anxiety

Unexpected Falls

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One last piece to work this all out before I just scream, before I just shout.

It’s built up and grown out, until it hit the peak, these feelings that blossomed making me both strong and weak.

I’ve felt so alive, I’ve felt so dead, a confusing connection that may have all been in my head.

I’ve fallen before, time and time again, and yet I didn’t expect this, didn’t mean to let you in.

The excuse of being open, but why was I open with her, some doors should stay closed no matter the allure.

But still I was so caught up, lost in the forest, consumed by the stars, I just wanted the opportunity to learn who you are.

Though I feel it wasn’t my place wrong time, wrong person, we are galaxies away.

I tried and I prayed yet still I feel I failed, why feel like this if our connection will only grow cold and stale.

Am I giving up or is it just not right, I’m not sure what I’m meant to do she gives me vision yet clouds my sight.

Never been so lost in the way I feel, but at the very least I know when I fell… that it was real.

Return My Time

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Once you realize how time goes by, once you realize that time fades away… you’ll wish that you didn’t have to leave the moment, you’ll wish that you could stay.


Once you realize that your youth stood still you will miss each moment and the way they made you feel. 


You’ll miss each minute of your withering youth because each precious second felt like hours; but now a second is a second and anxiety makes it feel like you should cower. 


Your time was once freedom without dictation of the hour, you lived by what you were doing not by what was next, and once you realize the taste feels sour. 


Now that you are all grown up what will you do to take back your time? Can you steal back the seconds of the day, and pull off the perfect crime? 


Once more can you realize what you must, seize the day, make time your servant and be not yourself a slave.


Time is within our grasp and is within our control, it can not overtake us, not if we give time to our soul. 


Life gets busy and our soul goes unattended, so time moves fast and each moment feels as though it were lended. 


I tell you that each moment has been lent  not by time itself, but by a gracious God, we only have this one life and each minimal second must be caught.


Take back the seconds, the minutes, and the days believe in a God that has the ability to save. 


Salvation has come for not just your soul, but for each and every second of your life, it is time to take back the controls. 

There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed

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There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I  consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life. 

A Restless Mind

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Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping most nights. I’ve been sleeping 2-4 hours rather than the recommended 8, and it can feel completely exhausting. I’ve been waking up like a zombie and forcing my way through the day, I take it easy because I’m tired so i don’t spend too much time on anything i do not have to. I thought it was correct to relax when I was tired but yet somehow that only caused things to get worse, either by me taking a nap early in the day or by my mind just becoming restless.
A restless mind Is what I’ve discovered to be my largest problem with sleeping. I’ve found that if I don’t work my mind throughout the day by the time I lay in bed at night all of the thoughts are bound to swirl. When I dont take time during the day to step away from the screens, to try and think complex thoughts, or simply to challenge myself on new ideas my brain ends up restless. What this means for me is I lay there and think about that time 8 years ago when I said something awkward, I think about eternity, how much it scares me, i think about how it scares me to exist, but also more to not exist, and I think about all the time that I’ve wasted and it begins to feel terrifying to go to sleep. My thoughts shift from being tired to worrying about all the time I lose by going to sleep, all the things I’ll miss, as if anything interesting happens at 2 am.
At night my heart and my head fill with worry all because I don’t use my mind during the day. I walk through life allot of days as many people do, going through the motions until it’s time to climb back in bed. There is more to life however than going through the motions and my brain knows this which is why when I’ve finished a day without any real effort put in, my mind is restless and filled with anxiety. Im tired of anxiety, tired of my spiraling brain, but mostly im just tired of being tired. So this little thought is my brains workout for today, it isn’t much but it is a start. Im going to begin to give my brain more to work on throughout the day. I want to feel proud of the way I’ve spent my hours and I want to feel like I have spent enough energy to deserve rest. This is the beginning of the end for my restless mind, I intend to work harder, to discover new things, and to challenge myself more with each day to pass. Anxiety and worry will not have a foothold in my life, I am in control of my life.
Matthew 6:27 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?

Facing Our Worries

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Early this Sunday morning im thinking about worries. Every day I feel anxious about something, worrying about the things ahead of me. The thing about worrying though is that each and every one of them is something that we cannot change. Usually this bad thing that may happen, if it does there is nothing we can do about it. This is where God comes in, we are told to cast our worries on Him.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NIV

Give it all to God today, do not be shaken, conquer every fear, and let God handle what you can’t. There are many things that we wont be able to change, but for those things God is our only option. I think this is pretty comforting, it makes the thought process pretty simple. Go through the steps and ask yourself, can you change it? If the answer is no give it to God. Now if we have given this worry to God then who are we to continue to worry about what the God of all creation will do with our situation? God has a purpose for all things, and if the worse should come to pass take confidence that He will use it for good. Focus on what is in front of you, not what is ahead.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

No worry is too small or too big, God will gladly handle your situation. It will be a challenge because you have to trust in God’s timing as well, but in the end it will always be well worth it. Remember in your struggle that God is constant and hears your prayers, but perfect timing doesnt happen right when you ask for it, it happens when the timing is perfect. When you look back on struggles in your past you will usually notice great blessings that only came because of what you went through. I was talking to a friend just recently about something bad that he had went through that made him feel like he had really been set back in life. We sat and looked at the situation though, if he hadn’t gone through that we wouldn’t have been so close, he wouldn’t have been as driven as he is now, and he may not have been as happy as he now is. The point is, sure he could have been further in life already, but he is catching up. He learned allot through that struggle, he will go forward in life stronger, more confidently, and wiser than before. New opportunities await him that may be greater than ones he would have had without that struggle. New opportunities await you as well, never focus on the sorrow that is, but instead on the joy that will be.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18 NIV

We have free will, that means that there are going to be mistakes, but oh what an all powerful God we serve that he moves the very earth around us to compensate for each one. Don’t question God’s plan, He will make happen what is supposed to happen, and eventually in His time you will find your joy. Worries are not worth our time, spend time in prayer and God will grant you comfort. Remember that it is out of your hands. We need to remember to let go, and humble ourselves. We do not need to control everything we face. Let your Father in Heaven handle the things that you can’t, it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise. Be comforted that while we are merely human the most powerful being that is has your situation in His hands, and nothing can stop the hands of God.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6‭-‬7 NIV

For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?
Isaiah 14:27 NIV

Confidence Through Christ

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There was once a time in my life when I carried myself as if I believed I would be somebody, as if I believed in Gods plan for me. At some point down the road I forgot who I was, I let the world overtake me and became complacent. At some point I subconsciously decided that my shortcomings and my failures were bigger than Gods plan for me. I used to carry myself like a man who believed he could change the world with God by his his side. At some point I became a man who had more fear than confidence, a man who had lost his way. It is time that I begin to carry myself with some confidence again, confidence in myself, in God, and in His plan. I need to begin to carry myself in a way befitting of the glorious plan God has for me. I will base my confidence on He who is unfailing so that my confidence cannot fail. I am a man of God made to serve Him, and I will do great things for my God.
2 Corinthians 3:3‭-‬6 NIV
You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

Fading Lights

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  I am awake and lost in thought, thinking about the way she smiles, thinking that I haven’t seen her in a while.
   What an inspiration she should be but i’m too afraid to let those emotions in, too afraid to let my heart win.
   I see her and she is shining brilliance, I swear I can see her soul, and its too beautiful for me to keep control.
   I’ve only spoken to her briefly, but I want to talk with her for hours on end, I wish I could get closer even just become a friend.
   I don’t see myself as worthy, i don’t see how I could deserve one such as her, but still the light in her eyes sets my heart a-stir.
   I’m lost in this light that shines brighter than anything else in the room, like a moth to a flame, this joy could be my doom.
  I miss her, my soul cries out for the connection it felt… it doesn’t seem right I barely know her, but even so my emotions can’t be helped.
   It is as if I see in her the reprieve to all the darkness I’ve known in this world, in her I see hope, I see beauty, I see an end to sorrow, in her I truly can see my tomorrow.
   Ive barely scratched the surface and I want to know more but instead I stay still, not making a move, because if I do I could lose this small joy I have that just seeing her face makes me feel like I have nothing to lose.
   What a foolish heart I have that I’ve become so enthralled by a girl, I  haven’t seen her in a while…yet she is the person I would want to hear from most in this world.

A Letter From My Heart “Not Again”

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   Not again, you can’t possibly do this to us again we have learned our lesson it has to end.
   I have so many scars I don’t even look like me anymore, how could you risk me like this, how could you put me in danger it’s just a girl she is practically a stranger.
   I don’t see how you can act this way, after all we have been through after all the tears, you still think I have the capacity for love… after all of these years?
   I thought we had reached an understanding, I thought you shut me off, I was resting and now suddenly I’m beating once more, and what is it all for how can she be worth it… I’m just far too sore.
   I am trying so hard but you just keep pushing, I keep telling you too give up before it is too late, but still you try and you tell me that It’s fate.
   How can you be such a fool, I am so broken, if this goes wrong there is no way that I will survive, please just stop and think about my life.
   So, she might be your muse, it has happened before, you act like it means something just because she brings us joy does not mean she won’t break us at our very core!
   You are so lost in her eyes you can’t even think straight, she could kill us, how is that for fate?
   I just don’t get why I had to belong to you, you love too easily, and you’ve broken me all the way through.
   I hope you will just listen because I’m saying this as a friend, I want us to live, we do not have anything left to give.
   I don’t think you can hear me right now, mainly because she just smiled again, I know because I’m beating faster, and yes it feels good but at what price… I… I am caught in a vise.
   I can’t deny that I want to love again, I feel a spark when you look at her, but still this fire could die and then what, will you just leave me to fry?
   I know you want this and partly I do too but just listen to me, you can’t do this… it will probably all be in vain, just please I’m begging you now, not again…

We, The Beloved Tools

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 Even the sparrows, are not forgotten… and some how I am worth more how can God love me, it must be such a chore.

   God is our master, and we are His tools we must stay maintained so His work can be done yet we let ourselves rust, for some simple fun.

   O God my soul does cry where is my value how is it so high?

   Then i realize that this body and soul do not belong to me, I belong to the Lord and in that I am set free.

   I need not worry, I need only keep faith God’s good works in me will always keep me safe.

   I am alive and I am well, I shout because my soul is on fire, my cup overflows because of a God who is higher.

   My God guides my pen, He surely guides each stroke, I could never write so beautifully if it wasn’t for what He invokes.

    My God is so good, I can never say that enough He is so awesome, I’m in awe, at a loss for words.

    Not having, the words, one would think that I would stop but, surely I will not.

   My words will come from God now instead of being my own, so take heart that they will preach the Gospel and help others to atone.

   My words are better than they’ve been in the past for they are not my own, that is why they will last.

   O what joy I find in the work of my Lord, what I pray for He gives better than what I asked, and in me…me His love is stored.

   O what a tool I can be if I examine and sharpen myself, I ask God for more opportunities to share what’s in that great book opon my shelf.

   O what a joy I have found in this Savior I know, that others would know Him is my hearts truest hope.

   I was made in that secret place to be better than what I am so, I improve each day seeking to be a better man.

   I pray with persistence that my God can be seen by all who need him, seven billion is a big number to feed.

   I come to God with loaf and fish He Multiplies and sends me to serve all in the world this very blessed dish.

   My God still saves, and performs miracles daily, we often don’t see them becsuse we refuse to look faithfully.

   This world is in need and we are the tools of the great carpenter so, lets build together with carefully placed words, like a philosopher.

   I seek today and tomorrow to do Gods work for whomever I meet is worth more than many sparrows so, I try to fly straight, straight like an arrow.

   I claim today to be Gods day to move, I intend to follow Him who loves me so deelpy, won’t you too?

Today

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Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV