Insomnia

Never to be Known

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She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.

She will never see the effect she had on me.

She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.

She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.

Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.

This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.

I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.

I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.

She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.

More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.

Divided Attention

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Can I see the forest for the trees? No, I am lost in the forest. It looks like the sea.

A sea of trees deep in the autumnal season, having lost all their leafs.

And through the bare branches, it is sun, shimmering on sap that sits and shines even when the day is done.

Because the night is not enough to take away this light.

The moon shines through the branches all the same, with starlight a fire flickers that does not burn, that does not maim.

Deep and unyielding, a sea of brown with flecks of silver and gold, the forest is alight, a story that is new yet old.

It is not that I see love in these trees. It is just that I am thankful that for a moment, they shined their light on me. 

Distant Dreams

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Distant memories haunt me today, ones I thought I had put away.

I let go, I moved forward, I felt peace that lasted; yet now my dreams take me, and they don’t take me past it.

Instead, I am taken to the past, to a time when my dreams were more vivid, consumed by you once more, and so I must live it.

I live in that dream, the one that I don’t want to be defining, yet you’re here again… in my writing.

I write you away as I’ve done once before, the dream fades, and my heart no longer sways.

I let go again, and hope that better times are on their way, I let myself dream, but this time of better days.

We are all boulders sitting in the bed of an ever flowing river barley moving as we watch the waters of life pass us by. The people and moments in our life move with the water, slowly ever so slightly eroding pieces of us. These pieces of us, we often don’t notice until they’re already gone. We often try to get our pieces back but we never really can. We can accept, however that in rare beautiful instances a person or a moment rather than take away will become one with us. So we are all a boulder sitting in a river slowly withering away, but we are also conglomerate masses of the people and things that made us who we are. It will often feel like your rock is an island in the river of life where nobody passes you by. We know in contrast that no man is an island, we become a piece of others and some become a piece of us. So, when you feel like you’re falling apart,know that you may be growing just as much, and know that you’re never truly alone. We are shaped by life, and sometimes that feels difficult and terrible to take. Each moment is worth it even through the pain, this life is an opportunity to be shaped into who we are meant to be; but moreover it is an opportunity to help shape others for the better. When the river is rough, your edges feel blunt, and you feel like you’ve been left alone beneath the waves; remember that God made this river and he also made you. The river can be rough, that’s the weight of this life, but it flows into eternity, and there we can all thrive. Here in the river before you make it to the end remember the affect you have on others, help them to seek a better end. Because we all flow into eternity, but the river splits into two paths, only one is good, but both are everlasting.

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An Ending Well Met

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Restoration and growth, I found in myself the ability to let go.

I said what I needed to and in that I found my peace, I escaped great loss and know now what it’s like to be free.

I’ve seen you for who you are and am able to let this pass I wish nothing but the best for you, and I know that feeling will last.

My soul restored, my ability to write still around, I accept in this moment a peaceful and comforting sound.

The sound of my inner voice resounds in my mind, I am enough, so to myself I will be kind.

I have found this peace through you and through God, one with myself accepting these feelings though they may be odd.

I am me and you are you, through simple clear communication I have come to know truth.

The fruit of my efforts did not grow what I had sought, but I still feel closure and that is saying allot.

An end to a beginning that was fruitful and great I accept this today, I accept our seperate fates.

If only I had met you at a diffrent time, yet maybe this was how we were meant to meet and that can be sublime.

Sublime, the perfect word to express the end… though of course In such a word I would always welcome something to start again.

Ceaseless in Nature

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Every day since I’ve begun to write of the tremendous impact you’ve had on my life, I’ve wanted to go into detail on just your eyes.

But the words would not come, for there was too much to say, yet now the words are flowing and crashing like waves.

Just like the waves in you eyes, a seafoam forest speckled by sparkling lights.

Your eyes hold a galaxy fully unknown, yet I am here exploring, trying to know.

When my eyes meet yours my senses are set on fire, the way they shine I’m lost in desire.

A desire to know every emotion they hold, I see something more about to unfold.

They hold your emotion and create emotion in me, they are new life and growth, they are a seed.

A seed to start new, a seed to start again, I watch as it grows out never wanting the experience to end.

They are beauty and peace, yet they are a fiery sea, they ignite as do you, and so I know that those fiery eyes are true.

True in the sense that they create more than they destroy, in the midst of deep sorrow, they are my joy.

I am encompassed by them, sinking in their sea, I am enveloped, surrounded, by an ocean made of trees.

Trees that hold so much color though only one is usually seen, they hold every hue, the brightest and darkest of green.

Yet they are usually so bright, a sunrise sky that covers me, no more clouded vision, I am given sight.

Open skies, galaxies, and trees, I knew this would take many words and though I will, I still do not wish to cease.

For She to be Free

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It’s rare to find one’s self feeling in such a way, I want her, to speak to her, my heart has been swayed.

Yet in these feelings so random but so pure,I find myself moving beyond the allure.

For when I pray, I don’t pray for us to be together, I pray for your happiness, for whatever is better.

Better whether I can hold her or not,her smile my upmost concern beyond what I have sought.

Of course I seek her heart after the way she’s made me feel, but I recognize it’s damage and wish foremost for it to be healed.

To see her heart whole and to know her smile is true, I think I could move on even whilst knowing I’d be blue.

Yet so far I have not given up, I accept what may come, but until it is clear I will not say that I am done.

I want to pursue this, to show that we could be great, I just hope the expressions of my heart when spoken will not be too late.

I tread carefully though for I know this pursuit is fragile, it’s worth every second, it’s worth waiting for a while.

For while I wait I can still come to know her more, I can fall harder, and prepare myself for what life decides to have in store.

Whatever does happen I find my peace, I just hope she finds hers, I hope her heart can find its release.

Facing Two Futures

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Just because I wish to be with you does not mean It will be so, I have to be prepared for the pain of letting go.

I want you to find joy, and that may not include me, so I decloud my vision once more and force myself to see.

I look to a future where I know you no more, it hurts me at my depths reaches and cracks my core.

Yet I still want most to see you find your peace, to see you find freedom to see you be released.

You’ve had so much pain, so much strife and struggle, my feelings grow for you but still they are muddled.

My feelings are murky because I know what I want, I want to grow close, but I may be the wrong dose.

Only you can decide the medecine you need, so I have to be prepared if it’s a medecine that I can’t be.

For I know I’m not perfect, we are diffrent in many ways, and yet the more I know the more I feel we are quite the same.

I feel like we fit like a two piece puzzle, but whether that is really true is up to you and that is my struggle.

A struggle worth facing, and so I wil write, to calm my heart, and stop it from racing.

For though it races for you it may not be my place, I hope that it is, but if not that is something that I can and will face.

Trial by Lightning

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My heart aches, so I must keep writing, in a world thats grown dark with storms I look to the lightning.

For lightning is fierce and destructive in nature but is also power instructed where to go by a savior.

So I look to the lightning to inspire my thoughts, lost in a storm but I am learning allot.

I’m learning once again what it’s like to feel this way, to see a woman, and see my heart turn to color when it was gray.

The lightning has struck and electrified my soul, in the distraction of the storm it was my heart that she stole.

But for once a theif in the night is a welcome sight.

I see her run with my heart in the glow of the lightning, and I welcome these feelings even though they’re frightening.

I don’t expect my feelings to be returned, yet still in this storm i can’t help but yearn.

Coated in the rain yet still I thirst, to know her more would be to lift my curse.

To escape from the storm and be inspired by the sun, all I need to do is catch up to her, and so I run.

I run by the lightning as it strikes by my steps, yet I still run faster for she is worth the loss of breath.

I fear nothing now for I know what I seek I step out of the storm into the sun, and she is now all that I see.

Strength in Declaration

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I said one last time, expecting the way I feel to just end, yet here I am sitting and writing again.

I don’t know what to say just like I don’t know what to feel, I am caught in a haze unsure of what is real.

You were real, and real you stay, yet here I am losing sight of you as I reach the end of a day.

You are more than these words, more than my attraction, yet I feel I fell short, less than myself, just a fraction.

A fraction of me cant be enough, you deserve more, you deserve someone with the capacity to love.

And I don’t know if I have it in me, I’m changing and growing, but still my heart is slowing.

I want it to beat fast for the you I have come to know, but all it can do is make me feel low.

My heart fails me as I’ve fallen once again, I’m so tired of falling, I just want this fall to end.

And yet I’m refused, my wishes will not come true because every time I see you it all starts anew.

Of course a day may come where you no longer cross my path, but I can’t believe that I would truly want that.

I want you in my path, to walk with you side by side, so I’ll do what I can now to attempt to meet your stride.