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Some Thoughts and A Poem

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I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.

My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.

Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.

“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”

There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!

The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.

The boy was plagued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.

The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.

The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.

The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage disappeared.

The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.

This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.

From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constantly molding and strengthening a stone.

Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.

This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.

The Light Through The Rain

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   The rain falls today upon my empty heart, it wells up with water bursting at the seams, I wonder if this pain is real… or has it all just been a dream?

   I’m lost in this world that I’m told is reality, where am I to go next to escape this triviality?

   I don’t know where I am nor where I’m going, I’ve no idea who I even am but still I see a light that is glowing.

   This light… the hope of love in a world so full of loss, I see it in the distance, I face the final boss.

   I fight myself…my own mind, this time I shall win, this time my own light will shine.

Joy

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Joy, I feel it course through me as the Holy Spirit wages war for my happiness… for my very soul. Joy is not what most people understand it to be. Joy is the last soldier on a battlefield standing against an army with no chance of survival except by the hand of God. Joy is the hope of God, the comfort that our Savior will hold us steady no matter what storm we face. Every day I face the same battles waged in my mind. I often feel like I can’t break free from my own despair. The beautiful thing about joy that most do not understand is that it is separate from happiness. Joy stays with us even when the tears flow and depression is ripping into our very souls. Joy is trusting in God, in His almighty power. Joy is everything to me, because without it I’d already be dead.

    Joy is the hand that holds on as the rest of your being reaches for the release of death. Joy is what has given me a chance and allowed me to continue to fight. I have such a passion for joy because even now I am deeply saddened by state this world is in. Still, I have a hope and I trust that God will restore light to this broken world. Sometimes I don’t feel like I want to be but I am supposed to be that light. I often cannot help but flicker and sometimes in doing so I hurt others with my flame. It’s difficult and I’ts shameful when you realize you’ve hurt someone else. The reason I need God and joy is so that I can live to see another day and know that God will continue to use me despite my mistakes. I am nothing without God and so He fills me with joy. Though the battles I face are tough and I often grow too tired to face them anymore, I am lucky to have a God who restores me and stands by my side.I may lose myself but God will never forget who I am. My God keeps me and restores me all by the hand of joy.

Even There

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There is no distance you can go that God will not follow, no place you can be that He will not be as well. Every mistake we make every unforgivable screw up we commit God forgives us still and He works those things for good. God pursues us and loves us endlessly. While we were STILL sinners Christ died for us. There is no place that my God can not reach. His glorious name is enough to calm my every storm. Even in my darkest places, when death had its grip around my neck God was there and He fought for my life. God’s plan for me is beyond my own merit I am nothing and that is exactly why my God uses me. No matter where I find myself even there my God will be.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7‭-‬12 NIV

A Girl and Her Storm

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Her smile shined in a darkness that she herself had borne, she walked it around like a dark cloud before a heavy storm.

  The storm came with her tears when that lovely smile was no more, but after storms come rainbows and brighter skies; the rainbow was in her eyes.

  Her eyes changed like the seasons, her emotions deciding the fate of their colors, you could see her soul in those eyes, an ever changing beauty like no other.

  She is still learning to tame this storm, but the more she learns the fiercer she becomes, a force to be reckoned with… her gaze would leave any man stunned.

  I can’t say all that she is for I’m still learning moment by moment each one I find better than the last, I don’t even seem to mind it going nowhere fast.

  Such a light within such darkness I am glad just to have as a friend, I will value her deeply until the very end.

  I believe this girl will become a storm herself, growing mightier than the ones she has faced, she will fight fire with fire as she learns the Lords embrace.

  She is destined for many great things, of that I am certainly sure, the beautiful thing to realize is that her growth will have come from this storm.

The Flood I Feed

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   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.

   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an irremediable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.

   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.

   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.

Last Night

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Last night I crawled in bed with my mom and cried into her arms. Yes, you heard correctly, a 20 year old man crawled in bed with his mother and cried because he was afraid. Understand me however that these were not your every day fears, no these were not the nightmares I had as a child, these fears are all too real. Last night I was afraid of my own mind, that it would take my life, I was afraid that I was all alone, that I was empty inside,  that I would never amount to anything, that nobody could love me, care for me, I was afraid that I would never see happiness again. The fear I faced last night, the thing that made me cry, I could see my demons clawing at my soul wanting me to die, but those demons are not and never will be in control. Yes, a 20 year old man needed his mommy to protect him, because he could not protect himself. This grown man needed to be reminded that God held his life in His hands, that people cared, that people loved him, he needed to know why he was alive. The love of a mother, so pure, so wonderful a thing that God gave us. Last night I needed my mother and she was there. No matter the age I’m always her baby and somehow that’s comfort enough to know I should be alive. Last night my mother was an angel that held me in her arms, if that’s not God answering my prayer that I matter and am loved then I don’t know what is. I asked for something, and He could see in my heart it needed to be something I could physically feel and see this time. God answered my prayer 20 years before I prayed it by giving me my mom. Last night, I was a baby, and that’s okay, I wasn’t a baby because I cried, I was a baby because to my mom that’s what I am, I am her baby, and I think knowing that is one of the most precious gifts I could ever receive. So when you’re in a dark place, whether you are 12, 20, 34, or whatever age you may be, find yourself someone like my mom, someone who never fails to remind you that they care, and that they love you with all their heart.

So, here is to all the moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, friends, and whoever else is always there when someone they love is in need. Most importantly here is to my mom, truly the most precious woman in my life, without her I am nothing, without her I’d probably already be dead, but with her I can take on the world.

Never be afraid to let everything go, and crawl in bed with your mom, sometimes it is exactly what you need, thank you mom, I love you.

I Am More

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I am free from such misconceptions of those I held in the past, I see the break of day beyond my terrifying night; I finally can see exactly what is right.

My beliefs were held in question when I chose to let my passion dwindle I felt someone or something was more important but that was my brain being swindled.

I lost my self in the colors I saw and forgot who i was, I forgot my own cause.

Whether others say that I am right or wrong my soul feels contempt and sings a new
sweet song.

This song is sweeter than any that I have spoken of in the past because I have passed foolishness into wisdom and this is wisdom that shall last.

I am made new once again and I’m sure it will come at least a few more Times I am defined by more than some girl, more than a chemical imbalance, and even more than these Rhymes.

Purging Passion

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I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushes me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, YouTube it, Instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionate fury die and I will try once more to sleep.

My Deepest Fear

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I’m a blunt person, I generally believe in absolute honesty and feel that i have nothing worth hiding. We are all humans, we all have our problems and flaws. No matter what we face as people each day there is nothing new under the sun, I feel that there’s no point in me keeping quiet of something I struggle with because if I do then how will i ever receive an opportunity to help others in the same boat. Now that my introductory rambling on is finished with I can arrive at the true topic of discussion, my deepest fear. A few weeks or so back a friend asked me what my deepest fear was, as to others who have asked before I answered in the same manor,  bluntly and honestly,  my deepest fear is that one day my depression will win and I will simply end my own life. Do not, however take this statement the wrong way I am not nor have I ever been truly suicidal. I do have a fear though that my depression is stronger that what it lets off and that one day it will give it all it has to take me. Fears are often irrational and I don’t believe this one is an exception, I don’t believe I would ever reach that point nor do I believe that even at my darkest times I would be able to ignore the presence of God in my life or the consequences that my following actions could have on my eternity. My fear is irrational and ironically keeps me strong for my fear does not always exist but instead only exists when I am lost within the dark confines of my own mind. My fear of losing to my depression only appears when a battle arises, and when that fear arises I fight even harder. Death will not take my body until the Lord calls me Himself to everlasting life. It may be hard and at time feel lonely and hopeless but I have work to do and it starts by defeating my deepest fear every time it shows its face. There is hope and there is light that will always exist, Jesus Christ will guide my sword.