me

Feeling Like Peter

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I have recently been finding my way back to serving God with more consistency, making sure to read my Bible, writing more, and ministering to others. For quite some time I had become stagnant in my faith, I had become still and lazy. Now I have discovered in myself a new found passion for serving my God. I have been able to remind myself of this deep and beautiful love connection that I have with God and how vital it is to my very existence.

I have been feeling better than ever but yesterday on my way to work I began to pray. When I started to pray it was a simple prayer like many others that I have prayed but as it went on I reached this point of talking to God about how much I had been pushing him aside lately and I found myself praying repeatedly, ” I love you Lord, I love you Lord”. In this moment I think I understood the Interaction between Peter and Jesus after Peter denied Jesus three times Jesus asked Peter, “do you love me”, three times and each time Peter replied yes but was hurt that Jesus had asked him 3 times. (John 21:15-17) I think Peter felt that Jesus was calling into question his love but I think that is far from the case. In this passage Jesus is helping Peter to reaffirm his love for Jesus and to forgive himself  for denying Christ.

Peter could have gone on feeling ashamed of what he had done, feeling like he no longer deserved to serve God. or to minister to others. Jesus freed Peter of his would be shackles though and told Peter, “feed my sheep”. Jesus in this passage says to Peter that what matters is that he loves Jesus and from that point continues to serve him. In each, “yes you know I love you Lord” Peter is given an opportunity to in a way apologize while reminding himself of his love of Jesus. Jesus knew that Peter would go onto Minister and do great things in the nations in the name of God, He knew that Peter’s story was not over yet. When I was repeating to God in my Prayer that I loved Him over and over it was not for His benefit but for my own. I in that moment of vulnerability had to apologize to God for each time that I had picked something else over Him, each time that I had pushed God aside, and reaffirm for myself that I truly deeply love God.

I have understood for but a moment how Peter must have felt, the need and sorrowful thirst for a forgiving unrelenting love. I found myself with tears in my eyes because with each, “I love you” that I prayed I could only hear the words, “I know”. In my sorrow that I had turned my back on the lover of my soul and healer of my heart I knew that I did not deserve open arms and a loving embrace but that is exactly what I was given. God looked on me with compassion and said that He knew all along I would return, I was never doubted for a second, God was waiting with arms stretched wide. Now in my heart I cannot believe that I let the love letter from my God gain even one speck of dust, I hold my Bible tight and know that my story is not over. From this point on I will continue to serve God in many ways. A great path is set before me and I am beyond excited for each step that I will take.

 

Fading Lights

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  I am awake and lost in thought, thinking about the way she smiles, thinking that I haven’t seen her in a while.
   What an inspiration she should be but i’m too afraid to let those emotions in, too afraid to let my heart win.
   I see her and she is shining brilliance, I swear I can see her soul, and its too beautiful for me to keep control.
   I’ve only spoken to her briefly, but I want to talk with her for hours on end, I wish I could get closer even just become a friend.
   I don’t see myself as worthy, i don’t see how I could deserve one such as her, but still the light in her eyes sets my heart a-stir.
   I’m lost in this light that shines brighter than anything else in the room, like a moth to a flame, this joy could be my doom.
  I miss her, my soul cries out for the connection it felt… it doesn’t seem right I barely know her, but even so my emotions can’t be helped.
   It is as if I see in her the reprieve to all the darkness I’ve known in this world, in her I see hope, I see beauty, I see an end to sorrow, in her I truly can see my tomorrow.
   Ive barely scratched the surface and I want to know more but instead I stay still, not making a move, because if I do I could lose this small joy I have that just seeing her face makes me feel like I have nothing to lose.
   What a foolish heart I have that I’ve become so enthralled by a girl, I  haven’t seen her in a while…yet she is the person I would want to hear from most in this world.

A Letter From My Heart “Not Again”

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   Not again, you can’t possibly do this to us again we have learned our lesson it has to end.
   I have so many scars I don’t even look like me anymore, how could you risk me like this, how could you put me in danger it’s just a girl she is practically a stranger.
   I don’t see how you can act this way, after all we have been through after all the tears, you still think I have the capacity for love… after all of these years?
   I thought we had reached an understanding, I thought you shut me off, I was resting and now suddenly I’m beating once more, and what is it all for how can she be worth it… I’m just far too sore.
   I am trying so hard but you just keep pushing, I keep telling you too give up before it is too late, but still you try and you tell me that It’s fate.
   How can you be such a fool, I am so broken, if this goes wrong there is no way that I will survive, please just stop and think about my life.
   So, she might be your muse, it has happened before, you act like it means something just because she brings us joy does not mean she won’t break us at our very core!
   You are so lost in her eyes you can’t even think straight, she could kill us, how is that for fate?
   I just don’t get why I had to belong to you, you love too easily, and you’ve broken me all the way through.
   I hope you will just listen because I’m saying this as a friend, I want us to live, we do not have anything left to give.
   I don’t think you can hear me right now, mainly because she just smiled again, I know because I’m beating faster, and yes it feels good but at what price… I… I am caught in a vise.
   I can’t deny that I want to love again, I feel a spark when you look at her, but still this fire could die and then what, will you just leave me to fry?
   I know you want this and partly I do too but just listen to me, you can’t do this… it will probably all be in vain, just please I’m begging you now, not again…

We, The Beloved Tools

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 Even the sparrows, are not forgotten… and some how I am worth more how can God love me, it must be such a chore.

   God is our master, and we are His tools we must stay maintained so His work can be done yet we let ourselves rust, for some simple fun.

   O God my soul does cry where is my value how is it so high?

   Then i realize that this body and soul do not belong to me, I belong to the Lord and in that I am set free.

   I need not worry, I need only keep faith God’s good works in me will always keep me safe.

   I am alive and I am well, I shout because my soul is on fire, my cup overflows because of a God who is higher.

   My God guides my pen, He surely guides each stroke, I could never write so beautifully if it wasn’t for what He invokes.

    My God is so good, I can never say that enough He is so awesome, I’m in awe, at a loss for words.

    Not having, the words, one would think that I would stop but, surely I will not.

   My words will come from God now instead of being my own, so take heart that they will preach the Gospel and help others to atone.

   My words are better than they’ve been in the past for they are not my own, that is why they will last.

   O what joy I find in the work of my Lord, what I pray for He gives better than what I asked, and in me…me His love is stored.

   O what a tool I can be if I examine and sharpen myself, I ask God for more opportunities to share what’s in that great book opon my shelf.

   O what a joy I have found in this Savior I know, that others would know Him is my hearts truest hope.

   I was made in that secret place to be better than what I am so, I improve each day seeking to be a better man.

   I pray with persistence that my God can be seen by all who need him, seven billion is a big number to feed.

   I come to God with loaf and fish He Multiplies and sends me to serve all in the world this very blessed dish.

   My God still saves, and performs miracles daily, we often don’t see them becsuse we refuse to look faithfully.

   This world is in need and we are the tools of the great carpenter so, lets build together with carefully placed words, like a philosopher.

   I seek today and tomorrow to do Gods work for whomever I meet is worth more than many sparrows so, I try to fly straight, straight like an arrow.

   I claim today to be Gods day to move, I intend to follow Him who loves me so deelpy, won’t you too?

Today

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Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV

Some Thoughts and A Poem

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I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.

My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.

Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.

“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”

There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!

The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.

The boy was plagued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.

The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.

The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.

The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage disappeared.

The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.

This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.

From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constantly molding and strengthening a stone.

Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.

This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.

To See The Sound Of A Soul

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Return to me now, oh my dear sweet light, let my soul be set ablaze again, return to me my sight.

   I see once more, like I never have before, the whole world has opened up,  and I am excited to see what’s in store.

   I have found this light, that I once had lost,  now that it has returned I’m trying desperately to find the right words,  but alas, I am at a loss.

   The multitude of emotions I feel welling inside of me like a spring or a geyser ready to burst, I don’t feel like I can capture it, so my soul it thirsts.

   My soul thirsts for true expression, to let every cry of my heart run rampant upon this page, I am an performer, and these letters are my stage.

   So I will watch each movement carefully articulating each line, for I want to get my point across  because I know it must be something divine.

   I am completely lost, but somehow I feel that I am finally found, I do not know what to write so I close my eyes and listen for a sound.

   The sound I’m looking for? Its the sound of inspiration,  the sound of first love, the sound of faith, the sound of sorrow,  the sound of elation.

   All these sounds how can I hear them all, the colors they paint on this page, each are different then the last, but still I can feel each one as though they still hold fast.

   My heart seems equivalent to the waves, I’m sure I can hear it crashing against the shore, it moves unpredictably, but still I want to hear more.

   Any moment I feel that I could drown in my own sorrows, but when I rise above the waves… I see the sunrise on the water and I know that I need to stay.

   This passion I feel, I will express it soon enough, but for now this will have to do, though it may sound rough.

   I have found my light and I hear my sound, and though I may get lost in the waves, I will stand my ground.

Eyes That Ignite

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   Give flight to my soul, this beauty that I have known.

   You’re lost to me I know for you are far in my past, still your eyes call to me igniting a fire that lasts.

   You’re more than I could deserve so I dare not even attempt, you’re everything I could desire, my heart is spent.

   This angel’s grace that I see surround you astounds me in it’s depths, the words you speak, the song you sing, it is such a sweet sound to seek.

   Such beauty in  a woman with deep spiritual strength, I long for such a person to hold but still It cannot be so.

   Ill admire you from a far for I know to have you is not my place, so I’ll be thankful just to have known you, just to have seen your face.

My Foolish Heart

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I can feel my foolish heart returning to normal. Now, for the first time in a long time, I write. I write not with force or simple desire but because it is the longing of my soul to do so. Now as I ease myself off of my depression medication I am reminded of all the emotions I once felt so strongly. I am returning to who I truly am. Though, I am thankful that my medication aided me in a time where I no longer could stand the perils of my own mind as it fought to destroy its very vessle. Now I can look at myself once more and feel again. I truly see the world in a new light once more. My foolish heart is free from the chains that have bound it. I look back in thanks that I was saved from my own self, but also in sorrow that I lost myself along the way. I strive to go forward now, to listen, and take on every cry that my heart will shout out. Today is the day, I am free and finally I am well. I praise God for it all. My future is bright with the light of a soul that is truly on fire.

Drained of Color

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Lately I’ve found myself in a rut that I’m unsure how to get out of. I’ve been getting caught up with all the trivialities of life. I have been focusing on anything and everything but my writing. I find it hard right now to find inspiration, everything just seems so bland. My soul cries out tonight for a change of pace. I hope to see the colors of this grey sky change soon.