I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.
My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.
Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.
But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.
So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.
I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.
I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.
In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.
I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.
Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.
I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.
Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.
This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.
I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.
On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.
Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.
I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.
Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.
I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.
I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.
soul
Loss is Gain
A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.
A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.
I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.
I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.
These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.
I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.
I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.
There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.
People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Divided Attention
Can I see the forest for the trees? No, I am lost in the forest. It looks like the sea.
A sea of trees deep in the autumnal season, having lost all their leafs.
And through the bare branches, it is sun, shimmering on sap that sits and shines even when the day is done.
Because the night is not enough to take away this light.
The moon shines through the branches all the same, with starlight a fire flickers that does not burn, that does not maim.
Deep and unyielding, a sea of brown with flecks of silver and gold, the forest is alight, a story that is new yet old.
It is not that I see love in these trees. It is just that I am thankful that for a moment, they shined their light on me.
We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.
Pens and Pain
It’s going to hurt a little, but that just means that what you feel is real, so ready yourself, become sturdy like steel.
The words that will come will be tied with a little pain, but there’s a reason they’re coming out, a reason they shouldn’t just stay in your brain.
You bleed with your words, you cry, you shout, this just means you’re alive, so try to stand stout.
Words can heal, and change perspective, they will always be worth writing even if they don’t achieve your intended objective.
Words hold power of life and death, so use them to love and don’t worry about the rest.
The pen uses blood more than it uses ink, so keep yourself healthy, and don’t be afraid to think.
So think with your heart and feel with your mind, if that doesn’t make sense then just give it time.
There is so much beauty in this life and it’s all worth expressing, even if it hurts, because those are life’s most beautiful and imactful lessons.
Restoration in the Quiet
I know that words do not have the power that I wish they did, there is so much more, and in that life’s mysteries are hid.
I wish with just my words I could change what people see and feel, but that is not true life…that is not what’s real.
Because words often aren’t enough, I’ll act, I’ll pray, I’ll try to give out love.
For love is not only expressed in words, it’s the actions, the attitudes, the heart that is stirred.
Now my heart has been stirred, and words were once again not sufficient, but in myself I still find a passion that is relentless.
I have purpose and my words still hold power, they come from a greater source, and so they are worth a painful hour.
For when words are not enough my Lord still makes me whole, words were not enough, yet still He restores my soul.
There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed
There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life.
Tangible Love
I want to explore the type of love that humans most seek out. I feel that we most often seek out a love that is most tangible to us. We want a love that we can run to, a love that we can feel, hear, and see. We want a love that can be proved because we are doubting insecure beings. We even often convince ourselves that we deserve someone’s love just because we gave love to them. The truth behind the tangible love we usually experience though is that it is inconsistent, it fails, and both people need to reciprocate the love for it to work.
The reason I’ve set out to explain our connection with this tangible love is so that I can explore why it is so difficult for us to seek earnestly the perfect love of God. The perfect love of God does not need to be reciprocated, it is given to us without question. God’s love is unfailing and always the same, which is why it can feel foreign and seems almost impossible that it could exist. God’s love often feels intangible, we cannot touch it, or prove it by the verbal affirmation we are used to receiving from people.
The love we receive from God is different, but it is better. We do not have to work for this love, it is there for us constantly, and the words of affirmation that we seek and feel that we don’t receive are hidden in pages in that book that collects dust on most of our shelves. Whenever one begins to feel separated from God it can often mean that they aren’t communicating with Him, and long distance relationships are always hard without communication, in fact any relationship is.
God’s way of communicating His love for us is best felt through digging into the scripture, the pages of the Bible are truly a love letter written for us. We expect to be able to connect with God and return His love when we will not even read the pages on which the Lord of all creation poured His very heart out on. Our father in Heaven gave us the perfect reminder of His love in the Bible, and the Bible is a tangible thing, we can feel it, we can see it, we can run to it, and while we may not necessarily be able to prove it all, that is where faith steps in. The success of our relationship with God is based solely on our faith and willingness to participate in the relationship.
God is already constantly putting in His half of the work, so when we don’t feel God’s love we must ask ourselves how we are disconnecting from Him. While God’s love for us is perfect the relationship itself is flawed if we are not putting in work as well. Not only are we disadvantaged by not reading the scripture but we are also held back if we do not take opportunities to tell God we love Him. I am sure many would say that they say they love the Lord but ask yourself when the last time was that you poured your heart out in worship or prayed a prayer that brought you to tears. How often do we with full sincerity while putting meaning behind our words tell God that we love Him?
In the Church, we often use the phrasing “God knows my heart”, but isn’t this just being lazy and avoiding the effort that we should be putting into our relationship with God. God may know what you want to say but if you do not pour your heart out earnestly you are doing yourself a disservice, not God. It is our hearts that seek out verbal affirmation and our hearts that not only need to hear it but need to feel like they are being heard as well. God is always listening but if we aren’t talking there is nothing that can be done for us.
So, my challenge for anyone who reads this post is to make your love relationship with God a tangible one, read your Bible, make it to Church, worship with full abandon, and make sure you are expressing your love to God in everything you do. Without love we have nothing, but if we can be in a true reciprocal tangible relationship with God then my friend, we have everything.
A Letter From My Heart “Not Again”
Not again, you can’t possibly do this to us again we have learned our lesson it has to end.
I have so many scars I don’t even look like me anymore, how could you risk me like this, how could you put me in danger it’s just a girl she is practically a stranger.
I don’t see how you can act this way, after all we have been through after all the tears, you still think I have the capacity for love… after all of these years?
I thought we had reached an understanding, I thought you shut me off, I was resting and now suddenly I’m beating once more, and what is it all for how can she be worth it… I’m just far too sore.
I am trying so hard but you just keep pushing, I keep telling you too give up before it is too late, but still you try and you tell me that It’s fate.
How can you be such a fool, I am so broken, if this goes wrong there is no way that I will survive, please just stop and think about my life.
So, she might be your muse, it has happened before, you act like it means something just because she brings us joy does not mean she won’t break us at our very core!
You are so lost in her eyes you can’t even think straight, she could kill us, how is that for fate?
I just don’t get why I had to belong to you, you love too easily, and you’ve broken me all the way through.
I hope you will just listen because I’m saying this as a friend, I want us to live, we do not have anything left to give.
I don’t think you can hear me right now, mainly because she just smiled again, I know because I’m beating faster, and yes it feels good but at what price… I… I am caught in a vise.
I can’t deny that I want to love again, I feel a spark when you look at her, but still this fire could die and then what, will you just leave me to fry?
I know you want this and partly I do too but just listen to me, you can’t do this… it will probably all be in vain, just please I’m begging you now, not again…
Tales of Dylan 