally I am here.
I have arrived at the end of myself, fill my life with nothing but you, that will be my wealth.
From this point on seconds, hours, years, this path is God’s alone, I have shaken all fears.
No more reservations, no more fight, or flight, a new day is dawning, and I choose to see solely by the saviors light.
In each and every moment God I am yours, I fully surrender, and I will live by your word.
Timely Inspiration
A summer time muse inspires all the same, shortly, sweetly, but still in frame.
The picture is set, unchanging for a time, she is simply a beauty that brings my words to life.
She needn’t know, she needn’t hear, but at just the right moment she did appear.
How to decide when a moment is right? My words come forth, I don’t have to fight.
Waking or sleeping I can see her brilliance, so I wake this morning with new found resilience.
I wake and feel alive, I wake with inspiration, I wake, and I can’t help but to write of my elation.
To meet this morning with her as the vibrancy that fills my mind, it all feels so clear, life feels so kind.
A kindness from life that reminds of the tenderness she exudes, so gentle, so sweet, though life can be so crude.
So I meet this morning differently than in the past, thankful to have met her, even if inspiration doesnt last.
Psalm 40
My God, do not delay, In this hear my anguish, hear me cry out, hear me pray.
I pray for haste, for persistence, I pray for wisdom, and deliverance.
Deliver me from myself oh Lord, as my flesh pulls me toward the mire, do not let me sink my God, set my feet somewhere higher.
Do not let me be lost to the desires that would drown me in damnation, I can’t allow myself to be stagnant so I return as a prodigal for the celebration.
I beg and cry for you not to delay, yet it is all I’ve done when I hear what you say.
You set my path, you plant my feet, yet I seek the mud, and I’m left in defeat.
My anxieties consume me, my prayers feel distant and weak, I feel you calling me, but I feel lower than meak.
Lately I question as often as I draw breath, am I sure of who I am, do I even have anything left?
I’m not sure what you want because I can’t even imagine how I would be used, I’ve fallen away so often that everything is bruised.
Ive played the fool as life has worn me down, but I want to find joy, I’m so tired of feeling like I’ll drown.
I dont want to panic, I want to catch my breath, I want to be of service, I want to give everything i have left.
So take it all God, I give it freely, if i never eat again I’ll still thank you that Im breathing.
I want to wake each morning with a heart that knows you are great, when the world is crashing around me it is then that I understand my fate.
My fate has been simple all along, it is in His hands, and in that trust is where I belong.
More simple than I ever imagined, more peaceful than my past could believe, in total surrender I have my reprieve.
Who am I that you would think of me, your deeds good and without measure it is in your presence that I find this pleasure.
Pleased with this peace, you are my God, you did not delay, you heard me cry out, and in that same moment I was saved.
Finding Foundation
I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.
My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.
Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.
But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.
So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.
I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.
I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.
In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.
I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.
Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.
I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.
Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.
This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.
I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.
On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.
Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.
I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.
Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.
I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.
I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.
Loss is Gain
A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.
A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.
I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.
I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.
These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.
I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.
I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.
There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.
People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Words and Walls
You say words can’t pierce through this wall? But what if I write words worthy of making Jericho fall?
Words divined by inspiration from the heavens, words that are overflowing with detailed expression.
I express the feelings that have lain deep and dormant down in my soul, I set them free rather than take control.
So, these are the words that flow from my heart to page, I write them so that I may set the stage.
I cast the parts and design the show, all for a vision of something that can grow.
The curtains come up, and the walls come down all is revealed to an audience that doesn’t make a sound.
On the soundless stage, something new takes place.
Amidst the rubble and dust, the protagonist plays their part, a performer of the heart.
The heart grows stronger and knows what it wants, and so these words can be more blunt.
Blunt and sudden with a booming bellowing voice, the show has started, and so the heart can make a choice.
Do words have the potential to pierce through walls and veils? Or is this another day that words could not prevail?
In one final petition I ask that the performer play their part well. With the world a stage, the heart can certainly leave its shell.
