mind

Full Surrender

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Years have passed as I have wasted my calling, still as the minutes now pass I feel how near I am drawing.

I draw closer now as I give up each second, as time divides I acknowledge my lesson.

I have learned through great cost what I ought not have done, In realizing this I now know why I run.

I face that what I’ve wasted was not my own, I wasted God’s time and so seeds went unsowm.

As the years passed I must have missed so many chances, to grow the kingdom, to change peoples stances.

O where did you place me, where did you allow my foot to land; I find no joy in those places now, I can barely stand.

So I fall to me knees as a new page is turned, I give it all up, I’d watch it all burn.


I was lost yet now I am found, this freedom of surrender rings a beautiful sound.

The sound of peace as silence abounds, my thoughts no longer overtake me, I stand on solid ground.

Anxiety flees, as does sin,  and shame; I give God my whole life and thus I’ll never be the same.

You can have it all, I want nothing more than to know, oh God grant me the wisdom I need to grow.

I don’t want another second wasted, certainly not a year, God please send me, I know it’s overdue but finally I am here.

I have arrived at the end of myself, fill my life with nothing but you, that will be my wealth.

From this point on seconds, hours, years, this path is God’s alone, I have shaken all fears.


No more reservations, no more fight, or flight, a new day is dawning, and I choose to see solely by the saviors light.

In each and every moment God I am yours, I fully surrender, and I will live by your word.

Psalm 40

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My God, do not delay, In this hear my anguish, hear me cry out, hear me pray.

I pray for haste, for persistence, I pray for wisdom, and deliverance.

Deliver me from myself oh Lord, as my flesh pulls me toward the mire, do not let me sink my God, set my feet somewhere higher.

Do not let me be lost to the desires that would drown me in damnation, I can’t allow myself to be stagnant so I return as a prodigal for the celebration.

I beg and cry for you not to delay, yet it is all I’ve done when I hear what you say.

You set my path, you plant my feet, yet I seek the mud, and I’m left in defeat.

My anxieties consume me, my prayers feel distant and weak, I feel you calling me, but I feel lower than meak.

Lately I question as often as I draw breath, am I sure of who I am, do I even have anything left?

I’m not sure what you want because I can’t even imagine how I would be used, I’ve fallen away so often that everything is bruised.

Ive played the fool as life has worn me down, but I want to find joy, I’m so tired of feeling like I’ll drown.

I dont want to panic, I want to catch my breath, I want to be of service, I want to give everything i have left.

So take it all God, I give it freely, if i never eat again I’ll still thank you that Im breathing.

I want to wake each morning with a heart that knows you are great, when the world is crashing around me it is then that I understand my fate.

My fate has been simple all along, it is in His hands, and in that trust is where I belong.

More simple than I ever imagined, more peaceful than my past could believe, in total surrender I have my reprieve.

Who am I that you would think of me, your deeds good and without measure it is in your presence that I find this pleasure.

Pleased with this peace, you are my God, you did not delay, you heard me cry out, and in that same moment I was saved.

Never to be Known

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She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.

She will never see the effect she had on me.

She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.

She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.

Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.

This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.

I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.

I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.

She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.

More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.

Words and Walls

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You say words can’t pierce through this wall? But what if I write words worthy of making Jericho fall?

Words divined by inspiration from the heavens, words that are overflowing with detailed expression.

I express the feelings that have lain deep and dormant down in my soul, I set them free rather than take control.

So, these are the words that flow from my heart to page, I write them so that I may set the stage.

I cast the parts and design the show, all for a vision of something that can grow.

The curtains come up, and the walls come down all is revealed to an audience that doesn’t make a sound.

On the soundless stage, something new takes place.

Amidst the rubble and dust, the protagonist plays their part, a performer of the heart.

The heart grows stronger and knows what it wants, and so these words can be more blunt.

Blunt and sudden with a booming bellowing voice, the show has started, and so the heart can make a choice.

Do words have the potential to pierce through walls and veils? Or is this another day that words could not prevail?

In one final petition I ask that the performer play their part well. With the world a stage, the heart can certainly leave its shell.

Distant Dreams

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Distant memories haunt me today, ones I thought I had put away.

I let go, I moved forward, I felt peace that lasted; yet now my dreams take me, and they don’t take me past it.

Instead, I am taken to the past, to a time when my dreams were more vivid, consumed by you once more, and so I must live it.

I live in that dream, the one that I don’t want to be defining, yet you’re here again… in my writing.

I write you away as I’ve done once before, the dream fades, and my heart no longer sways.

I let go again, and hope that better times are on their way, I let myself dream, but this time of better days.

We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.

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Unexpected Falls

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One last piece to work this all out before I just scream, before I just shout.

It’s built up and grown out, until it hit the peak, these feelings that blossomed making me both strong and weak.

I’ve felt so alive, I’ve felt so dead, a confusing connection that may have all been in my head.

I’ve fallen before, time and time again, and yet I didn’t expect this, didn’t mean to let you in.

The excuse of being open, but why was I open with her, some doors should stay closed no matter the allure.

But still I was so caught up, lost in the forest, consumed by the stars, I just wanted the opportunity to learn who you are.

Though I feel it wasn’t my place wrong time, wrong person, we are galaxies away.

I tried and I prayed yet still I feel I failed, why feel like this if our connection will only grow cold and stale.

Am I giving up or is it just not right, I’m not sure what I’m meant to do she gives me vision yet clouds my sight.

Never been so lost in the way I feel, but at the very least I know when I fell… that it was real.

There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed

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There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I  consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life. 

Tangible Love

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I want to explore the type of love that humans most seek out. I feel that we most often seek out a love that is most tangible to us. We want a love that we can run to, a love that we can feel, hear, and see. We want a love that can be proved because we are doubting insecure beings. We even often convince ourselves that we deserve someone’s love just because we gave love to them. The truth behind the tangible love we usually experience though is that it is inconsistent, it fails, and both people need to reciprocate the love for it to work.

The reason I’ve set out to explain our connection with this tangible love is so that I can explore why it is so difficult for us to seek earnestly the perfect love of God. The perfect love of God does not need to be reciprocated, it is given to us without question. God’s love is unfailing and always the same, which is why it can feel foreign and seems almost impossible that it could exist. God’s love often feels intangible, we cannot touch it, or prove it by the verbal affirmation we are used to receiving from people.

The love we receive from God is different, but it is better. We do not have to work for this love, it is there for us constantly, and the words of affirmation that we seek and feel that we don’t receive are hidden in pages in that book that collects dust on most of our shelves. Whenever one begins to feel separated from God it can often mean that they aren’t communicating with Him, and long distance relationships are always hard without communication, in fact any relationship is.

God’s way of communicating His love for us is best felt through digging into the scripture, the pages of the Bible are truly a love letter written for us. We expect to be able to connect with God and return His love when we will not even read the pages on which the Lord of all creation poured His very heart out on. Our father in Heaven gave us the perfect reminder of His love in the Bible, and the Bible is a tangible thing, we can feel it, we can see it, we can run to it, and while we may not necessarily be able to prove it all, that is where faith steps in. The success of our relationship with God is based solely on our faith and willingness to participate in the relationship.

God is already constantly putting in His half of the work, so when we don’t feel God’s love we must ask ourselves how we are disconnecting from Him. While God’s love for us is perfect the relationship itself is flawed if we are not putting in work as well. Not only are we disadvantaged by not reading the scripture but we are also held back if we do not take opportunities to tell God we love Him. I am sure many would say that they say they love the Lord but ask yourself when the last time was that you poured your heart out in worship or prayed a prayer that brought you to tears. How often do we with full sincerity while putting meaning behind our words tell God that we love Him?

In the Church, we often use the phrasing “God knows my heart”, but isn’t this just being lazy and avoiding the effort that we should be putting into our relationship with God. God may know what you want to say but if you do not pour your heart out earnestly you are doing yourself a disservice, not God. It is our hearts that seek out verbal affirmation and our hearts that not only need to hear it but need to feel like they are being heard as well. God is always listening but if we aren’t talking there is nothing that can be done for us.

So, my challenge for anyone who reads this post is to make your love relationship with God a tangible one, read your Bible, make it to Church, worship with full abandon, and make sure you are expressing your love to God in everything you do. Without love we have nothing, but if we can be in a true reciprocal tangible relationship with God then my friend, we have everything.

A Restless Mind

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Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping most nights. I’ve been sleeping 2-4 hours rather than the recommended 8, and it can feel completely exhausting. I’ve been waking up like a zombie and forcing my way through the day, I take it easy because I’m tired so i don’t spend too much time on anything i do not have to. I thought it was correct to relax when I was tired but yet somehow that only caused things to get worse, either by me taking a nap early in the day or by my mind just becoming restless.
A restless mind Is what I’ve discovered to be my largest problem with sleeping. I’ve found that if I don’t work my mind throughout the day by the time I lay in bed at night all of the thoughts are bound to swirl. When I dont take time during the day to step away from the screens, to try and think complex thoughts, or simply to challenge myself on new ideas my brain ends up restless. What this means for me is I lay there and think about that time 8 years ago when I said something awkward, I think about eternity, how much it scares me, i think about how it scares me to exist, but also more to not exist, and I think about all the time that I’ve wasted and it begins to feel terrifying to go to sleep. My thoughts shift from being tired to worrying about all the time I lose by going to sleep, all the things I’ll miss, as if anything interesting happens at 2 am.
At night my heart and my head fill with worry all because I don’t use my mind during the day. I walk through life allot of days as many people do, going through the motions until it’s time to climb back in bed. There is more to life however than going through the motions and my brain knows this which is why when I’ve finished a day without any real effort put in, my mind is restless and filled with anxiety. Im tired of anxiety, tired of my spiraling brain, but mostly im just tired of being tired. So this little thought is my brains workout for today, it isn’t much but it is a start. Im going to begin to give my brain more to work on throughout the day. I want to feel proud of the way I’ve spent my hours and I want to feel like I have spent enough energy to deserve rest. This is the beginning of the end for my restless mind, I intend to work harder, to discover new things, and to challenge myself more with each day to pass. Anxiety and worry will not have a foothold in my life, I am in control of my life.
Matthew 6:27 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?