romance

The Flood I Feed

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   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.

   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an irremediable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.

   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.

   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.

Last Night

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Last night I crawled in bed with my mom and cried into her arms. Yes, you heard correctly, a 20 year old man crawled in bed with his mother and cried because he was afraid. Understand me however that these were not your every day fears, no these were not the nightmares I had as a child, these fears are all too real. Last night I was afraid of my own mind, that it would take my life, I was afraid that I was all alone, that I was empty inside,  that I would never amount to anything, that nobody could love me, care for me, I was afraid that I would never see happiness again. The fear I faced last night, the thing that made me cry, I could see my demons clawing at my soul wanting me to die, but those demons are not and never will be in control. Yes, a 20 year old man needed his mommy to protect him, because he could not protect himself. This grown man needed to be reminded that God held his life in His hands, that people cared, that people loved him, he needed to know why he was alive. The love of a mother, so pure, so wonderful a thing that God gave us. Last night I needed my mother and she was there. No matter the age I’m always her baby and somehow that’s comfort enough to know I should be alive. Last night my mother was an angel that held me in her arms, if that’s not God answering my prayer that I matter and am loved then I don’t know what is. I asked for something, and He could see in my heart it needed to be something I could physically feel and see this time. God answered my prayer 20 years before I prayed it by giving me my mom. Last night, I was a baby, and that’s okay, I wasn’t a baby because I cried, I was a baby because to my mom that’s what I am, I am her baby, and I think knowing that is one of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. So when you’re in a dark place, whether you are 12, 20, 34, or whatever age you may be, find yourself someone like my mom, someone who never fails to remind you that they care, and that they love you with all their heart.

So, here is to all the moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, friends, and whoever else is always there when someone they love is in need. Most importantly here is to my mom, truly the most precious woman in my life, without her I am nothing, without her I’d probably already be dead, but with her I can take on the world.

Never be afraid to let everything go, and crawl in bed with your mom, sometimes it is exactly what you need, thank you mom, I love you.

I Am More

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I am free from such misconceptions of those I held in the past, I see the break of day beyond my terrifying night; I finally can see exactly what is right.

My beliefs were held in question when I chose to let my passion dwindle I felt someone or something was more important but that was my brain being swindled.

I lost my self in the colors I saw and forgot who i was, I forgot my own cause.

Whether others say that I am right or wrong my soul feels contempt and sings a new
sweet song.

This song is sweeter than any that I have spoken of in the past because I have passed foolishness into wisdom and this is wisdom that shall last.

I am made new once again and I’m sure it will come at least a few more Times I am defined by more than some girl, more than a chemical imbalance, and even more than these Rhymes.

Purging Passion

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I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushes me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, YouTube it, Instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionate fury die and I will try once more to sleep.

My Deepest Fear

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I’m a blunt person, I generally believe in absolute honesty and feel that i have nothing worth hiding. We are all humans, we all have our problems and flaws. No matter what we face as people each day there is nothing new under the sun, I feel that there’s no point in me keeping quiet of something I struggle with because if I do then how will i ever receive an opportunity to help others in the same boat. Now that my introductory rambling on is finished with I can arrive at the true topic of discussion, my deepest fear. A few weeks or so back a friend asked me what my deepest fear was, as to others who have asked before I answered in the same manor,  bluntly and honestly,  my deepest fear is that one day my depression will win and I will simply end my own life. Do not, however take this statement the wrong way I am not nor have I ever been truly suicidal. I do have a fear though that my depression is stronger that what it lets off and that one day it will give it all it has to take me. Fears are often irrational and I don’t believe this one is an exception, I don’t believe I would ever reach that point nor do I believe that even at my darkest times I would be able to ignore the presence of God in my life or the consequences that my following actions could have on my eternity. My fear is irrational and ironically keeps me strong for my fear does not always exist but instead only exists when I am lost within the dark confines of my own mind. My fear of losing to my depression only appears when a battle arises, and when that fear arises I fight even harder. Death will not take my body until the Lord calls me Himself to everlasting life. It may be hard and at time feel lonely and hopeless but I have work to do and it starts by defeating my deepest fear every time it shows its face. There is hope and there is light that will always exist, Jesus Christ will guide my sword.

Even the Past Must Move On

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I find these old memories lost in the shadows of my mind, I didn’t think they’d be back, but now I’m under attack.

Nostalgia and déjà vu, all at once when i see a picture of you.

What am I to do with this information that I’ve found, that my heart still seeks you, and your voice…I am deafened by the sound.

I know not what to do with these emotions with which I’ve been struck, I can not move, I am simply stuck.

Every word i read,  every picture i see, all I feel are painful memories.

I speak not of a girl or even of a friend,  but simply the past which seems better than this present tense.

That’s the thing about the past,  you get to pick and choose what you see but much of it was costly,  not all joyful and free.

I long for the past for it held simpler times, chasing a brown eyed girl and writing simpler rhymes.

I’ve reached a point that I just long for something more, something beyond my depression, something to make my soul soar.

I look to the past, present, and future for the one thing that remained constant, Yahweh, my God I worship your presence.

So, now I look not to the past, but instead to the present for each step I take will not be woefully spent.

Nostalgia is lovely, but not to be taken fully to heart the memories I’ve made are in the past,  and each day is a new start.

In The Fall

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I will forever be in love with those ever changing eyes, that green and gold twisting vortex of leaves, that showed itself… to me.

  I come to understand that your eyes foretold a warning in the way they changed like the fall, you were changing as well, that’s how I lost it all.

  Now I sit in the fall wondering where you’ve gone, I remember it all, staying up talking from dusk till the dawn.

  The way the sun rose when it rose upon your face was the most beautiful sight I’ve seen, it’s been so hard to try and replace.

  I keep searching for answers, but the answers don’t come, i made you more than my world, you were the center of me…my very sun.

  Nature is the only way i could ever think to explain you, so i do it once more, hoping to understand, how did i lose you…and when did i become such a broken man.

  I still have my God, that much i know but  i could swear i felt something pure and true between our two souls; I lost you, and in that i lost control.

  Now that I’ve recovered and picked myself back up, i still feel it all deep within my heart; Ill try to ignore it at least for now, but the thoughts always come back and that is why i feel… like my heart is under attack.

  So i fight through this storm and embrace the change in weather, for this fall is one that will do nothing but sever.

Eyes

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I often look into peoples eyes and see more than what i feel others see. Each eye holds its own glimmer and shine, and each in its own spot. The eyes color, light, and movement along with the things we feel tell stories that most don’t know how to read. Within eyes one can see honesty, lies, joy, sadness, pain, faith, and much more.  I believe there are small worlds held within our eyes filling each particle of color up with our thoughts and emotions. It’s truly amazing how we as people can fall for certain eyes my poison of course is brown eyes. Every time I look into a pair of brown eyes i could swear their entire soul is on display. The worlds I see within them are like a fantasy world to me,  I’d do anything to make my way in and stay.  Often times people with brown eyes don’t even like their own eyes and it breaks my heart because I find them so wonderful. The mountain of poems that have been inspired by brown eyed girls  just shows how dearly my soul will reach out for them. It seems like such a small quality the color of one’s eyes and admittedly in a way it is.  There is no guarantee that the woman I marry will have brown eyes because while I fall for a color what I truly fall for is the soul inside.  We should all pay more attention to the individual little flickers of emotion within each-others eyes. The beauty that I’ve discovered by consistently gazing into others eyes has filled my soul. While this world will fill your eyes with darkness, sorrow,  and tears, one can always see that one little glimmer in the corner of the eye reminding us all that our soul is alive and will remain unbroken by the terrors of this world. The glimmer for me and that of many others is a flame that will never die out,  i hold fast to the joy of Christ and His love will forever guide my eyes.

I Am In A river

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 I am in a river, flowing steady and strong, it twists and turns for what feels to be far too long.

   Feels like i’m in the deep, struggling to swim above the water, all around me are people on land, none care for me as i reach out desperately with my hand.

   I’ve been in this river for quite some time but still may have a while to go, i cant see the end quite yet but the water’s at least a bit more shallow.

   I haven’t lived in this river my whole life, in fact I’ve been on land many times, most times i was thrown back in the water, but sometimes i just jumped in, i must keep faith there is an end.

   The problem i have with the river is impatience at the core, when i see a way out i jump for it, but i should know by now ill always end up wanting more.

   Its hard to tell where the river ends so we often make mistakes, we leave the river for solid ground but it simply crumbles beneath our feet.

   The river has widened due to my follies so I just keep floating trying to keep faith that God has made my river well and that the end of the river holds a beautiful shell.

   I jumped from the river for shells in the past, but none of them were right, none of them could last.

   I look back on the shells i held and the solid ground on which i stood, i think of the result and I’m in a different mood.

   The river is not so bad, in fact it keeps us from harm, i must hold out until i reach the end, there i will see my perfect shell’s charm.

   I am in a river, flowing steady and strong, it twists and turns for what I’m sure couldn’t be too terribly long.

Shy From His Shack

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You’re breaking my being into a shambled shack of lost dreams outside it’s window you can see the stream.

This stream you see has been made up of tears, they are from the eyes of a man who would chase you for many years.

This man lives deep in the forest where he hopes and prays, all he wants is for you to come to him… One day.

But one day is a day that shall never come because you have better options and out of those he can’t even beat some.

He is a man who knows when he has been beaten, but like the nature around him he can’t ignore the beautiful brown in the bright souled eyes everything in him when he sees her smile… well it simply dies.

But then he Is brought back to life, his heart gets a jolt from his love for her soul.

This has made all the difference, the way she kills him yet adds meaning to his breaths that’s why he lives secluded in a forest, secluded until his death.