There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life.
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Facing Our Worries
Early this Sunday morning im thinking about worries. Every day I feel anxious about something, worrying about the things ahead of me. The thing about worrying though is that each and every one of them is something that we cannot change. Usually this bad thing that may happen, if it does there is nothing we can do about it. This is where God comes in, we are told to cast our worries on Him.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NIV
Give it all to God today, do not be shaken, conquer every fear, and let God handle what you can’t. There are many things that we wont be able to change, but for those things God is our only option. I think this is pretty comforting, it makes the thought process pretty simple. Go through the steps and ask yourself, can you change it? If the answer is no give it to God. Now if we have given this worry to God then who are we to continue to worry about what the God of all creation will do with our situation? God has a purpose for all things, and if the worse should come to pass take confidence that He will use it for good. Focus on what is in front of you, not what is ahead.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV
No worry is too small or too big, God will gladly handle your situation. It will be a challenge because you have to trust in God’s timing as well, but in the end it will always be well worth it. Remember in your struggle that God is constant and hears your prayers, but perfect timing doesnt happen right when you ask for it, it happens when the timing is perfect. When you look back on struggles in your past you will usually notice great blessings that only came because of what you went through. I was talking to a friend just recently about something bad that he had went through that made him feel like he had really been set back in life. We sat and looked at the situation though, if he hadn’t gone through that we wouldn’t have been so close, he wouldn’t have been as driven as he is now, and he may not have been as happy as he now is. The point is, sure he could have been further in life already, but he is catching up. He learned allot through that struggle, he will go forward in life stronger, more confidently, and wiser than before. New opportunities await him that may be greater than ones he would have had without that struggle. New opportunities await you as well, never focus on the sorrow that is, but instead on the joy that will be.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18 NIV
We have free will, that means that there are going to be mistakes, but oh what an all powerful God we serve that he moves the very earth around us to compensate for each one. Don’t question God’s plan, He will make happen what is supposed to happen, and eventually in His time you will find your joy. Worries are not worth our time, spend time in prayer and God will grant you comfort. Remember that it is out of your hands. We need to remember to let go, and humble ourselves. We do not need to control everything we face. Let your Father in Heaven handle the things that you can’t, it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise. Be comforted that while we are merely human the most powerful being that is has your situation in His hands, and nothing can stop the hands of God.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?
Isaiah 14:27 NIV
Feeling Like Peter
I have recently been finding my way back to serving God with more consistency, making sure to read my Bible, writing more, and ministering to others. For quite some time I had become stagnant in my faith, I had become still and lazy. Now I have discovered in myself a new found passion for serving my God. I have been able to remind myself of this deep and beautiful love connection that I have with God and how vital it is to my very existence.
I have been feeling better than ever but yesterday on my way to work I began to pray. When I started to pray it was a simple prayer like many others that I have prayed but as it went on I reached this point of talking to God about how much I had been pushing him aside lately and I found myself praying repeatedly, ” I love you Lord, I love you Lord”. In this moment I think I understood the Interaction between Peter and Jesus after Peter denied Jesus three times Jesus asked Peter, “do you love me”, three times and each time Peter replied yes but was hurt that Jesus had asked him 3 times. (John 21:15-17) I think Peter felt that Jesus was calling into question his love but I think that is far from the case. In this passage Jesus is helping Peter to reaffirm his love for Jesus and to forgive himself for denying Christ.
Peter could have gone on feeling ashamed of what he had done, feeling like he no longer deserved to serve God. or to minister to others. Jesus freed Peter of his would be shackles though and told Peter, “feed my sheep”. Jesus in this passage says to Peter that what matters is that he loves Jesus and from that point continues to serve him. In each, “yes you know I love you Lord” Peter is given an opportunity to in a way apologize while reminding himself of his love of Jesus. Jesus knew that Peter would go onto Minister and do great things in the nations in the name of God, He knew that Peter’s story was not over yet. When I was repeating to God in my Prayer that I loved Him over and over it was not for His benefit but for my own. I in that moment of vulnerability had to apologize to God for each time that I had picked something else over Him, each time that I had pushed God aside, and reaffirm for myself that I truly deeply love God.
I have understood for but a moment how Peter must have felt, the need and sorrowful thirst for a forgiving unrelenting love. I found myself with tears in my eyes because with each, “I love you” that I prayed I could only hear the words, “I know”. In my sorrow that I had turned my back on the lover of my soul and healer of my heart I knew that I did not deserve open arms and a loving embrace but that is exactly what I was given. God looked on me with compassion and said that He knew all along I would return, I was never doubted for a second, God was waiting with arms stretched wide. Now in my heart I cannot believe that I let the love letter from my God gain even one speck of dust, I hold my Bible tight and know that my story is not over. From this point on I will continue to serve God in many ways. A great path is set before me and I am beyond excited for each step that I will take.
This Light That I Have Seen
Why is my heart so distracted by her, why has my heart become so overwhelmed? Why does it feel as though I am feeling for the very first time? My soul grasps at a beauty that I do not understand. I see her spirit and it is light itself. My heart is overjoyed by the simplest of things, to hear from her at all each word fills my heart until it overflows. I feel pathetic and foolish because I can see that she is the most beautiful soul I have yet to encounter and yet I am too hesitant and too fearful to even reach out. She sets a fire within me that cannot be quelled. She has a soul that is hard to miss, it overtakes the room. I feel that I can truly see her soul, and I can’t help but want to know more. I can see in her the perfect love of God and I believe that is what has stopped me in my tracks. She is a true woman of God and I see in her more beauty then I thought possible to find. I am overjoyed by her existence, but too fearful to do anything but feel these things from afar. She has affected my very soul and it has become hard to keep the cries of my spirit quiet. My heart is shouting out at me but I am pushing my emotions aside. Without pursuing I can’t fail, but in not pursuing I feel as though I have failed myself. She seems to be an unreachable light, what am I to do, what path do I take? All I can do now is pray and listen for God’s voice. Is she someone I can reach, or is she just an inspiration to push me on, I do not know yet. What I do know is that I am deeply happy that I have met someone like her, a woman with such a spirit that my heart would be this deeply moved. I only hope that she knows she is beautiful, and that she knows that she is an astounding image of the love of God.
A Letter From My Heart “Not Again”
Not again, you can’t possibly do this to us again we have learned our lesson it has to end.
I have so many scars I don’t even look like me anymore, how could you risk me like this, how could you put me in danger it’s just a girl she is practically a stranger.
I don’t see how you can act this way, after all we have been through after all the tears, you still think I have the capacity for love… after all of these years?
I thought we had reached an understanding, I thought you shut me off, I was resting and now suddenly I’m beating once more, and what is it all for how can she be worth it… I’m just far too sore.
I am trying so hard but you just keep pushing, I keep telling you too give up before it is too late, but still you try and you tell me that It’s fate.
How can you be such a fool, I am so broken, if this goes wrong there is no way that I will survive, please just stop and think about my life.
So, she might be your muse, it has happened before, you act like it means something just because she brings us joy does not mean she won’t break us at our very core!
You are so lost in her eyes you can’t even think straight, she could kill us, how is that for fate?
I just don’t get why I had to belong to you, you love too easily, and you’ve broken me all the way through.
I hope you will just listen because I’m saying this as a friend, I want us to live, we do not have anything left to give.
I don’t think you can hear me right now, mainly because she just smiled again, I know because I’m beating faster, and yes it feels good but at what price… I… I am caught in a vise.
I can’t deny that I want to love again, I feel a spark when you look at her, but still this fire could die and then what, will you just leave me to fry?
I know you want this and partly I do too but just listen to me, you can’t do this… it will probably all be in vain, just please I’m begging you now, not again…
Today
Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV
Some Thoughts and A Poem
I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.
My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.
Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.
“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”
There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!
The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.
The boy was plagued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.
The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.
The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.
The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage disappeared.
The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.
This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.
From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constantly molding and strengthening a stone.
Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.
This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.
The Light Through The Rain
The rain falls today upon my empty heart, it wells up with water bursting at the seams, I wonder if this pain is real… or has it all just been a dream?
I’m lost in this world that I’m told is reality, where am I to go next to escape this triviality?
I don’t know where I am nor where I’m going, I’ve no idea who I even am but still I see a light that is glowing.
This light… the hope of love in a world so full of loss, I see it in the distance, I face the final boss.
I fight myself…my own mind, this time I shall win, this time my own light will shine.
Joy
Joy, I feel it course through me as the Holy Spirit wages war for my happiness… for my very soul. Joy is not what most people understand it to be. Joy is the last soldier on a battlefield standing against an army with no chance of survival except by the hand of God. Joy is the hope of God, the comfort that our Savior will hold us steady no matter what storm we face. Every day I face the same battles waged in my mind. I often feel like I can’t break free from my own despair. The beautiful thing about joy that most do not understand is that it is separate from happiness. Joy stays with us even when the tears flow and depression is ripping into our very souls. Joy is trusting in God, in His almighty power. Joy is everything to me, because without it I’d already be dead.
Joy is the hand that holds on as the rest of your being reaches for the release of death. Joy is what has given me a chance and allowed me to continue to fight. I have such a passion for joy because even now I am deeply saddened by state this world is in. Still, I have a hope and I trust that God will restore light to this broken world. Sometimes I don’t feel like I want to be but I am supposed to be that light. I often cannot help but flicker and sometimes in doing so I hurt others with my flame. It’s difficult and I’ts shameful when you realize you’ve hurt someone else. The reason I need God and joy is so that I can live to see another day and know that God will continue to use me despite my mistakes. I am nothing without God and so He fills me with joy. Though the battles I face are tough and I often grow too tired to face them anymore, I am lucky to have a God who restores me and stands by my side.I may lose myself but God will never forget who I am. My God keeps me and restores me all by the hand of joy.
Even There
There is no distance you can go that God will not follow, no place you can be that He will not be as well. Every mistake we make every unforgivable screw up we commit God forgives us still and He works those things for good. God pursues us and loves us endlessly. While we were STILL sinners Christ died for us. There is no place that my God can not reach. His glorious name is enough to calm my every storm. Even in my darkest places, when death had its grip around my neck God was there and He fought for my life. God’s plan for me is beyond my own merit I am nothing and that is exactly why my God uses me. No matter where I find myself even there my God will be.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7-12 NIV
