Facing a birthday I dont want to have; what legacy would I leave if today was my last?
When all my days are accounted for, how many did I waste? I look to the mirror with an awful taste.
I blame the man I see once again for all that I’ve felt, “why didnt you do better”, I scream I belt!
You could have been more if you just put in the effort, so why did you wallow in such foolish, false, comfort.
You disappoint with each day that you live, you’ve accomplished nothing, you have nothing to give.
You’ve amounted to a failure and I dont think you’ll ever be more, you’ve reached new depths, found a new floor.
You disgust me in ways I can’t possible express, if you weren’t already so low I would demand you feel like less.
You’re a hollow, shriveling, waste of a man, In all your life you’ve never taken a stand.
You fall endlessly, you fail tremendously,… yet I see you get to your feet ever relentlessly.
You smile back no matter how I beat you down, you walk forward refusing to let me drown.
Another in the mirror stands by your side, I know I’m not alone, I know in whom I can confide.
Christ my foundation, my ever present friend, you demand fondness for my reflection, you bid me to stand.
So stand I must, but first I kneel, to pray at your feet is to find peace in your will.
Another year that felt wasted, but In your hands I’m made whole, I see your plans unfolding, your glory the goal.
Because if even I can be used then anyone can be saved, I forgive the man in the mirror thankful for the path that’s been paved.
thoughts
Trust and Praise
Fervently I come to sing all praise, to glorify the father with the rest of my days.
My days may be numbered, but I need not count, so long as I spend them praising thy fount.
You have overflowed mercy upon this wrech; you have sought me when from your presence I fled.
You seek me never ceasing, when I am nothing, just one lost sheep, still you say your love is mine to keep.
So I set you here my firm foundation, a path well laid so I would seek your nations.
You first sought me when it didn’t make sense, so I will go seeking the earth no matter how immense.
Make me a servant, don’t allow me to retreat, I heed this call, I move quickly my feet.
Your commission is clear though my means are few, I know you’ll provide as you always do.
Full Surrender
Years have passed as I have wasted my calling, still as the minutes now pass I feel how near I am drawing.
I draw closer now as I give up each second, as time divides I acknowledge my lesson.
I have learned through great cost what I ought not have done, In realizing this I now know why I run.
I face that what I’ve wasted was not my own, I wasted God’s time and so seeds went unsowm.
As the years passed I must have missed so many chances, to grow the kingdom, to change peoples stances.
O where did you place me, where did you allow my foot to land; I find no joy in those places now, I can barely stand.
So I fall to me knees as a new page is turned, I give it all up, I’d watch it all burn.
I was lost yet now I am found, this freedom of surrender rings a beautiful sound.
The sound of peace as silence abounds, my thoughts no longer overtake me, I stand on solid ground.
Anxiety flees, as does sin, and shame; I give God my whole life and thus I’ll never be the same.
You can have it all, I want nothing more than to know, oh God grant me the wisdom I need to grow.
I don’t want another second wasted, certainly not a year, God please send me, I know it’s overdue but finally I am here.
I have arrived at the end of myself, fill my life with nothing but you, that will be my wealth.
From this point on seconds, hours, years, this path is God’s alone, I have shaken all fears.
No more reservations, no more fight, or flight, a new day is dawning, and I choose to see solely by the saviors light.
In each and every moment God I am yours, I fully surrender, and I will live by your word.
Loss is Gain
A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.
A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.
I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.
I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.
These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.
I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.
I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.
There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.
People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Heavy Hearted
How can I be comfortable carrying the weight of this heart of mine, how do I carry it each day, how do I face time.
Time adds weight because my heart only grows, so much to give with nowhere for it to go.
Yet there are places for my heart to give, people to reach, a new way to live.
To fulfill myself is to live my life through love, I will give myself with every life I touch.
Myself is enough so I give it freely, self sacrifice is my gift so I’ll give it daily.
Love is beautiful because of everywhere it can apply, it does not require romance and it fights through all lies.
The lies of this world are easy to breach if you’re comfortable with a heavy heart, and you’re willing to seek.
A heavy heart is not a curse, for its weight has meaning, and through that weight you find your being.
My heart tells its story, the story of its weight, it is heavy, but it is strong, that is its fate.
Pens and Pain
It’s going to hurt a little, but that just means that what you feel is real, so ready yourself, become sturdy like steel.
The words that will come will be tied with a little pain, but there’s a reason they’re coming out, a reason they shouldn’t just stay in your brain.
You bleed with your words, you cry, you shout, this just means you’re alive, so try to stand stout.
Words can heal, and change perspective, they will always be worth writing even if they don’t achieve your intended objective.
Words hold power of life and death, so use them to love and don’t worry about the rest.
The pen uses blood more than it uses ink, so keep yourself healthy, and don’t be afraid to think.
So think with your heart and feel with your mind, if that doesn’t make sense then just give it time.
There is so much beauty in this life and it’s all worth expressing, even if it hurts, because those are life’s most beautiful and imactful lessons.
The World by Her Light
I just love to watch as she meets with the world, head on, head strong, filling each life with song.
She is a force of joy, a beautiful soul, she needn’t be told, she knows her roll.
She looks for the pieces she knows she must find, not afraid to move forward, she won’t look behind.
She is more fearless then I’m sure she knows, she takes on life and in doing so she glows.
She glows like a beaming light, she fills every room she enters, and it’s really quite the sight.
By her light people are healed and feel loved, I saw God use her, a sign from above.
And yet though she serves God’s purpose I was just a step along her path, just a stop, just the surface.
Because her life will go so much further than here, I see this future for her, and so I hold that image dear.
I am thankful to have been a stop along her path, for she is a moving beacon of light, and I will not be the last.
I know she will help others and bring more joy into this place, she may leave her mark on you, she may leave a trace.
Be thankful for even that… for that trace that she leaves, you can carry that piece with you, and it can help you to believe.
The Fires We Carry
A faint flickering flame that refuses to fade away, there is reason for it to burn, and so it will stay.
It burns because it matters not because it seeks to burn bright, instead it accepts itself as this…just a faint light.
Yet this light is enough, there is reason for it to be, because for one to have a light does not rest on reciprocity.
This flame it blazed and grew, but there is always a time to let a flame burn true.
A flame burns truest when you let it find its own pace, it was not meant to burn brightly, yet it still leaves a trace.
I carry the flame with me, I wouldn’t dare put it out, for the fire is somehow a reminder of what rain can do in a drought.
Duplicity, warmth, light, and something that only gives, this fire will burn on with me so long as I live.
Restoration in the Quiet
I know that words do not have the power that I wish they did, there is so much more, and in that life’s mysteries are hid.
I wish with just my words I could change what people see and feel, but that is not true life…that is not what’s real.
Because words often aren’t enough, I’ll act, I’ll pray, I’ll try to give out love.
For love is not only expressed in words, it’s the actions, the attitudes, the heart that is stirred.
Now my heart has been stirred, and words were once again not sufficient, but in myself I still find a passion that is relentless.
I have purpose and my words still hold power, they come from a greater source, and so they are worth a painful hour.
For when words are not enough my Lord still makes me whole, words were not enough, yet still He restores my soul.
