I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.
My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.
Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.
But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.
So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.
I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.
I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.
In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.
I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.
Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.
I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.
Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.
This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.
I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.
On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.
Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.
I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.
Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.
I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.
I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.
words
Loss is Gain
A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.
A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.
I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.
I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.
These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.
I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.
I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.
There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.
People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Words and Walls
You say words can’t pierce through this wall? But what if I write words worthy of making Jericho fall?
Words divined by inspiration from the heavens, words that are overflowing with detailed expression.
I express the feelings that have lain deep and dormant down in my soul, I set them free rather than take control.
So, these are the words that flow from my heart to page, I write them so that I may set the stage.
I cast the parts and design the show, all for a vision of something that can grow.
The curtains come up, and the walls come down all is revealed to an audience that doesn’t make a sound.
On the soundless stage, something new takes place.
Amidst the rubble and dust, the protagonist plays their part, a performer of the heart.
The heart grows stronger and knows what it wants, and so these words can be more blunt.
Blunt and sudden with a booming bellowing voice, the show has started, and so the heart can make a choice.
Do words have the potential to pierce through walls and veils? Or is this another day that words could not prevail?
In one final petition I ask that the performer play their part well. With the world a stage, the heart can certainly leave its shell.
Distant Dreams
Distant memories haunt me today, ones I thought I had put away.
I let go, I moved forward, I felt peace that lasted; yet now my dreams take me, and they don’t take me past it.
Instead, I am taken to the past, to a time when my dreams were more vivid, consumed by you once more, and so I must live it.
I live in that dream, the one that I don’t want to be defining, yet you’re here again… in my writing.
I write you away as I’ve done once before, the dream fades, and my heart no longer sways.
I let go again, and hope that better times are on their way, I let myself dream, but this time of better days.
We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.
Heavy Hearted
How can I be comfortable carrying the weight of this heart of mine, how do I carry it each day, how do I face time.
Time adds weight because my heart only grows, so much to give with nowhere for it to go.
Yet there are places for my heart to give, people to reach, a new way to live.
To fulfill myself is to live my life through love, I will give myself with every life I touch.
Myself is enough so I give it freely, self sacrifice is my gift so I’ll give it daily.
Love is beautiful because of everywhere it can apply, it does not require romance and it fights through all lies.
The lies of this world are easy to breach if you’re comfortable with a heavy heart, and you’re willing to seek.
A heavy heart is not a curse, for its weight has meaning, and through that weight you find your being.
My heart tells its story, the story of its weight, it is heavy, but it is strong, that is its fate.
Restoration in the Quiet
I know that words do not have the power that I wish they did, there is so much more, and in that life’s mysteries are hid.
I wish with just my words I could change what people see and feel, but that is not true life…that is not what’s real.
Because words often aren’t enough, I’ll act, I’ll pray, I’ll try to give out love.
For love is not only expressed in words, it’s the actions, the attitudes, the heart that is stirred.
Now my heart has been stirred, and words were once again not sufficient, but in myself I still find a passion that is relentless.
I have purpose and my words still hold power, they come from a greater source, and so they are worth a painful hour.
For when words are not enough my Lord still makes me whole, words were not enough, yet still He restores my soul.
An Ending Well Met
Restoration and growth, I found in myself the ability to let go.
I said what I needed to and in that I found my peace, I escaped great loss and know now what it’s like to be free.
I’ve seen you for who you are and am able to let this pass I wish nothing but the best for you, and I know that feeling will last.
My soul restored, my ability to write still around, I accept in this moment a peaceful and comforting sound.
The sound of my inner voice resounds in my mind, I am enough, so to myself I will be kind.
I have found this peace through you and through God, one with myself accepting these feelings though they may be odd.
I am me and you are you, through simple clear communication I have come to know truth.
The fruit of my efforts did not grow what I had sought, but I still feel closure and that is saying allot.
An end to a beginning that was fruitful and great I accept this today, I accept our seperate fates.
If only I had met you at a diffrent time, yet maybe this was how we were meant to meet and that can be sublime.
Sublime, the perfect word to express the end… though of course In such a word I would always welcome something to start again.
There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed
There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life.
Tales of Dylan 