I know that words do not have the power that I wish they did, there is so much more, and in that life’s mysteries are hid.
I wish with just my words I could change what people see and feel, but that is not true life…that is not what’s real.
Because words often aren’t enough, I’ll act, I’ll pray, I’ll try to give out love.
For love is not only expressed in words, it’s the actions, the attitudes, the heart that is stirred.
Now my heart has been stirred, and words were once again not sufficient, but in myself I still find a passion that is relentless.
I have purpose and my words still hold power, they come from a greater source, and so they are worth a painful hour.
For when words are not enough my Lord still makes me whole, words were not enough, yet still He restores my soul.
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A Debate on Love and Dreaming
I used to believe in love, in the true fairy tale sense of the word. I used to believe two people found one another and everything just clicked. I used to believe in the possibility of a happiness I’m no longer sure truly exists. This world seems full of far too many distractions and I feel far too full of sorrows and disappointments to ever return to the self that I once knew. I used to believe in love, and I want to again.
Yet here I am in a world where the majority of my options for meeting a girl are pretending I’m something I’m not on a dating app, going to a bar, or a club. None of those things suit me so I’m just wondering how my fairy tale ending will come about. Has it all only been fantasy, did I grow up learning to dream only to learn now that dreams are faulty and that reality disappoints. All of the optimism within me has died, I myself have died. I am a fragile shell of the man I once was clawing to discover who I am meant to be now. This is all because my heart was crushed just one to many times and now I feel love isn’t real.
I feel like I’m doomed to lead a life in which my ability to dream is crushed and grinded into dust until I just settle. I want more than anything to believe there is more for me, that the hope welling up in my heart is real. I haven’t felt hope in so long and yet here it is once more. Is love real? I ask myself this tonight because the hope in my heart hurts me rather than lifts me up. It hurts because it’s fleeting and after I finally go to sleep here at 5 am I will be waking up in a world where that hope has faded and the me that I could just barely see has faded as well.
Seeing all the dreams you had for the future fall like dominoes until the last thing they knock down is you, that’s where I am. I’m lying on the ground crushed by the weight of a tumbling pile of bricks. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. In truth this is the most emotion I’ve managed to muster in quite some time. I don’t write much anymore because nothing like this ever comes about because the part of me that could dream was the part of me that would write. I believed the world was better then what I saw but now I just see the bad and I’ve lost the hope.
So now I am writing at least one more time wondering if it will be the last. Will my emotions fully fade and a tear never fall down my cheek again. Will love ever find me once more, or have my walls come up too high? I don’t know what to ask, wonder, or do. How will I know if love exists unless I find it; and how do I have faith until I do?
My heart so often feels empty and yet tonight it feels momentarily full. I write with ease once more because I can feel the dreams returning and a hope that love can truly conquer all. I am a mess, I will never be the greatest catch in the world, but I am meant to love who I am. Flaws and all I am happy with the me that dreams foolishly and believes that love holds some of the greatest power in this world. This type of me may have great trouble finding the person who is meant for me, however at least then I won’t settle. So let me set aside the crushing defeats of the real world, let me turn myself around and first learn how to love myself.
I’m going on a journey of rediscovering myself. I will get better each day I will speak positively and dream big dreams. I will be crazy, foolish, and thank all those who helped me along the way. I choose to believe in love and end this written debate between me myself and I. My dreams are real and I am never to old nor too young, the start of my life once more lies on the other end of this night of sleep. So I will dream beautiful dreams tonight as I sleep and even when I wake up I will refuse to stop. A new me is being born much like an old me I once knew, a dreamer, and believer in love. Love that changes everything and one day I will know that love, but for now I will become the best me I can not for anyone else but because believing in love means loving myself, and that’s something I had forgotten. Now I can rest, and I can smile because for the first time in a very long time I am going to sleep with love on my mind and in my heart.
Tangible Love
I want to explore the type of love that humans most seek out. I feel that we most often seek out a love that is most tangible to us. We want a love that we can run to, a love that we can feel, hear, and see. We want a love that can be proved because we are doubting insecure beings. We even often convince ourselves that we deserve someone’s love just because we gave love to them. The truth behind the tangible love we usually experience though is that it is inconsistent, it fails, and both people need to reciprocate the love for it to work.
The reason I’ve set out to explain our connection with this tangible love is so that I can explore why it is so difficult for us to seek earnestly the perfect love of God. The perfect love of God does not need to be reciprocated, it is given to us without question. God’s love is unfailing and always the same, which is why it can feel foreign and seems almost impossible that it could exist. God’s love often feels intangible, we cannot touch it, or prove it by the verbal affirmation we are used to receiving from people.
The love we receive from God is different, but it is better. We do not have to work for this love, it is there for us constantly, and the words of affirmation that we seek and feel that we don’t receive are hidden in pages in that book that collects dust on most of our shelves. Whenever one begins to feel separated from God it can often mean that they aren’t communicating with Him, and long distance relationships are always hard without communication, in fact any relationship is.
God’s way of communicating His love for us is best felt through digging into the scripture, the pages of the Bible are truly a love letter written for us. We expect to be able to connect with God and return His love when we will not even read the pages on which the Lord of all creation poured His very heart out on. Our father in Heaven gave us the perfect reminder of His love in the Bible, and the Bible is a tangible thing, we can feel it, we can see it, we can run to it, and while we may not necessarily be able to prove it all, that is where faith steps in. The success of our relationship with God is based solely on our faith and willingness to participate in the relationship.
God is already constantly putting in His half of the work, so when we don’t feel God’s love we must ask ourselves how we are disconnecting from Him. While God’s love for us is perfect the relationship itself is flawed if we are not putting in work as well. Not only are we disadvantaged by not reading the scripture but we are also held back if we do not take opportunities to tell God we love Him. I am sure many would say that they say they love the Lord but ask yourself when the last time was that you poured your heart out in worship or prayed a prayer that brought you to tears. How often do we with full sincerity while putting meaning behind our words tell God that we love Him?
In the Church, we often use the phrasing “God knows my heart”, but isn’t this just being lazy and avoiding the effort that we should be putting into our relationship with God. God may know what you want to say but if you do not pour your heart out earnestly you are doing yourself a disservice, not God. It is our hearts that seek out verbal affirmation and our hearts that not only need to hear it but need to feel like they are being heard as well. God is always listening but if we aren’t talking there is nothing that can be done for us.
So, my challenge for anyone who reads this post is to make your love relationship with God a tangible one, read your Bible, make it to Church, worship with full abandon, and make sure you are expressing your love to God in everything you do. Without love we have nothing, but if we can be in a true reciprocal tangible relationship with God then my friend, we have everything.
Eyes
I often look into peoples eyes and see more than what i feel others see. Each eye holds its own glimmer and shine, and each in its own spot. The eyes color, light, and movement along with the things we feel tell stories that most don’t know how to read. Within eyes one can see honesty, lies, joy, sadness, pain, faith, and much more. I believe there are small worlds held within our eyes filling each particle of color up with our thoughts and emotions. It’s truly amazing how we as people can fall for certain eyes my poison of course is brown eyes. Every time I look into a pair of brown eyes i could swear their entire soul is on display. The worlds I see within them are like a fantasy world to me, I’d do anything to make my way in and stay. Often times people with brown eyes don’t even like their own eyes and it breaks my heart because I find them so wonderful. The mountain of poems that have been inspired by brown eyed girls just shows how dearly my soul will reach out for them. It seems like such a small quality the color of one’s eyes and admittedly in a way it is. There is no guarantee that the woman I marry will have brown eyes because while I fall for a color what I truly fall for is the soul inside. We should all pay more attention to the individual little flickers of emotion within each-others eyes. The beauty that I’ve discovered by consistently gazing into others eyes has filled my soul. While this world will fill your eyes with darkness, sorrow, and tears, one can always see that one little glimmer in the corner of the eye reminding us all that our soul is alive and will remain unbroken by the terrors of this world. The glimmer for me and that of many others is a flame that will never die out, i hold fast to the joy of Christ and His love will forever guide my eyes.
Wanderlust
Every time i walk in a room, i believe she’ll be there, my perfect woman built by God with great care.
I’m looking around at every moment of every day believing ill find her, and that in my arms is where she’ll stay.
The most crowded rooms I’ve seen have seemed empty after one glance, because she was not there, so that moment was not my chance.
I search far and wide with a mouth that often refuses to speak, how will i know it’s her, will heavens light shine down on the one i seek?
Id go to the ends of the earth to find this love, because i know it will fill me and surround me, it will fit like a glove.
So far i search but do not find, so I’m stuck, lost, and completely full of wanderlust; i fall at Gods feet, in His plan ill trust.
Tales of Dylan 