I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushes me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, YouTube it, Instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionate fury die and I will try once more to sleep.
Insomnia
My Deepest Fear
I’m a blunt person, I generally believe in absolute honesty and feel that i have nothing worth hiding. We are all humans, we all have our problems and flaws. No matter what we face as people each day there is nothing new under the sun, I feel that there’s no point in me keeping quiet of something I struggle with because if I do then how will i ever receive an opportunity to help others in the same boat. Now that my introductory rambling on is finished with I can arrive at the true topic of discussion, my deepest fear. A few weeks or so back a friend asked me what my deepest fear was, as to others who have asked before I answered in the same manor, bluntly and honestly, my deepest fear is that one day my depression will win and I will simply end my own life. Do not, however take this statement the wrong way I am not nor have I ever been truly suicidal. I do have a fear though that my depression is stronger that what it lets off and that one day it will give it all it has to take me. Fears are often irrational and I don’t believe this one is an exception, I don’t believe I would ever reach that point nor do I believe that even at my darkest times I would be able to ignore the presence of God in my life or the consequences that my following actions could have on my eternity. My fear is irrational and ironically keeps me strong for my fear does not always exist but instead only exists when I am lost within the dark confines of my own mind. My fear of losing to my depression only appears when a battle arises, and when that fear arises I fight even harder. Death will not take my body until the Lord calls me Himself to everlasting life. It may be hard and at time feel lonely and hopeless but I have work to do and it starts by defeating my deepest fear every time it shows its face. There is hope and there is light that will always exist, Jesus Christ will guide my sword.
How I Fight My Battles
I need to write like i need to breathe, it is oxygen to my lungs when my depression acts as the deep vacuum of space. My writing whether it be poetry or my thoughts on matters of life makes sense to me things about myself i didn’t even understand before. My poetry often allots me the words to describe that which I did not know how to explain. The emotions of turmoil, joy, helplessness, and pure happiness all of these things fight with each other to be the subject of my thoughts. Often times in my poems one can even see the battle as it is waged when my poem starts depressing and leads to joy in the end. I firmly believe every tunnel has light at the end my writing is a way of forcing myself to the end of that tunnel. When one feels depression its strange, it grips a hold of you and wraps you up nice and warm, depression as I’ve stated before always feels familiar. The reason I bring up the familiarity of depression is this, when one gets comfortable with depression it looks less threatening, its tempting to let it hold you in it’s chilling grasp, to let it lead you into the deepest pits of despair. My writing forces a knife down on the wire that ties me to sadness and reminds me immediately of Gods love for me. My way of escaping the pain is to write but there are many other ways, find whatever allows you to hear the voice of God, whatever your blessed with, whatever you’re talented at, that is where you will find your reprieve. The darkness cannot consume you if you radiate with light, so stay passionate my friends, and let the Holy Spirit flow through you like blood through your veins, depression is a war that can be won.
Even the Past Must Move On
I find these old memories lost in the shadows of my mind, I didn’t think they’d be back, but now I’m under attack.
Nostalgia and déjà vu, all at once when i see a picture of you.
What am I to do with this information that I’ve found, that my heart still seeks you, and your voice…I am deafened by the sound.
I know not what to do with these emotions with which I’ve been struck, I can not move, I am simply stuck.
Every word i read, every picture i see, all I feel are painful memories.
I speak not of a girl or even of a friend, but simply the past which seems better than this present tense.
That’s the thing about the past, you get to pick and choose what you see but much of it was costly, not all joyful and free.
I long for the past for it held simpler times, chasing a brown eyed girl and writing simpler rhymes.
I’ve reached a point that I just long for something more, something beyond my depression, something to make my soul soar.
I look to the past, present, and future for the one thing that remained constant, Yahweh, my God I worship your presence.
So, now I look not to the past, but instead to the present for each step I take will not be woefully spent.
Nostalgia is lovely, but not to be taken fully to heart the memories I’ve made are in the past, and each day is a new start.
The Winds of My Mind
I have a deep and painful wound, the bleeding will not stop; it cuts deep into my mind and makes it wither like a long dead crop.
My fields are often watered, flowers do bloom, but the weeds they eat away at all of my produce, refusing to let it stay.
So, I sway… in the wind, I let it blow through my hair, the wind that I feel shows me that someone truly cares.
I am filled with so much emotion, some of it even rage, nothing feels right, everything feels strange.
The wind that blows across my land, flows over my wound and through my crops, everything comes alive, all it took was wind…to make the bleeding stop.
In The Fall
I will forever be in love with those ever changing eyes, that green and gold twisting vortex of leaves, that showed itself… to me.
I come to understand that your eyes foretold a warning in the way they changed like the fall, you were changing as well, that’s how I lost it all.
Now I sit in the fall wondering where you’ve gone, I remember it all, staying up talking from dusk till the dawn.
The way the sun rose when it rose upon your face was the most beautiful sight I’ve seen, it’s been so hard to try and replace.
I keep searching for answers, but the answers don’t come, i made you more than my world, you were the center of me…my very sun.
Nature is the only way i could ever think to explain you, so i do it once more, hoping to understand, how did i lose you…and when did i become such a broken man.
I still have my God, that much i know but i could swear i felt something pure and true between our two souls; I lost you, and in that i lost control.
Now that I’ve recovered and picked myself back up, i still feel it all deep within my heart; Ill try to ignore it at least for now, but the thoughts always come back and that is why i feel… like my heart is under attack.
So i fight through this storm and embrace the change in weather, for this fall is one that will do nothing but sever.
5:30 Am
I lie here awake at 5:30 in the morning, not because I’m up early to be a productive member of society but because i haven’t yet slept. I was tired at 10 pm, completely prepared to go to sleep but my insomnia or perhaps just sheer stupidity kept me up. Rather than sleeping throughout my nights I often binge watch a new show and play outdated apps on my phone that I don’t even think i have fun with. I suppose I’ll do anything to numb my mind, to forget the things in the world around me that would cause me to despair. A little overly dramatic right? Truthfully though this is partially how i feel my body fights against my mind for a war of whether i should sleep or not. Its usually not until iv’e plagued my brain with far too many hours of useless activity and it then becomes tired along with my body. Now to get to the sleep part, I finally fall asleep but when I do I can sleep for 12 hours if I don’t force myself up because I’ve exhausted myself completely. Once i awake most of my day is gone so I briskly go through what part of my day i have left… then it starts all over.
Tales of Dylan 