Facing a birthday I dont want to have; what legacy would I leave if today was my last?
When all my days are accounted for, how many did I waste? I look to the mirror with an awful taste.
I blame the man I see once again for all that I’ve felt, “why didnt you do better”, I scream I belt!
You could have been more if you just put in the effort, so why did you wallow in such foolish, false, comfort.
You disappoint with each day that you live, you’ve accomplished nothing, you have nothing to give.
You’ve amounted to a failure and I dont think you’ll ever be more, you’ve reached new depths, found a new floor.
You disgust me in ways I can’t possible express, if you weren’t already so low I would demand you feel like less.
You’re a hollow, shriveling, waste of a man, In all your life you’ve never taken a stand.
You fall endlessly, you fail tremendously,… yet I see you get to your feet ever relentlessly.
You smile back no matter how I beat you down, you walk forward refusing to let me drown.
Another in the mirror stands by your side, I know I’m not alone, I know in whom I can confide.
Christ my foundation, my ever present friend, you demand fondness for my reflection, you bid me to stand.
So stand I must, but first I kneel, to pray at your feet is to find peace in your will.
Another year that felt wasted, but In your hands I’m made whole, I see your plans unfolding, your glory the goal.
Because if even I can be used then anyone can be saved, I forgive the man in the mirror thankful for the path that’s been paved.
spirit
A Tool Maintained
Make me a tool befitting of your hand, teach me where to go, teach me where to stand.
Sharpen and maintain me no matter the cost, I know to whom I belong, no longer am I lost.
Mold me, break me, make me anew, no matter the price, my trust in you.
Carve out whats rotten, prune this branch, wherever you’ll use me I’ll heed your command.
Not sure what I’ll be when you finish your mold, but I know I’ll be yours so I’ll watch it unfold.
To become a tool befitting of God my King, I must be fully reforged though the fire may sting.
Forged by fire unrelenting and righteous, here I have found a love that is priceless.
Yet a price was paid, beyond all measure, through Christ I’m remade, a tool that He treasures.
I can never earn this even if relentless, yet I will forever try, until my praise is endless.
Trust and Praise
Fervently I come to sing all praise, to glorify the father with the rest of my days.
My days may be numbered, but I need not count, so long as I spend them praising thy fount.
You have overflowed mercy upon this wrech; you have sought me when from your presence I fled.
You seek me never ceasing, when I am nothing, just one lost sheep, still you say your love is mine to keep.
So I set you here my firm foundation, a path well laid so I would seek your nations.
You first sought me when it didn’t make sense, so I will go seeking the earth no matter how immense.
Make me a servant, don’t allow me to retreat, I heed this call, I move quickly my feet.
Your commission is clear though my means are few, I know you’ll provide as you always do.
Full Surrender
Years have passed as I have wasted my calling, still as the minutes now pass I feel how near I am drawing.
I draw closer now as I give up each second, as time divides I acknowledge my lesson.
I have learned through great cost what I ought not have done, In realizing this I now know why I run.
I face that what I’ve wasted was not my own, I wasted God’s time and so seeds went unsowm.
As the years passed I must have missed so many chances, to grow the kingdom, to change peoples stances.
O where did you place me, where did you allow my foot to land; I find no joy in those places now, I can barely stand.
So I fall to me knees as a new page is turned, I give it all up, I’d watch it all burn.
I was lost yet now I am found, this freedom of surrender rings a beautiful sound.
The sound of peace as silence abounds, my thoughts no longer overtake me, I stand on solid ground.
Anxiety flees, as does sin, and shame; I give God my whole life and thus I’ll never be the same.
You can have it all, I want nothing more than to know, oh God grant me the wisdom I need to grow.
I don’t want another second wasted, certainly not a year, God please send me, I know it’s overdue but finally I am here.
I have arrived at the end of myself, fill my life with nothing but you, that will be my wealth.
From this point on seconds, hours, years, this path is God’s alone, I have shaken all fears.
No more reservations, no more fight, or flight, a new day is dawning, and I choose to see solely by the saviors light.
In each and every moment God I am yours, I fully surrender, and I will live by your word.
Loss is Gain
A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.
A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.
I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.
I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.
These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.
I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.
I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.
There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.
People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed
There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life.
Tangible Love
I want to explore the type of love that humans most seek out. I feel that we most often seek out a love that is most tangible to us. We want a love that we can run to, a love that we can feel, hear, and see. We want a love that can be proved because we are doubting insecure beings. We even often convince ourselves that we deserve someone’s love just because we gave love to them. The truth behind the tangible love we usually experience though is that it is inconsistent, it fails, and both people need to reciprocate the love for it to work.
The reason I’ve set out to explain our connection with this tangible love is so that I can explore why it is so difficult for us to seek earnestly the perfect love of God. The perfect love of God does not need to be reciprocated, it is given to us without question. God’s love is unfailing and always the same, which is why it can feel foreign and seems almost impossible that it could exist. God’s love often feels intangible, we cannot touch it, or prove it by the verbal affirmation we are used to receiving from people.
The love we receive from God is different, but it is better. We do not have to work for this love, it is there for us constantly, and the words of affirmation that we seek and feel that we don’t receive are hidden in pages in that book that collects dust on most of our shelves. Whenever one begins to feel separated from God it can often mean that they aren’t communicating with Him, and long distance relationships are always hard without communication, in fact any relationship is.
God’s way of communicating His love for us is best felt through digging into the scripture, the pages of the Bible are truly a love letter written for us. We expect to be able to connect with God and return His love when we will not even read the pages on which the Lord of all creation poured His very heart out on. Our father in Heaven gave us the perfect reminder of His love in the Bible, and the Bible is a tangible thing, we can feel it, we can see it, we can run to it, and while we may not necessarily be able to prove it all, that is where faith steps in. The success of our relationship with God is based solely on our faith and willingness to participate in the relationship.
God is already constantly putting in His half of the work, so when we don’t feel God’s love we must ask ourselves how we are disconnecting from Him. While God’s love for us is perfect the relationship itself is flawed if we are not putting in work as well. Not only are we disadvantaged by not reading the scripture but we are also held back if we do not take opportunities to tell God we love Him. I am sure many would say that they say they love the Lord but ask yourself when the last time was that you poured your heart out in worship or prayed a prayer that brought you to tears. How often do we with full sincerity while putting meaning behind our words tell God that we love Him?
In the Church, we often use the phrasing “God knows my heart”, but isn’t this just being lazy and avoiding the effort that we should be putting into our relationship with God. God may know what you want to say but if you do not pour your heart out earnestly you are doing yourself a disservice, not God. It is our hearts that seek out verbal affirmation and our hearts that not only need to hear it but need to feel like they are being heard as well. God is always listening but if we aren’t talking there is nothing that can be done for us.
So, my challenge for anyone who reads this post is to make your love relationship with God a tangible one, read your Bible, make it to Church, worship with full abandon, and make sure you are expressing your love to God in everything you do. Without love we have nothing, but if we can be in a true reciprocal tangible relationship with God then my friend, we have everything.
A Restless Mind
Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping most nights. I’ve been sleeping 2-4 hours rather than the recommended 8, and it can feel completely exhausting. I’ve been waking up like a zombie and forcing my way through the day, I take it easy because I’m tired so i don’t spend too much time on anything i do not have to. I thought it was correct to relax when I was tired but yet somehow that only caused things to get worse, either by me taking a nap early in the day or by my mind just becoming restless.
A restless mind Is what I’ve discovered to be my largest problem with sleeping. I’ve found that if I don’t work my mind throughout the day by the time I lay in bed at night all of the thoughts are bound to swirl. When I dont take time during the day to step away from the screens, to try and think complex thoughts, or simply to challenge myself on new ideas my brain ends up restless. What this means for me is I lay there and think about that time 8 years ago when I said something awkward, I think about eternity, how much it scares me, i think about how it scares me to exist, but also more to not exist, and I think about all the time that I’ve wasted and it begins to feel terrifying to go to sleep. My thoughts shift from being tired to worrying about all the time I lose by going to sleep, all the things I’ll miss, as if anything interesting happens at 2 am.
At night my heart and my head fill with worry all because I don’t use my mind during the day. I walk through life allot of days as many people do, going through the motions until it’s time to climb back in bed. There is more to life however than going through the motions and my brain knows this which is why when I’ve finished a day without any real effort put in, my mind is restless and filled with anxiety. Im tired of anxiety, tired of my spiraling brain, but mostly im just tired of being tired. So this little thought is my brains workout for today, it isn’t much but it is a start. Im going to begin to give my brain more to work on throughout the day. I want to feel proud of the way I’ve spent my hours and I want to feel like I have spent enough energy to deserve rest. This is the beginning of the end for my restless mind, I intend to work harder, to discover new things, and to challenge myself more with each day to pass. Anxiety and worry will not have a foothold in my life, I am in control of my life.
Matthew 6:27 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
My Favorite Sound
This feeling must be one that I long ago had lost, a heat rising up within me melting off the frost.
I feel new, I feel free, by something as simple as this, that smile it overtakes me and I am filled with sweet bliss.
My heart bubbling up as I hang on to each word that she speaks, it is a feeling so abrasive I feel like it should stop but still that is not what I seek.
I want more of her smiles, more of her words, in a greedy disposition I just want more, oh how just looking at her makes my heart soar.
I cannot explain it but I also don’t feel the need, oh what beauty that I have found, and now this voice is my favorite sound.
