Facing a birthday I dont want to have; what legacy would I leave if today was my last?
When all my days are accounted for, how many did I waste? I look to the mirror with an awful taste.
I blame the man I see once again for all that I’ve felt, “why didnt you do better”, I scream I belt!
You could have been more if you just put in the effort, so why did you wallow in such foolish, false, comfort.
You disappoint with each day that you live, you’ve accomplished nothing, you have nothing to give.
You’ve amounted to a failure and I dont think you’ll ever be more, you’ve reached new depths, found a new floor.
You disgust me in ways I can’t possible express, if you weren’t already so low I would demand you feel like less.
You’re a hollow, shriveling, waste of a man, In all your life you’ve never taken a stand.
You fall endlessly, you fail tremendously,… yet I see you get to your feet ever relentlessly.
You smile back no matter how I beat you down, you walk forward refusing to let me drown.
Another in the mirror stands by your side, I know I’m not alone, I know in whom I can confide.
Christ my foundation, my ever present friend, you demand fondness for my reflection, you bid me to stand.
So stand I must, but first I kneel, to pray at your feet is to find peace in your will.
Another year that felt wasted, but In your hands I’m made whole, I see your plans unfolding, your glory the goal.
Because if even I can be used then anyone can be saved, I forgive the man in the mirror thankful for the path that’s been paved.
Care
A Heart In Flame
A stolen glance embedded with feelings unlikely to be returned, a simple joy to see her, so I allow the heart to yearn.
I start to see the little things, like I’m hanging on air, falling slowly is so sweet so I make an effort to not stare.
A harmless notion that I try not to give too much weight, yet her beauty has put me in an astounded state.
Lost in these little things, In each detail that I notice, she pulls the panic of life and takes it out of focus.
Suddenly the view shifts, everything has changed, I’ve forgotten myself, I’ve forgotten the pain.
Fearless as I face new colors in my life, a vibrant red overtakes the place I thought I’d left empty in my heart and head.
I speak now, through this poem that may never be read, but it is enough just to write it, my heart is still fed.
I find peace in this expression, In letting my heart loose I have found joy in this beauty, and so I choose.
I choose not to let my heart go wild, I choose to simply admire, and maybe still kindle this fire.
For a small flame can still grow if the conditions are right, I’ll tend to it for now Incase It ever grows bright.
The flame will flicker for the features that fill my heart, even if never fully expressed I’ll be thankful for the start.
The start of a new inspiration… a fire that grows, beautiful, or disastrous, only time truly knows.
Psalm 40
My God, do not delay, In this hear my anguish, hear me cry out, hear me pray.
I pray for haste, for persistence, I pray for wisdom, and deliverance.
Deliver me from myself oh Lord, as my flesh pulls me toward the mire, do not let me sink my God, set my feet somewhere higher.
Do not let me be lost to the desires that would drown me in damnation, I can’t allow myself to be stagnant so I return as a prodigal for the celebration.
I beg and cry for you not to delay, yet it is all I’ve done when I hear what you say.
You set my path, you plant my feet, yet I seek the mud, and I’m left in defeat.
My anxieties consume me, my prayers feel distant and weak, I feel you calling me, but I feel lower than meak.
Lately I question as often as I draw breath, am I sure of who I am, do I even have anything left?
I’m not sure what you want because I can’t even imagine how I would be used, I’ve fallen away so often that everything is bruised.
Ive played the fool as life has worn me down, but I want to find joy, I’m so tired of feeling like I’ll drown.
I dont want to panic, I want to catch my breath, I want to be of service, I want to give everything i have left.
So take it all God, I give it freely, if i never eat again I’ll still thank you that Im breathing.
I want to wake each morning with a heart that knows you are great, when the world is crashing around me it is then that I understand my fate.
My fate has been simple all along, it is in His hands, and in that trust is where I belong.
More simple than I ever imagined, more peaceful than my past could believe, in total surrender I have my reprieve.
Who am I that you would think of me, your deeds good and without measure it is in your presence that I find this pleasure.
Pleased with this peace, you are my God, you did not delay, you heard me cry out, and in that same moment I was saved.
Finding Foundation
I tread water, yet I have no control, I am washed in these waves that battle for my soul.
My situation is tenuous, perhaps even dire, I gasp for air, but I am growing tired.
Been in these waters for far too long, got used to going under, thinking maybe it made me strong.
But I have been weak, I became what I am not, lost myself in the waters forgetting why I ever fought.
So it is not enough now to simply come up for air, I can tread no longer for the waves have weight I must not bear.
I take a deep breath, I steel my nerves, I set my sights towards land and choose whom I will serve.
I reach solid ground, yet the waters still lap at my skin, I know it’s not enough, so I move further in.
In and away, away from the waves, and now looking back, they seem so much more like a grave.
I lived in death pretending it could sustain; now I grasp at life as I shed my pain.
Tears flow down as reality hits, I see solid rock, and this is where I sit.
I can still see the waves, so I look to the sky; it begins to rain, and once again, I am no longer dry.
Yet this rain is different than the waves that would be my tomb, I feel peace and warmth, I am completely consumed.
This time though, instead of grasping for survival; I sit on this rock ready for revival.
I am revived fully, washed in this rain, the waves no longer in sight, the fog clears my brain.
On a solid foundation, I see clearly; I have all that I need, and it is on this rock I am finally freed.
Freedom, a final thought for this piece, I am free, and yet I still release.
I release my desperate desire for control, I give it up freely, I give God my soul.
Yes, all along God was the rock, the waves my flesh, and so I take stock.
I take inventory now of the things I have learned, I let go of idols and allow a clean heart to yearn.
I yearn now for the One it always should have been, the Lord my God has freed me from my sin.
Never to be Known
She will never know… never know how I’ve grown.
She will never see the effect she had on me.
She won’t read the lines I was lead to write. She won’t know they kept me up at night.
She won’t feel that passion I poured into these pages, but I still pray for her happiness to grow through the ages.
Another stepping stone of growth and learning, but this time, I’m not even left with the yearning.
This made sense. The pieces didn’t fit, so it’s bittersweet, but I’m not in a pit.
I’m still on a peak staring down at the valleys, I see the forest I’d lost myself in, and now I can rally.
I rally myself, I muster my spirit, I dive into my emotions and allow myself to feel it.
She may never know what these words mean for me to write, but even so, I am happy to bring them to light.
More words bleed out than what I knew I had left, and yet I feel steady. There is joy in each breath.
Divided Attention
Can I see the forest for the trees? No, I am lost in the forest. It looks like the sea.
A sea of trees deep in the autumnal season, having lost all their leafs.
And through the bare branches, it is sun, shimmering on sap that sits and shines even when the day is done.
Because the night is not enough to take away this light.
The moon shines through the branches all the same, with starlight a fire flickers that does not burn, that does not maim.
Deep and unyielding, a sea of brown with flecks of silver and gold, the forest is alight, a story that is new yet old.
It is not that I see love in these trees. It is just that I am thankful that for a moment, they shined their light on me.
Distant Dreams
Distant memories haunt me today, ones I thought I had put away.
I let go, I moved forward, I felt peace that lasted; yet now my dreams take me, and they don’t take me past it.
Instead, I am taken to the past, to a time when my dreams were more vivid, consumed by you once more, and so I must live it.
I live in that dream, the one that I don’t want to be defining, yet you’re here again… in my writing.
I write you away as I’ve done once before, the dream fades, and my heart no longer sways.
I let go again, and hope that better times are on their way, I let myself dream, but this time of better days.
Facing Our Worries
Early this Sunday morning im thinking about worries. Every day I feel anxious about something, worrying about the things ahead of me. The thing about worrying though is that each and every one of them is something that we cannot change. Usually this bad thing that may happen, if it does there is nothing we can do about it. This is where God comes in, we are told to cast our worries on Him.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NIV
Give it all to God today, do not be shaken, conquer every fear, and let God handle what you can’t. There are many things that we wont be able to change, but for those things God is our only option. I think this is pretty comforting, it makes the thought process pretty simple. Go through the steps and ask yourself, can you change it? If the answer is no give it to God. Now if we have given this worry to God then who are we to continue to worry about what the God of all creation will do with our situation? God has a purpose for all things, and if the worse should come to pass take confidence that He will use it for good. Focus on what is in front of you, not what is ahead.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV
No worry is too small or too big, God will gladly handle your situation. It will be a challenge because you have to trust in God’s timing as well, but in the end it will always be well worth it. Remember in your struggle that God is constant and hears your prayers, but perfect timing doesnt happen right when you ask for it, it happens when the timing is perfect. When you look back on struggles in your past you will usually notice great blessings that only came because of what you went through. I was talking to a friend just recently about something bad that he had went through that made him feel like he had really been set back in life. We sat and looked at the situation though, if he hadn’t gone through that we wouldn’t have been so close, he wouldn’t have been as driven as he is now, and he may not have been as happy as he now is. The point is, sure he could have been further in life already, but he is catching up. He learned allot through that struggle, he will go forward in life stronger, more confidently, and wiser than before. New opportunities await him that may be greater than ones he would have had without that struggle. New opportunities await you as well, never focus on the sorrow that is, but instead on the joy that will be.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18 NIV
We have free will, that means that there are going to be mistakes, but oh what an all powerful God we serve that he moves the very earth around us to compensate for each one. Don’t question God’s plan, He will make happen what is supposed to happen, and eventually in His time you will find your joy. Worries are not worth our time, spend time in prayer and God will grant you comfort. Remember that it is out of your hands. We need to remember to let go, and humble ourselves. We do not need to control everything we face. Let your Father in Heaven handle the things that you can’t, it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise. Be comforted that while we are merely human the most powerful being that is has your situation in His hands, and nothing can stop the hands of God.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?
Isaiah 14:27 NIV
A Letter From My Heart “Not Again”
Not again, you can’t possibly do this to us again we have learned our lesson it has to end.
I have so many scars I don’t even look like me anymore, how could you risk me like this, how could you put me in danger it’s just a girl she is practically a stranger.
I don’t see how you can act this way, after all we have been through after all the tears, you still think I have the capacity for love… after all of these years?
I thought we had reached an understanding, I thought you shut me off, I was resting and now suddenly I’m beating once more, and what is it all for how can she be worth it… I’m just far too sore.
I am trying so hard but you just keep pushing, I keep telling you too give up before it is too late, but still you try and you tell me that It’s fate.
How can you be such a fool, I am so broken, if this goes wrong there is no way that I will survive, please just stop and think about my life.
So, she might be your muse, it has happened before, you act like it means something just because she brings us joy does not mean she won’t break us at our very core!
You are so lost in her eyes you can’t even think straight, she could kill us, how is that for fate?
I just don’t get why I had to belong to you, you love too easily, and you’ve broken me all the way through.
I hope you will just listen because I’m saying this as a friend, I want us to live, we do not have anything left to give.
I don’t think you can hear me right now, mainly because she just smiled again, I know because I’m beating faster, and yes it feels good but at what price… I… I am caught in a vise.
I can’t deny that I want to love again, I feel a spark when you look at her, but still this fire could die and then what, will you just leave me to fry?
I know you want this and partly I do too but just listen to me, you can’t do this… it will probably all be in vain, just please I’m begging you now, not again…
Today
Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV
