Every day since I’ve begun to write of the tremendous impact you’ve had on my life, I’ve wanted to go into detail on just your eyes.
But the words would not come, for there was too much to say, yet now the words are flowing and crashing like waves.
Just like the waves in you eyes, a seafoam forest speckled by sparkling lights.
Your eyes hold a galaxy fully unknown, yet I am here exploring, trying to know.
When my eyes meet yours my senses are set on fire, the way they shine I’m lost in desire.
A desire to know every emotion they hold, I see something more about to unfold.
They hold your emotion and create emotion in me, they are new life and growth, they are a seed.
A seed to start new, a seed to start again, I watch as it grows out never wanting the experience to end.
They are beauty and peace, yet they are a fiery sea, they ignite as do you, and so I know that those fiery eyes are true.
True in the sense that they create more than they destroy, in the midst of deep sorrow, they are my joy.
I am encompassed by them, sinking in their sea, I am enveloped, surrounded, by an ocean made of trees.
Trees that hold so much color though only one is usually seen, they hold every hue, the brightest and darkest of green.
Yet they are usually so bright, a sunrise sky that covers me, no more clouded vision, I am given sight.
Open skies, galaxies, and trees, I knew this would take many words and though I will, I still do not wish to cease.
anxiety
For She to be Free
It’s rare to find one’s self feeling in such a way, I want her, to speak to her, my heart has been swayed.
Yet in these feelings so random but so pure,I find myself moving beyond the allure.
For when I pray, I don’t pray for us to be together, I pray for your happiness, for whatever is better.
Better whether I can hold her or not,her smile my upmost concern beyond what I have sought.
Of course I seek her heart after the way she’s made me feel, but I recognize it’s damage and wish foremost for it to be healed.
To see her heart whole and to know her smile is true, I think I could move on even whilst knowing I’d be blue.
Yet so far I have not given up, I accept what may come, but until it is clear I will not say that I am done.
I want to pursue this, to show that we could be great, I just hope the expressions of my heart when spoken will not be too late.
I tread carefully though for I know this pursuit is fragile, it’s worth every second, it’s worth waiting for a while.
For while I wait I can still come to know her more, I can fall harder, and prepare myself for what life decides to have in store.
Whatever does happen I find my peace, I just hope she finds hers, I hope her heart can find its release.
Facing Two Futures
Just because I wish to be with you does not mean It will be so, I have to be prepared for the pain of letting go.
I want you to find joy, and that may not include me, so I decloud my vision once more and force myself to see.
I look to a future where I know you no more, it hurts me at my depths reaches and cracks my core.
Yet I still want most to see you find your peace, to see you find freedom to see you be released.
You’ve had so much pain, so much strife and struggle, my feelings grow for you but still they are muddled.
My feelings are murky because I know what I want, I want to grow close, but I may be the wrong dose.
Only you can decide the medecine you need, so I have to be prepared if it’s a medecine that I can’t be.
For I know I’m not perfect, we are diffrent in many ways, and yet the more I know the more I feel we are quite the same.
I feel like we fit like a two piece puzzle, but whether that is really true is up to you and that is my struggle.
A struggle worth facing, and so I wil write, to calm my heart, and stop it from racing.
For though it races for you it may not be my place, I hope that it is, but if not that is something that I can and will face.
Trial by Lightning
My heart aches, so I must keep writing, in a world thats grown dark with storms I look to the lightning.
For lightning is fierce and destructive in nature but is also power instructed where to go by a savior.
So I look to the lightning to inspire my thoughts, lost in a storm but I am learning allot.
I’m learning once again what it’s like to feel this way, to see a woman, and see my heart turn to color when it was gray.
The lightning has struck and electrified my soul, in the distraction of the storm it was my heart that she stole.
But for once a theif in the night is a welcome sight.
I see her run with my heart in the glow of the lightning, and I welcome these feelings even though they’re frightening.
I don’t expect my feelings to be returned, yet still in this storm i can’t help but yearn.
Coated in the rain yet still I thirst, to know her more would be to lift my curse.
To escape from the storm and be inspired by the sun, all I need to do is catch up to her, and so I run.
I run by the lightning as it strikes by my steps, yet I still run faster for she is worth the loss of breath.
I fear nothing now for I know what I seek I step out of the storm into the sun, and she is now all that I see.
Strength in Declaration
I said one last time, expecting the way I feel to just end, yet here I am sitting and writing again.
I don’t know what to say just like I don’t know what to feel, I am caught in a haze unsure of what is real.
You were real, and real you stay, yet here I am losing sight of you as I reach the end of a day.
You are more than these words, more than my attraction, yet I feel I fell short, less than myself, just a fraction.
A fraction of me cant be enough, you deserve more, you deserve someone with the capacity to love.
And I don’t know if I have it in me, I’m changing and growing, but still my heart is slowing.
I want it to beat fast for the you I have come to know, but all it can do is make me feel low.
My heart fails me as I’ve fallen once again, I’m so tired of falling, I just want this fall to end.
And yet I’m refused, my wishes will not come true because every time I see you it all starts anew.
Of course a day may come where you no longer cross my path, but I can’t believe that I would truly want that.
I want you in my path, to walk with you side by side, so I’ll do what I can now to attempt to meet your stride.
Recovering From Self
Fear and failure go hand in hand, I fear failing and so I never stand.
I sit idly by far too often with a heart that’s hardened but is trying to soften.
Inspiration alludes me as I sit here tonight, not sure what I’m feeling, so I’m not sure what to write.
Am I stable or just empty, I feel devoid of emotion, hollowed out, and soft spoken.
I can’t speak up because I don’t know what to say, my identity is changing, and I’m waiting for a new day.
Yet a new day doesn’t come, each is feeling the same as the last, I look to the future, but I am gripped by my past.
Will I last, will I make it through these times? Can I really change my whole outlook with a few simple rhymes?
Not sure how to stand, not sure how to speak, but I can write these words, and try to recover from being weak.
Unexpected Falls
One last piece to work this all out before I just scream, before I just shout.
It’s built up and grown out, until it hit the peak, these feelings that blossomed making me both strong and weak.
I’ve felt so alive, I’ve felt so dead, a confusing connection that may have all been in my head.
I’ve fallen before, time and time again, and yet I didn’t expect this, didn’t mean to let you in.
The excuse of being open, but why was I open with her, some doors should stay closed no matter the allure.
But still I was so caught up, lost in the forest, consumed by the stars, I just wanted the opportunity to learn who you are.
Though I feel it wasn’t my place wrong time, wrong person, we are galaxies away.
I tried and I prayed yet still I feel I failed, why feel like this if our connection will only grow cold and stale.
Am I giving up or is it just not right, I’m not sure what I’m meant to do she gives me vision yet clouds my sight.
Never been so lost in the way I feel, but at the very least I know when I fell… that it was real.
Return My Time
Once you realize how time goes by, once you realize that time fades away… you’ll wish that you didn’t have to leave the moment, you’ll wish that you could stay.
Once you realize that your youth stood still you will miss each moment and the way they made you feel.
You’ll miss each minute of your withering youth because each precious second felt like hours; but now a second is a second and anxiety makes it feel like you should cower.
Your time was once freedom without dictation of the hour, you lived by what you were doing not by what was next, and once you realize the taste feels sour.
Now that you are all grown up what will you do to take back your time? Can you steal back the seconds of the day, and pull off the perfect crime?
Once more can you realize what you must, seize the day, make time your servant and be not yourself a slave.
Time is within our grasp and is within our control, it can not overtake us, not if we give time to our soul.
Life gets busy and our soul goes unattended, so time moves fast and each moment feels as though it were lended.
I tell you that each moment has been lent not by time itself, but by a gracious God, we only have this one life and each minimal second must be caught.
Take back the seconds, the minutes, and the days believe in a God that has the ability to save.
Salvation has come for not just your soul, but for each and every second of your life, it is time to take back the controls.
There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed
There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life.
A Restless Mind
Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping most nights. I’ve been sleeping 2-4 hours rather than the recommended 8, and it can feel completely exhausting. I’ve been waking up like a zombie and forcing my way through the day, I take it easy because I’m tired so i don’t spend too much time on anything i do not have to. I thought it was correct to relax when I was tired but yet somehow that only caused things to get worse, either by me taking a nap early in the day or by my mind just becoming restless.
A restless mind Is what I’ve discovered to be my largest problem with sleeping. I’ve found that if I don’t work my mind throughout the day by the time I lay in bed at night all of the thoughts are bound to swirl. When I dont take time during the day to step away from the screens, to try and think complex thoughts, or simply to challenge myself on new ideas my brain ends up restless. What this means for me is I lay there and think about that time 8 years ago when I said something awkward, I think about eternity, how much it scares me, i think about how it scares me to exist, but also more to not exist, and I think about all the time that I’ve wasted and it begins to feel terrifying to go to sleep. My thoughts shift from being tired to worrying about all the time I lose by going to sleep, all the things I’ll miss, as if anything interesting happens at 2 am.
At night my heart and my head fill with worry all because I don’t use my mind during the day. I walk through life allot of days as many people do, going through the motions until it’s time to climb back in bed. There is more to life however than going through the motions and my brain knows this which is why when I’ve finished a day without any real effort put in, my mind is restless and filled with anxiety. Im tired of anxiety, tired of my spiraling brain, but mostly im just tired of being tired. So this little thought is my brains workout for today, it isn’t much but it is a start. Im going to begin to give my brain more to work on throughout the day. I want to feel proud of the way I’ve spent my hours and I want to feel like I have spent enough energy to deserve rest. This is the beginning of the end for my restless mind, I intend to work harder, to discover new things, and to challenge myself more with each day to pass. Anxiety and worry will not have a foothold in my life, I am in control of my life.
Matthew 6:27 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Tales of Dylan 