Sleep

A Girl and Her Storm

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Her smile shined in a darkness that she herself had borne, she walked it around like a dark cloud before a heavy storm.

  The storm came with her tears when that lovely smile was no more, but after storms come rainbows and brighter skies; the rainbow was in her eyes.

  Her eyes changed like the seasons, her emotions deciding the fate of their colors, you could see her soul in those eyes, an ever changing beauty like no other.

  She is still learning to tame this storm, but the more she learns the fiercer she becomes, a force to be reckoned with… her gaze would leave any man stunned.

  I can’t say all that she is for I’m still learning moment by moment each one I find better than the last, I don’t even seem to mind it going nowhere fast.

  Such a light within such darkness I am glad just to have as a friend, I will value her deeply until the very end.

  I believe this girl will become a storm herself, growing mightier than the ones she has faced, she will fight fire with fire as she learns the Lords embrace.

  She is destined for many great things, of that I am certainly sure, the beautiful thing to realize is that her growth will have come from this storm.

Vulnerability

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It’s hard for most to leave themselves vulnerable, to let their weakness be known. For me however, it is much harder for me to build up a wall. I wish deeply to trust others, to help them in their struggles. I certainly can’t help others if I myself pretend to be fine, how then can I expect others to be honest with me? I’ve often been weakened by the attacks waged by my own mind, and I’ve had to seek help in dealing with that. My truest help comes from God, but I owe allot to the friends who have stood by my side and my family who has constantly lifted me back up. I have not truly fallen yet, I will not do so today, and I certainly will not fall to my sorrows in the future. I don’t mean to say that I will never cry or that I will never need help, what I am saying is that I will make it through, and my testimony will be all the better for it. For all these reasons I say fine, know that I cry, know that I am willing as a grown man to let my mother hold me when I’m to weak on my own, know that I have flaws, but also know this, in my weakness my God is strong. Nothing will have a hold on me for my life already belongs to God. I have found a consistent joyous reminder in my life that no matter what I face I can always trust in my God. Alone I am nothing, with God I am the downfall of the entire kingdom of hell. I claim my life for God today and every day, let life breathe into these dry bones and let my vulnerability be my Gods strength.

The Flood I Feed

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   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.

   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an irremediable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.

   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.

   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.

Last Night

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Last night I crawled in bed with my mom and cried into her arms. Yes, you heard correctly, a 20 year old man crawled in bed with his mother and cried because he was afraid. Understand me however that these were not your every day fears, no these were not the nightmares I had as a child, these fears are all too real. Last night I was afraid of my own mind, that it would take my life, I was afraid that I was all alone, that I was empty inside,  that I would never amount to anything, that nobody could love me, care for me, I was afraid that I would never see happiness again. The fear I faced last night, the thing that made me cry, I could see my demons clawing at my soul wanting me to die, but those demons are not and never will be in control. Yes, a 20 year old man needed his mommy to protect him, because he could not protect himself. This grown man needed to be reminded that God held his life in His hands, that people cared, that people loved him, he needed to know why he was alive. The love of a mother, so pure, so wonderful a thing that God gave us. Last night I needed my mother and she was there. No matter the age I’m always her baby and somehow that’s comfort enough to know I should be alive. Last night my mother was an angel that held me in her arms, if that’s not God answering my prayer that I matter and am loved then I don’t know what is. I asked for something, and He could see in my heart it needed to be something I could physically feel and see this time. God answered my prayer 20 years before I prayed it by giving me my mom. Last night, I was a baby, and that’s okay, I wasn’t a baby because I cried, I was a baby because to my mom that’s what I am, I am her baby, and I think knowing that is one of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. So when you’re in a dark place, whether you are 12, 20, 34, or whatever age you may be, find yourself someone like my mom, someone who never fails to remind you that they care, and that they love you with all their heart.

So, here is to all the moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, friends, and whoever else is always there when someone they love is in need. Most importantly here is to my mom, truly the most precious woman in my life, without her I am nothing, without her I’d probably already be dead, but with her I can take on the world.

Never be afraid to let everything go, and crawl in bed with your mom, sometimes it is exactly what you need, thank you mom, I love you.

Words

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Your words should be careful, but purposeful. Words are like a sword, they can cut someones bondage, or you can end their life. Speak life today, speak words of God rather than your own.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

Friendship Defined

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What makes a good friend, what qualities should they have? Courage when fear is the logical expression, loyalty when the world comes against you, love when you can’t even love yourself, and one who will carry you when you are too weak to stand.

What makes a good friend? A good friend is someone who will stand up against you if your ideas are ill advised, who will stop you from hurting yourself even at the cost of friendship itself. A friend is a sister or a brother, whom you hand pick to stay by your side, these people are to be cherished for they would lay down their own life.

A good friend is a 3 am phone call when they have work at 7 because you just can’t find the will to live and you need someone to tell you that you matter. A good friend is the person that forces you to eat 20 chicken nuggets when you haven’t eaten for a week because that girl broke you in half. A good friend is always there, even when they aren’t. They are there in the back of your head, they send you encouraging and funny texts, and they talk to you when they can.

Good friends are often busy, but that doesn’t make them any less of a friend, life is tough, and adulthood is a troubling journey. It’s important to find someone who will stand by you in the good times and the bad.

God holds me up, and He is the best friend there is, so why does God send us friends? God sends us good friends so that we will turn back to Him and away from the things that distract us from what matters.

I leave you with a few verses on friendship and an explanation for each.

Proverbs 13:20 NIV He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harms.

This verse teaches us to seek friends who will allow us to grow rather than hinder us and teach us the ways of wrong. Surround yourself with friends who breed good rather than evil.

John 15:13 NIV Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

This verse is a simple as can be, a good friend is prepared to lay down their life so that another could live. Simply put, to be a good friend but them before yourself. Be careful however not to sacrifice yourself unnecessarily, there is a happy medium between selfishness and constant sacrificial behavior.

Proverbs 27:17 NIV As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another

A good friend sharpens those around them, and teaches that which is good.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

We are called to pick one another up, who will pick us up if we have no friend? Much can get done with good friends, together we can lighten up this dark world.

Proverbs 15:22 NIV Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

We should be able to have faith in Good friends that they will guide is towards correct and Godly decisions. Counsel is necessary when making decisions we must be faithful in prayer, but also seek the opinion of our like minded friends. We must be careful however to never be led astray.

I Am More

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I am free from such misconceptions of those I held in the past, I see the break of day beyond my terrifying night; I finally can see exactly what is right.

My beliefs were held in question when I chose to let my passion dwindle I felt someone or something was more important but that was my brain being swindled.

I lost my self in the colors I saw and forgot who i was, I forgot my own cause.

Whether others say that I am right or wrong my soul feels contempt and sings a new
sweet song.

This song is sweeter than any that I have spoken of in the past because I have passed foolishness into wisdom and this is wisdom that shall last.

I am made new once again and I’m sure it will come at least a few more Times I am defined by more than some girl, more than a chemical imbalance, and even more than these Rhymes.

Purging Passion

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I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushes me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, YouTube it, Instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionate fury die and I will try once more to sleep.

May The Earth Bare it’s Bones

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I’ve come to stand in a whole new state of mind; inspiration cannot pass while a heart still yearns so if nothing else I have learned.

I have learned that I can not diminish the joy that you bring nor can I rid myself of the way my soul wants after yours; you have shaken me down to my very core.

I am the core of the earth, and you are the shifting plates at my mantel as I can’t stay still I remember how It must be handled.

To calm my very being I must poetically purge myself of these tremendous trimmers then my earth shall sit the plate’s thrust will grow dimmer.

I ponder such placement that my soul would grasp at yours though denial may sting determination cannot die; I told myself id get over it that was a lie.

I can not settle in more ways then one no person fits my standard that I’ve seen under this setting sun.

However as I first looked at you it seemed that somehow I truly knew.

So perhaps the quakes that make the ground quiver are just God shaking me grabbing a hold of my rib and shouting give it to her!

My Deepest Fear

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I’m a blunt person, I generally believe in absolute honesty and feel that i have nothing worth hiding. We are all humans, we all have our problems and flaws. No matter what we face as people each day there is nothing new under the sun, I feel that there’s no point in me keeping quiet of something I struggle with because if I do then how will i ever receive an opportunity to help others in the same boat. Now that my introductory rambling on is finished with I can arrive at the true topic of discussion, my deepest fear. A few weeks or so back a friend asked me what my deepest fear was, as to others who have asked before I answered in the same manor,  bluntly and honestly,  my deepest fear is that one day my depression will win and I will simply end my own life. Do not, however take this statement the wrong way I am not nor have I ever been truly suicidal. I do have a fear though that my depression is stronger that what it lets off and that one day it will give it all it has to take me. Fears are often irrational and I don’t believe this one is an exception, I don’t believe I would ever reach that point nor do I believe that even at my darkest times I would be able to ignore the presence of God in my life or the consequences that my following actions could have on my eternity. My fear is irrational and ironically keeps me strong for my fear does not always exist but instead only exists when I am lost within the dark confines of my own mind. My fear of losing to my depression only appears when a battle arises, and when that fear arises I fight even harder. Death will not take my body until the Lord calls me Himself to everlasting life. It may be hard and at time feel lonely and hopeless but I have work to do and it starts by defeating my deepest fear every time it shows its face. There is hope and there is light that will always exist, Jesus Christ will guide my sword.