broken, but so loved by my Lord.
A Pen For A War
broken, but so loved by my Lord.
Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV
I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.
My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.
Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.
“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”
I can feel my foolish heart returning to normal. Now, for the first time in a long time, I write. I write not with force or simple desire but because it is the longing of my soul to do so. Now as I ease myself off of my depression medication I am reminded of all the emotions I once felt so strongly. I am returning to who I truly am. Though, I am thankful that my medication aided me in a time where I no longer could stand the perils of my own mind as it fought to destroy its very vessle. Now I can look at myself once more and feel again. I truly see the world in a new light once more. My foolish heart is free from the chains that have bound it. I look back in thanks that I was saved from my own self, but also in sorrow that I lost myself along the way. I strive to go forward now, to listen, and take on every cry that my heart will shout out. Today is the day, I am free and finally I am well. I praise God for it all. My future is bright with the light of a soul that is truly on fire.
Lately I’ve found myself in a rut that I’m unsure how to get out of. I’ve been getting caught up with all the trivialities of life. I have been focusing on anything and everything but my writing. I find it hard right now to find inspiration, everything just seems so bland. My soul cries out tonight for a change of pace. I hope to see the colors of this grey sky change soon.
“I don’t live to write, I write because I could not go on living if I did not let the cries of my soul escape onto these pages.
O God, I cry out to thee give me love. My Father fill the holes deep inside of me. I cry to you in anguish and pain. Heal my broken heart o Lord. I am lost and I feel like I’m sitting still. Every way I turn I see no way out. My soul withers o God. I cry tears of pure brokenness. I know your plan is good and I need to focus on you, but my heart screams for purpose. I am in agony my Lord for the overwhelming loneliness that surrounds me like a dark cloud. I forsake you my God, I have turned against you to sin time and time again. I do not deserve this grace I’ve been given but I am given it still. When I was still sinning Christ died for me. I have been given a love so beautiful, pure, and unmatched that my earthly mind cannot even fathom what it truly means. Yahweh you have saved me more times than I can count and now my father I ask again please save me from my own bleeding heart. Fill me with your joy, wisdom, love, and strength that I might know what it feels like to be whole. I know full well my God that you are all I need, but my heart has desires that I pray for you to fulfill. Do not forsake me now o God your faithful one chases after your heart. Let me be like David and pray this to you now, save me o save me from my own broken self.