I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.
My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.
Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.
But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.
So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.
I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.
I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.
In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.
I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.
Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.
I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.
Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.
This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.
I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.
On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.
Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.
I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.
Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.
I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.
I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.
inspiration
Loss is Gain
A geyser of gratitude overflows from my soul, it is well because I’ve given God control.
A change in my life that is out of my hands, and yet I am at peace, and I still stand.
I praise God for these moments, I praise Him for this growth, He’s not done with me, and so I make another oath.
I swear to my Lord that I will use these emotions. They well up inside and crash like the ocean.
These waves crash on a door that has now been broken down, let the sea empty out, and all anxiety drown.
I find peace in an ending, maybe because it’s one I expected, even if it’s not one I necessarily elected.
I put in effort, and I feel thankful for what I received, I learned about another soul, and I could ask for no more relief.
There was beauty in the brevity of these beautiful days, and so I let God guide the beauty into words that will stay.
People come and go, but their impact remains, I rest in this peace knowing what I’ve gained.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Divided Attention
Can I see the forest for the trees? No, I am lost in the forest. It looks like the sea.
A sea of trees deep in the autumnal season, having lost all their leafs.
And through the bare branches, it is sun, shimmering on sap that sits and shines even when the day is done.
Because the night is not enough to take away this light.
The moon shines through the branches all the same, with starlight a fire flickers that does not burn, that does not maim.
Deep and unyielding, a sea of brown with flecks of silver and gold, the forest is alight, a story that is new yet old.
It is not that I see love in these trees. It is just that I am thankful that for a moment, they shined their light on me.
Distant Dreams
Distant memories haunt me today, ones I thought I had put away.
I let go, I moved forward, I felt peace that lasted; yet now my dreams take me, and they don’t take me past it.
Instead, I am taken to the past, to a time when my dreams were more vivid, consumed by you once more, and so I must live it.
I live in that dream, the one that I don’t want to be defining, yet you’re here again… in my writing.
I write you away as I’ve done once before, the dream fades, and my heart no longer sways.
I let go again, and hope that better times are on their way, I let myself dream, but this time of better days.
We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.
The Meaning is Life
Life is not miserable, life in itself has deep and impactful worth. For too long I have allowed cynicism to slowly creep up around and overtake me, but once again I am given light from an unlikely place. I look to a fantasy book and I hear a message I’ve needed without knowing it. I had convinced myself that because this world feels so unredeemable, life feels so pitiless, and pain after pain follow my family and I that life had no worth beyond just making it faithfully to the end. I tucked my head in and was not depressed but I was not alive either! I died to myself and chose willingly to walk a path that was shallow and pointless saying that if I ignore the pain or injustice then I won’t have to feel it. And yet I have felt it these pains are all too real, they persist, but they are worth it. So, from two of the most unlikely places, I contrive for myself and ideally for others a meaning for these lives that we lead.
The first place from which I take this inspiration is from “Attack on Titan” from the speech by Erwin he states, “We all die. But does that mean our lives are meaningless? Does that mean that there was no point in our being born? Would you say that of our slain comrades? What about their lives? Were they meaningless?… They were not! Their memory serves as an example to us all! The courageous fallen! The anguished fallen! Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them! And as we ride to certain death, we trust our successors to do the same for us! Because my soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world! My soldiers push forward! My soldiers scream out! My soldier’s Rage!”. Each of these lines hold great value to the points I aim to make about life and why we live it even in spite of the suffering, pain, and difficulty we face. “Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them”, Not only do our own lives have meaning because of the hearts we live on in even in death but the impact our each and every choice is able to make on others means that all lives have meaning and hold weight. “My soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world!”, I consider myself a servant of Christ, and would hope that this statement would be able to be said for my service to God. And so, though the cruelty of this world feels insurmountable I stand, I do not buckle, I do not yield, even more so I live!
And yet one might ask what is the purpose of this path if it is filled with pain, what difference is the life you live if we all end in death the same as those before us. Of course, I believe in life after death but that does not give me an excuse to hurry it along nor does it make this life not worth living. The source that truly made me realize this was I feel just as unlikely “The Way of Kings” by Brandon Sanderson. Throughout this book a guiding mantra is set out that nagged at me until at the end of the book it fully set in and took hold of me causing me to write these feelings out. The quote is as follows. “Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.”. These words along with the surrounding text made me come to realize that the path itself is what I should aspire to live. In conjunction with the quotes from “Attack on Titan” I come to this point, we all die, rich, poor, beautiful, pitiful, loved, or lost in sorrow. We all die, but I would argue that almost certainly we do not all live. So, how do we live? We live by guiding principles, we do not focus on the death or the end we put life before death, strength before weakness, and journey before destination. Because we can not focus on the destination before us without fist focusing on how we get there. I believe that I aim to one day stand before God and have Him tell me “Well done my good and faithful servant, you have run your race well”, or at least something along those lines. And Yet I do not know if I have even reached the starting line of the race I am meant to run. I have stumbled, I have fallen, I have tripped over my own two feet time and time again. Even still God places inspiration in my path to show me the way no matter where I am.
So, I ask of any who would read this these things. Do you see your journey for what it is, do you understand that you have purpose, do you see your value, do you believe your journey is worth taking on. If you do not, I challenge you to reevaluate see your life for something more be strong before you are weak, but your journey before the destination, but most importantly put your life before your death. We are not just on a path to die, we wake each day to add value to all those around us, not just those we love. I challenge you to see that value in yourself, believe it to be real and strive to put better into the world. Each day is new and we have a chance for both self-betterment and to better the world around us. Life is difficult, sometimes it feels unbearable, but I promise with all that I am that it is worth baring, and that someone does care for you. I believe certainly that God cares for you but if that is not enough for you yet know that I do as well, even if I do not know you, I do. All human life is priceless. And yet something even more priceless was traded for us. The pain and love of my God was placed upon a cross and for me that makes my path clear. No matter the burden I put the destination far from my mind, I focus on my path, I do not see death in my future, for now I only see the life that I lead. I do not buckle, I do not yield, death has no grip on me, and so through finally truly living I am free.
Self Accommodation
I finally find love where it always should have been, for myself, within myself, and all it took was for my heart to break and bend.
It bent to a place I would think is beyond repair, yet here I am lined with gold, overcoming all I’ve had to bare.
So I find this love, one that alluded me for so long, I make it mine, I let it make me strong.
I let this love blossom and bloom, within me is a new heart, one with space for me, one that has room.
I have room for others but I finally first and foremost accommodated myself, and in this I find a peace like nothing else.
Inspiration Strikes
This world is no longer meant for people who write, there’s no time to put pen to page when inspiration strikes.
Inspiration doesn’t take priority, it isn’t even on the list, we are busier then we’ve ever been, and there’s so much that we’ve missed.
So many words gone that could have brought beauty to all those who would read, but we had to go to work had to kill that seed.
So many seeds that will never grow because inspiration strikes like lightning, yet we run from it, we stay busy, and to me that’s frightening.
Why don’t we pay more heed to the beating of our heart, the expression of our soul, or a new days start.
Because each day is new and there are new words to share, yet instead we stay busy and forget to ever care.
We forget to care about beauty, love, and life, we go through the motions and push through our strife.
But today I stop, I give time to my words, they are precious and meaningful; they are meant to be heard.
So I take time today, I carve it out with a knife, my words will bleed out onto this page to prove that I’m alive.
Heavy Hearted
How can I be comfortable carrying the weight of this heart of mine, how do I carry it each day, how do I face time.
Time adds weight because my heart only grows, so much to give with nowhere for it to go.
Yet there are places for my heart to give, people to reach, a new way to live.
To fulfill myself is to live my life through love, I will give myself with every life I touch.
Myself is enough so I give it freely, self sacrifice is my gift so I’ll give it daily.
Love is beautiful because of everywhere it can apply, it does not require romance and it fights through all lies.
The lies of this world are easy to breach if you’re comfortable with a heavy heart, and you’re willing to seek.
A heavy heart is not a curse, for its weight has meaning, and through that weight you find your being.
My heart tells its story, the story of its weight, it is heavy, but it is strong, that is its fate.
Tales of Dylan 