me
The Reason for Repetition
A repeating story that I no longer want to hear, and yet it forces it’s way past my defenses, booming in my ears.
I see you clear as the day, though I cant speak the words that I truly want to say.
These words will be trapped and soon this too shall pass, and yet I didn’t want to let this one go; you reached into me… set a fire within my soul.
You set me ablaze and reminded me of the beauty this world has to give, It is partially because of you that I once again live.
I see what you’ve given me and try to just be thankful for what this has been, but I cant help wanting more, can’t help wanting to be let in.
I want to be let in to your life, to truly know you beyond just what I can write.
Because I can explain the you that I see with all the words I know, but it isn’t enough, I need to know how and why you glow.
You glow with a light that has brought color back into my days, I can’t help but smile when I have the opportunity to meet your gaze.
I have tried to meet it as often as I can, for I know it is fleeting, and soon I am unlikely to meet that gaze again.
Because soon you will leave without me ever having tried, and I cant help mourning the inspiration that will have died.
You have done for my words what none have been able to before, you’ve affected me, and changed me, changed me at my core.
So of course I want more, of course this ballad repeats, I want to be closer to the fire that is you, I want to be warmed by your heat.
The Distance in the Stars
Why are these feelings permitted to well up inside, when did I allow this, why can’t I just hide.
Why does it chase me, why must I feel like this, hopelessly enamored, unprepared for the end to this bliss.
Our connection fades as I’ve just begun to fall, why is it you, and why is my attraction not my call.
I’ve fallen, I’m hopeless, completely caught up in your presence, you awoke a fire inside me where once my inspiration was deadened.
I had reached a place where I no longer knew if I could write, and yet you restored me, blind but given sight.
And what a feeling it is to once again see, for to take you in is everything to me.
So much to say with so little space on a page, to say who you are I could sit and write for days.
And yet I know I’ve only begun to explore, I see you at your surface, but I yearn to know more.
I thirst in a drought to know who you truly are, stuck on earth looking at the twinkle of a blazing star.
The fire you create, the warmth you exude, you are the sun of my galaxy and I am hopeless in my orbit of you.
The Days Are Made of Mountains
Today feels like a haze and I don’t know why, I’m pushing, I’m fighting, and I won’t cease to try.
Yet today I feel slow, today I feel like I’m letting go.
My goals are meaningful but today I’m losing hope, I’ve been coming out of the valley, but it is such a steep slope.
I climb and I climb, but my hands are slipping, my feet lose their hold and so I’m gripping.
Grabbing hold for dear life, that fact that life is more dear should certainly suffice.
For there once was a time that life didn’t have worth, I couldn’t see the why, I couldn’t see the possibility for rebirth.
And yet here I stand atop a ledge reaching for that one hand.
The hand of He who has always been by my side, carried me when I fell, comforted me when I cried.
My tears they had purpose, so did my sweat and blood; I fight this fight no matter how deep I sink into the mud.
I am here, I am alive, and so I blow away the haze; I strive for good reason, I will reach better days.
Let it Go With The Rain
Sorrow and set back… today my words may not succeed, but I guess we can only find out as I create more words for you to read.
Words don’t feel enough to fix the things I feel, I step out of myself, I am no longer real.
Lost to the void that consumes all reasoning, my lungs devoid of air no ability to speak or sing.
And so I write as there is no other way for my words to arise, I sharpen them as a sword cutting down the lies.
The lies that are spoken are all within my own head, I create a path for myself, it is here that I tread.
Though I do not tread lightly, I let each step be heard, louder and louder until it’s a drum beat that sounds of a herd.
My heart it beats with the sound of many hooves, I am here, I am alive, my words have done all they could.
And so I take control, I grip onto my own pain, I feel peace and truth take over washing me clean in the rain.
There Was More Joy In My Life When I Was Depressed
There was more joy in my life when I was depressed. This thought came across my head today, and although it be sad, it is also true. When I was depressed I didn’t complain about the little things because there were bigger things that concerned me. When I was depressed I always looked for and saw the light, because I had to in order to survive. Most importantly the change that defines the difference between me now and when I was depressed is how much I relied on God. In every waking moment of my life I relied on and thought about God. God was a constant when I was depressed because I consistently felt like I needed Him, God was keeping me on my feet. I loved God deeply and was devoted to Him absolutely. So the question is, what now has changed? When I was depressed I had a constant reminder of what God was doing for me and of my absolute dependence on Him. On the other side of depression being freed from the chains that once held me down I have often found myself turning from God and trying to rely on other things, I forget God because I don’t feel like I consistently need Him. This is not to say that I do not still pray daily and read my Bible, but it is to say that I am not praying as fervently as I should nor reading my Bible as often as I should. It breaks my heart because most days I really do not know how to fix it. I sometimes as strange as it may sound miss the days of my depression, because in those days God was always my first thought and I never felt like He was not around. In many of my darkest moments I felt more of the holy spirit than I have ever felt in any other time. Now I often feels like the spirit is distant from me. Life has gotten so busy and while I take the time for many of my hobbies and simple things I do not find myself giving nearly enough time to God. I find my self most days lacking any passion at all, no inspiration to write, but when I was depressed poems flowed out of me at a constant rushing pace. In my depression there was so much to write, so many acts of God to be thankful for, and so many lights that had been revealed. Even though my depression died off, it feels like part of me died off with it that I am fighting so hard to regain. I am so far behind where I would like to be, because of the depression I am having to catch up. Lately I have become so lost in trying to catch up that I have forgotten to be thankful, joyful, and seek out the light that every day has to offer. This light that I keep speaking of is every moment in our life that stands out and puts a true smile on our face. The light in each day are those moments with your family that we should all cherish much more, the moments with friends where inside jokes are created, the moments where we stop to breathe and see the world that God has created, and the moments where we feel truly at peace. I have not felt much peace recently, but I have not necessarily felt turmoil either. There is a stillness inside of me that is causing me to grow lukewarm. I am neither committed to God nor abandoning Him. I have become almost completely still, and because of this I am almost completely devoid of joy. I have not been feeling joy because I have not been investing myself in things that would bring me joy. I have not been writing enough, reading enough, or praying enough. Most of my time with God has shifted into a task that I am good at completing rather than a moment of clarity that fills me with joy and peace. I have somehow forgotten about God while still keeping Him in my every day life. Even now God feels just out of reach, but I think this is for good reason. If I were to still feel God as I did before, I would not be so upset now, and I would not feel the need to make a change. I do not want my depression back, but I do want back the devotion I once had. It will not be as easy as things once were to be devoted and inspired. Life is busy now, and it is not easy, but all that means is that I will have to look harder for the light. I will seek God earnestly and remind myself daily that my devotion and commitment to God should be my foremost thought every day. It is true that I had more joy when I was depressed, but that was then and this is now. Each day is a new day, and with each day comes new joys to compile. Keeping joy within one’s life is a constant effort, and not an easy one at that. I am still going to be making the effort though, as hard as it may be. I will work until my joy returns stronger and better than before. I will not return to who I was, but i will become better, I will seek God in my every breath and I will do my best not to let myself forget Him anymore. I commit myself to not be still and not be lukewarm. I commit myself to finding true and constant joy, one outside of the depression that once dictated my life.
Tangible Love
I want to explore the type of love that humans most seek out. I feel that we most often seek out a love that is most tangible to us. We want a love that we can run to, a love that we can feel, hear, and see. We want a love that can be proved because we are doubting insecure beings. We even often convince ourselves that we deserve someone’s love just because we gave love to them. The truth behind the tangible love we usually experience though is that it is inconsistent, it fails, and both people need to reciprocate the love for it to work.
The reason I’ve set out to explain our connection with this tangible love is so that I can explore why it is so difficult for us to seek earnestly the perfect love of God. The perfect love of God does not need to be reciprocated, it is given to us without question. God’s love is unfailing and always the same, which is why it can feel foreign and seems almost impossible that it could exist. God’s love often feels intangible, we cannot touch it, or prove it by the verbal affirmation we are used to receiving from people.
The love we receive from God is different, but it is better. We do not have to work for this love, it is there for us constantly, and the words of affirmation that we seek and feel that we don’t receive are hidden in pages in that book that collects dust on most of our shelves. Whenever one begins to feel separated from God it can often mean that they aren’t communicating with Him, and long distance relationships are always hard without communication, in fact any relationship is.
God’s way of communicating His love for us is best felt through digging into the scripture, the pages of the Bible are truly a love letter written for us. We expect to be able to connect with God and return His love when we will not even read the pages on which the Lord of all creation poured His very heart out on. Our father in Heaven gave us the perfect reminder of His love in the Bible, and the Bible is a tangible thing, we can feel it, we can see it, we can run to it, and while we may not necessarily be able to prove it all, that is where faith steps in. The success of our relationship with God is based solely on our faith and willingness to participate in the relationship.
God is already constantly putting in His half of the work, so when we don’t feel God’s love we must ask ourselves how we are disconnecting from Him. While God’s love for us is perfect the relationship itself is flawed if we are not putting in work as well. Not only are we disadvantaged by not reading the scripture but we are also held back if we do not take opportunities to tell God we love Him. I am sure many would say that they say they love the Lord but ask yourself when the last time was that you poured your heart out in worship or prayed a prayer that brought you to tears. How often do we with full sincerity while putting meaning behind our words tell God that we love Him?
In the Church, we often use the phrasing “God knows my heart”, but isn’t this just being lazy and avoiding the effort that we should be putting into our relationship with God. God may know what you want to say but if you do not pour your heart out earnestly you are doing yourself a disservice, not God. It is our hearts that seek out verbal affirmation and our hearts that not only need to hear it but need to feel like they are being heard as well. God is always listening but if we aren’t talking there is nothing that can be done for us.
So, my challenge for anyone who reads this post is to make your love relationship with God a tangible one, read your Bible, make it to Church, worship with full abandon, and make sure you are expressing your love to God in everything you do. Without love we have nothing, but if we can be in a true reciprocal tangible relationship with God then my friend, we have everything.
A Restless Mind
Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping most nights. I’ve been sleeping 2-4 hours rather than the recommended 8, and it can feel completely exhausting. I’ve been waking up like a zombie and forcing my way through the day, I take it easy because I’m tired so i don’t spend too much time on anything i do not have to. I thought it was correct to relax when I was tired but yet somehow that only caused things to get worse, either by me taking a nap early in the day or by my mind just becoming restless.
A restless mind Is what I’ve discovered to be my largest problem with sleeping. I’ve found that if I don’t work my mind throughout the day by the time I lay in bed at night all of the thoughts are bound to swirl. When I dont take time during the day to step away from the screens, to try and think complex thoughts, or simply to challenge myself on new ideas my brain ends up restless. What this means for me is I lay there and think about that time 8 years ago when I said something awkward, I think about eternity, how much it scares me, i think about how it scares me to exist, but also more to not exist, and I think about all the time that I’ve wasted and it begins to feel terrifying to go to sleep. My thoughts shift from being tired to worrying about all the time I lose by going to sleep, all the things I’ll miss, as if anything interesting happens at 2 am.
At night my heart and my head fill with worry all because I don’t use my mind during the day. I walk through life allot of days as many people do, going through the motions until it’s time to climb back in bed. There is more to life however than going through the motions and my brain knows this which is why when I’ve finished a day without any real effort put in, my mind is restless and filled with anxiety. Im tired of anxiety, tired of my spiraling brain, but mostly im just tired of being tired. So this little thought is my brains workout for today, it isn’t much but it is a start. Im going to begin to give my brain more to work on throughout the day. I want to feel proud of the way I’ve spent my hours and I want to feel like I have spent enough energy to deserve rest. This is the beginning of the end for my restless mind, I intend to work harder, to discover new things, and to challenge myself more with each day to pass. Anxiety and worry will not have a foothold in my life, I am in control of my life.
Matthew 6:27 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
My Favorite Sound
This feeling must be one that I long ago had lost, a heat rising up within me melting off the frost.
I feel new, I feel free, by something as simple as this, that smile it overtakes me and I am filled with sweet bliss.
My heart bubbling up as I hang on to each word that she speaks, it is a feeling so abrasive I feel like it should stop but still that is not what I seek.
I want more of her smiles, more of her words, in a greedy disposition I just want more, oh how just looking at her makes my heart soar.
I cannot explain it but I also don’t feel the need, oh what beauty that I have found, and now this voice is my favorite sound.
Confidence Through Christ
There was once a time in my life when I carried myself as if I believed I would be somebody, as if I believed in Gods plan for me. At some point down the road I forgot who I was, I let the world overtake me and became complacent. At some point I subconsciously decided that my shortcomings and my failures were bigger than Gods plan for me. I used to carry myself like a man who believed he could change the world with God by his his side. At some point I became a man who had more fear than confidence, a man who had lost his way. It is time that I begin to carry myself with some confidence again, confidence in myself, in God, and in His plan. I need to begin to carry myself in a way befitting of the glorious plan God has for me. I will base my confidence on He who is unfailing so that my confidence cannot fail. I am a man of God made to serve Him, and I will do great things for my God.
2 Corinthians 3:3-6 NIV
You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
Tales of Dylan 