A Pen For A War

Let pen be grasped as sword, for this battle, and this war.

I fight for freedom that was given unto me, I fight for others, so that they may see.

My eyes have opened up wide so that I would finally see this world, beat down,
broken, but so loved by my Lord.

This brokenness I find, God has made it my purpose to fill the cracks with gold, because beautifully broken is how I see it all, with the eyes of my soul.

So I live this life for God, taking Him with me on every step of the way, my God is a clear path that the world cannot sway.

I will follow this path until the end of my days, for my Lord has restored me, so in Him I shall stay.

I claim these words for God that some would read and be saved, the Lord of creation loves you, and so His son for YOU He gave.

Salvation is in your grasp, so claim it today, there is more than heaven to gain, there is a life full of meaning, and a loss of all shame.

You’re meant for so much more, so please take up your pen… your sword, together we strike at Satan and claim proudly that Christ is Lord.

We are free on this day from our sorrows and soars this battle we have won, but suit up dear child, there is still a war.

Today

Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV

Some Thoughts and A Poem

I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.

My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.

Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.

“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”

There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!

The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.

The boy was plagued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.

The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.

The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.

The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage disappeared.

The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.

This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.

From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constantly molding and strengthening a stone.

Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.

This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.

To See The Sound Of A Soul

Return to me now, oh my dear sweet light, let my soul be set ablaze again, return to me my sight.

   I see once more, like I never have before, the whole world has opened up,  and I am excited to see what’s in store.

   I have found this light, that I once had lost,  now that it has returned I’m trying desperately to find the right words,  but alas, I am at a loss.

   The multitude of emotions I feel welling inside of me like a spring or a geyser ready to burst, I don’t feel like I can capture it, so my soul it thirsts.

   My soul thirsts for true expression, to let every cry of my heart run rampant upon this page, I am an performer, and these letters are my stage.

   So I will watch each movement carefully articulating each line, for I want to get my point across  because I know it must be something divine.

   I am completely lost, but somehow I feel that I am finally found, I do not know what to write so I close my eyes and listen for a sound.

   The sound I’m looking for? Its the sound of inspiration,  the sound of first love, the sound of faith, the sound of sorrow,  the sound of elation.

   All these sounds how can I hear them all, the colors they paint on this page, each are different then the last, but still I can feel each one as though they still hold fast.

   My heart seems equivalent to the waves, I’m sure I can hear it crashing against the shore, it moves unpredictably, but still I want to hear more.

   Any moment I feel that I could drown in my own sorrows, but when I rise above the waves… I see the sunrise on the water and I know that I need to stay.

   This passion I feel, I will express it soon enough, but for now this will have to do, though it may sound rough.

   I have found my light and I hear my sound, and though I may get lost in the waves, I will stand my ground.

Eyes That Ignite

   Give flight to my soul, this beauty that I have known.

   You’re lost to me I know for you are far in my past, still your eyes call to me igniting a fire that lasts.

   You’re more than I could deserve so I dare not even attempt, you’re everything I could desire, my heart is spent.

   This angel’s grace that I see surround you astounds me in it’s depths, the words you speak, the song you sing, it is such a sweet sound to seek.

   Such beauty in  a woman with deep spiritual strength, I long for such a person to hold but still It cannot be so.

   Ill admire you from a far for I know to have you is not my place, so I’ll be thankful just to have known you, just to have seen your face.

My Foolish Heart

I can feel my foolish heart returning to normal. Now, for the first time in a long time, I write. I write not with force or simple desire but because it is the longing of my soul to do so. Now as I ease myself off of my depression medication I am reminded of all the emotions I once felt so strongly. I am returning to who I truly am. Though, I am thankful that my medication aided me in a time where I no longer could stand the perils of my own mind as it fought to destroy its very vessle. Now I can look at myself once more and feel again. I truly see the world in a new light once more. My foolish heart is free from the chains that have bound it. I look back in thanks that I was saved from my own self, but also in sorrow that I lost myself along the way. I strive to go forward now, to listen, and take on every cry that my heart will shout out. Today is the day, I am free and finally I am well. I praise God for it all. My future is bright with the light of a soul that is truly on fire.

The Light Through The Rain

   The rain falls today upon my empty heart, it wells up with water bursting at the seams, I wonder if this pain is real… or has it all just been a dream?

   I’m lost in this world that I’m told is reality, where am I to go next to escape this triviality?

   I don’t know where I am nor where I’m going, I’ve no idea who I even am but still I see a light that is glowing.

   This light… the hope of love in a world so full of loss, I see it in the distance, I face the final boss.

   I fight myself…my own mind, this time I shall win, this time my own light will shine.

Joy

Joy, I feel it course through me as the Holy Spirit wages war for my happiness… for my very soul. Joy is not what most people understand it to be. Joy is the last soldier on a battlefield standing against an army with no chance of survival except by the hand of God. Joy is the hope of God, the comfort that our Savior will hold us steady no matter what storm we face. Every day I face the same battles waged in my mind. I often feel like I can’t break free from my own despair. The beautiful thing about joy that most do not understand is that it is separate from happiness. Joy stays with us even when the tears flow and depression is ripping into our very souls. Joy is trusting in God, in His almighty power. Joy is everything to me, because without it I’d already be dead.

    Joy is the hand that holds on as the rest of your being reaches for the release of death. Joy is what has given me a chance and allowed me to continue to fight. I have such a passion for joy because even now I am deeply saddened by state this world is in. Still, I have a hope and I trust that God will restore light to this broken world. Sometimes I don’t feel like I want to be but I am supposed to be that light. I often cannot help but flicker and sometimes in doing so I hurt others with my flame. It’s difficult and I’ts shameful when you realize you’ve hurt someone else. The reason I need God and joy is so that I can live to see another day and know that God will continue to use me despite my mistakes. I am nothing without God and so He fills me with joy. Though the battles I face are tough and I often grow too tired to face them anymore, I am lucky to have a God who restores me and stands by my side.I may lose myself but God will never forget who I am. My God keeps me and restores me all by the hand of joy.

Vulnerability

It’s hard for most to leave themselves vulnerable, to let their weakness be known. For me however, it is much harder for me to build up a wall. I wish deeply to trust others, to help them in their struggles. I certainly can’t help others if I myself pretend to be fine, how then can I expect others to be honest with me? I’ve often been weakened by the attacks waged by my own mind, and I’ve had to seek help in dealing with that. My truest help comes from God, but I owe allot to the friends who have stood by my side and my family who has constantly lifted me back up. I have not truly fallen yet, I will not do so today, and I certainly will not fall to my sorrows in the future. I don’t mean to say that I will never cry or that I will never need help, what I am saying is that I will make it through, and my testimony will be all the better for it. For all these reasons I say fine, know that I cry, know that I am willing as a grown man to let my mother hold me when I’m to weak on my own, know that I have flaws, but also know this, in my weakness my God is strong. Nothing will have a hold on me for my life already belongs to God. I have found a consistent joyous reminder in my life that no matter what I face I can always trust in my God. Alone I am nothing, with God I am the downfall of the entire kingdom of hell. I claim my life for God today and every day, let life breathe into these dry bones and let my vulnerability be my Gods strength.

The Flood I Feed

   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.

   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an irremediable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.

   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.

   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.