grief

Never to be Known

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She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.

She will never see the effect she had on me.

She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.

She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.

Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.

This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.

I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.

I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.

She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.

More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.

Affixed Vision

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Don’t need somebody to save me because I have already been saved, in looking inwards I’ve escaped the grave.

I am known by God and have the will to do what I must, I keep moving forward, my faith based in trust.

I trust that these times I face are only for this moment, I am strengthened by the pressing, strengthened by my atonement.

I atone for my past, for the times I was bitter, for the times I turned my back, for the times I’ve been a sinner.

For by God’s love I was born in sin, but by that love I am born again and again.

I have been made new for the thousandth time, there are no demons in my way that my God and I cannot slay.

I find power in myself that comes from Him, these years of pain were worth it for He is and has always been.

I am already saved, and still am saved more with each day, my God has proven good, so in His presence I will stay.

The World by Her Light

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I just love to watch as she meets with the world, head on, head strong, filling each life with song.

She is a force of joy, a beautiful soul, she needn’t be told, she knows her roll.

She looks for the pieces she knows she must find, not afraid to move forward, she won’t look behind.

She is more fearless then I’m sure she knows, she takes on life and in doing so she glows.

She glows like a beaming light, she fills every room she enters, and it’s really quite the sight.

By her light people are healed and feel loved, I saw God use her, a sign from above.

And yet though she serves God’s purpose I was just a step along her path, just a stop, just the surface.

Because her life will go so much further than here, I see this future for her, and so I hold that image dear.

I am thankful to have been a stop along her path, for she is a moving beacon of light, and I will not be the last.

I know she will help others and bring more joy into this place, she may leave her mark on you, she may leave a trace.

Be thankful for even that… for that trace that she leaves, you can carry that piece with you, and it can help you to believe.

Restoration in the Quiet

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I know that words do not have the power that I wish they did, there is so much more, and in that life’s mysteries are hid.

I wish with just my words I could change what people see and feel, but that is not true life…that is not what’s real.

Because words often aren’t enough, I’ll act, I’ll pray, I’ll try to give out love.

For love is not only expressed in words, it’s the actions, the attitudes, the heart that is stirred.

Now my heart has been stirred, and words were once again not sufficient, but in myself I still find a passion that is relentless.

I have purpose and my words still hold power, they come from a greater source, and so they are worth a painful hour.

For when words are not enough my Lord still makes me whole, words were not enough, yet still He restores my soul.

An Ending Well Met

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Restoration and growth, I found in myself the ability to let go.

I said what I needed to and in that I found my peace, I escaped great loss and know now what it’s like to be free.

I’ve seen you for who you are and am able to let this pass I wish nothing but the best for you, and I know that feeling will last.

My soul restored, my ability to write still around, I accept in this moment a peaceful and comforting sound.

The sound of my inner voice resounds in my mind, I am enough, so to myself I will be kind.

I have found this peace through you and through God, one with myself accepting these feelings though they may be odd.

I am me and you are you, through simple clear communication I have come to know truth.

The fruit of my efforts did not grow what I had sought, but I still feel closure and that is saying allot.

An end to a beginning that was fruitful and great I accept this today, I accept our seperate fates.

If only I had met you at a diffrent time, yet maybe this was how we were meant to meet and that can be sublime.

Sublime, the perfect word to express the end… though of course In such a word I would always welcome something to start again.

Ceaseless in Nature

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Every day since I’ve begun to write of the tremendous impact you’ve had on my life, I’ve wanted to go into detail on just your eyes.

But the words would not come, for there was too much to say, yet now the words are flowing and crashing like waves.

Just like the waves in you eyes, a seafoam forest speckled by sparkling lights.

Your eyes hold a galaxy fully unknown, yet I am here exploring, trying to know.

When my eyes meet yours my senses are set on fire, the way they shine I’m lost in desire.

A desire to know every emotion they hold, I see something more about to unfold.

They hold your emotion and create emotion in me, they are new life and growth, they are a seed.

A seed to start new, a seed to start again, I watch as it grows out never wanting the experience to end.

They are beauty and peace, yet they are a fiery sea, they ignite as do you, and so I know that those fiery eyes are true.

True in the sense that they create more than they destroy, in the midst of deep sorrow, they are my joy.

I am encompassed by them, sinking in their sea, I am enveloped, surrounded, by an ocean made of trees.

Trees that hold so much color though only one is usually seen, they hold every hue, the brightest and darkest of green.

Yet they are usually so bright, a sunrise sky that covers me, no more clouded vision, I am given sight.

Open skies, galaxies, and trees, I knew this would take many words and though I will, I still do not wish to cease.

For She to be Free

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It’s rare to find one’s self feeling in such a way, I want her, to speak to her, my heart has been swayed.

Yet in these feelings so random but so pure,I find myself moving beyond the allure.

For when I pray, I don’t pray for us to be together, I pray for your happiness, for whatever is better.

Better whether I can hold her or not,her smile my upmost concern beyond what I have sought.

Of course I seek her heart after the way she’s made me feel, but I recognize it’s damage and wish foremost for it to be healed.

To see her heart whole and to know her smile is true, I think I could move on even whilst knowing I’d be blue.

Yet so far I have not given up, I accept what may come, but until it is clear I will not say that I am done.

I want to pursue this, to show that we could be great, I just hope the expressions of my heart when spoken will not be too late.

I tread carefully though for I know this pursuit is fragile, it’s worth every second, it’s worth waiting for a while.

For while I wait I can still come to know her more, I can fall harder, and prepare myself for what life decides to have in store.

Whatever does happen I find my peace, I just hope she finds hers, I hope her heart can find its release.

Recovering From Self

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Fear and failure go hand in hand, I fear failing and so I never stand.

I sit idly by far too often with a heart that’s hardened but is trying to soften.

Inspiration alludes me as I sit here tonight, not sure what I’m feeling, so I’m not sure what to write.

Am I stable or just empty, I feel devoid of emotion, hollowed out, and soft spoken.

I can’t speak up because I don’t know what to say, my identity is changing, and I’m waiting for a new day.

Yet a new day doesn’t come, each is feeling the same as the last, I look to the future, but I am gripped by my past.

Will I last, will I make it through these times? Can I really change my whole outlook with a few simple rhymes?

Not sure how to stand, not sure how to speak, but I can write these words, and try to recover from being weak.

The Faults in Failing

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I wish I could grab ahold of the light that I just let die, the wind and weather blew the flame but I just watched it go by….

The light, it was there but now I am nothing, and so are you, a life snuffed out wishing for the beauty of rain when I’m caught in a drought.

I try to channel my pain but I feel like my pain is channeling me I’m not in control and the tears cloud my ability to see.

I don’t remember how to look at life it’s cold, dark, and miserable, filled with endless strife.

The sun and the stars they all seem so dim I am nothing and so are you I feel somehow like my words could have been spoken more true.

Had I been a better man who understood who i was, perhaps I could have helped you instead of feeling the death of love.

Because I did not share enough? I couldn’t save you here… but still I wanted to save you but it’s like I’m constantly driving with no idea how to steer.

The impacts I’ve had… do any of them have meaning, if I couldn’t save you then whats my point of being.

I’m useless I’m nothing and all I do is fail, I’m locked tightly within my own thoughts wishing for a fait worse then this jail.

But is it worse, is that fate not worth being sought, what is life… without you friend it doesn’t feel like allot.

What have my words done, what of the time I have spent, do I mean anything to anyone or am I just an acquaintance for rent.

I am nothing and so are you, lost to the darkness, I can never get you back, what am I supposed to do with that.

What good is the info, what good are these feelings, what do I believe, because death truly does have sting.

To love another person but for them to not know love, I am alive but why, why should i survive.

I don’t want to fight, I want to be nothing for if I am nothing and so are you maybe I didn’t fail and this is just life’s truth.

But are you nothing, I wish this was an answer I could know, is your name remembered, or did it melt with the snow.

I wish my tears could melt instead of forming an endless sea, my heart feels hard and cold, and I don’t know what to be.

Is life pain or is it beauty, in this it all looks wrong, we weren’t even that close anymore and yet I don’t know how to live with you gone.

I feel like I failed caught up in myself, I couldn’t be of use, as always I just sat aloof.

I sat and I failed so now I can only weap my inaction was something I didn’t know death could reap.

I didn’t do my job, I failed as a friend, unsure of myself I just sat and watched your life end.