Month: October 2018

Feeling Like Peter

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I have recently been finding my way back to serving God with more consistency, making sure to read my Bible, writing more, and ministering to others. For quite some time I had become stagnant in my faith, I had become still and lazy. Now I have discovered in myself a new found passion for serving my God. I have been able to remind myself of this deep and beautiful love connection that I have with God and how vital it is to my very existence.

I have been feeling better than ever but yesterday on my way to work I began to pray. When I started to pray it was a simple prayer like many others that I have prayed but as it went on I reached this point of talking to God about how much I had been pushing him aside lately and I found myself praying repeatedly, ” I love you Lord, I love you Lord”. In this moment I think I understood the Interaction between Peter and Jesus after Peter denied Jesus three times Jesus asked Peter, “do you love me”, three times and each time Peter replied yes but was hurt that Jesus had asked him 3 times. (John 21:15-17) I think Peter felt that Jesus was calling into question his love but I think that is far from the case. In this passage Jesus is helping Peter to reaffirm his love for Jesus and to forgive himself  for denying Christ.

Peter could have gone on feeling ashamed of what he had done, feeling like he no longer deserved to serve God. or to minister to others. Jesus freed Peter of his would be shackles though and told Peter, “feed my sheep”. Jesus in this passage says to Peter that what matters is that he loves Jesus and from that point continues to serve him. In each, “yes you know I love you Lord” Peter is given an opportunity to in a way apologize while reminding himself of his love of Jesus. Jesus knew that Peter would go onto Minister and do great things in the nations in the name of God, He knew that Peter’s story was not over yet. When I was repeating to God in my Prayer that I loved Him over and over it was not for His benefit but for my own. I in that moment of vulnerability had to apologize to God for each time that I had picked something else over Him, each time that I had pushed God aside, and reaffirm for myself that I truly deeply love God.

I have understood for but a moment how Peter must have felt, the need and sorrowful thirst for a forgiving unrelenting love. I found myself with tears in my eyes because with each, “I love you” that I prayed I could only hear the words, “I know”. In my sorrow that I had turned my back on the lover of my soul and healer of my heart I knew that I did not deserve open arms and a loving embrace but that is exactly what I was given. God looked on me with compassion and said that He knew all along I would return, I was never doubted for a second, God was waiting with arms stretched wide. Now in my heart I cannot believe that I let the love letter from my God gain even one speck of dust, I hold my Bible tight and know that my story is not over. From this point on I will continue to serve God in many ways. A great path is set before me and I am beyond excited for each step that I will take.

 

This Light That I Have Seen

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Why is my heart so distracted by her, why has my heart become so overwhelmed? Why does it feel as though I am feeling for the very first time? My soul grasps at a beauty that I do not understand. I see her spirit and it is light itself. My heart is overjoyed by the simplest of things, to hear from her at all each word fills my heart until it overflows. I feel pathetic and foolish because I can see that she is the most beautiful soul I have yet to encounter and yet I am too hesitant and too fearful to even reach out. She sets a fire within me that cannot be quelled. She has a soul that is hard to miss, it overtakes the room. I feel that I can truly see her soul, and I can’t help but want to know more. I can see in her the perfect love of God and I believe that is what has stopped me in my tracks. She is a true woman of God and I see in her more beauty then I thought possible to find. I am overjoyed by her existence, but too fearful to do anything but feel these things from afar. She has affected my very soul and it has become hard to keep the cries of my spirit quiet. My heart is shouting out at me but I am pushing my emotions aside. Without pursuing I can’t fail, but in not pursuing I feel as though I have failed myself. She seems to be an unreachable light, what am I to do, what path do I take? All I can do now is pray and listen for God’s voice. Is she someone I can reach, or is she just an inspiration to push me on, I do not know yet. What I do know is that I am deeply happy that I have met someone like her, a woman with such a spirit that my heart would be this deeply moved. I only hope that she knows she is beautiful, and that she knows that she is an astounding image of the love of God.

Fading Lights

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  I am awake and lost in thought, thinking about the way she smiles, thinking that I haven’t seen her in a while.
   What an inspiration she should be but i’m too afraid to let those emotions in, too afraid to let my heart win.
   I see her and she is shining brilliance, I swear I can see her soul, and its too beautiful for me to keep control.
   I’ve only spoken to her briefly, but I want to talk with her for hours on end, I wish I could get closer even just become a friend.
   I don’t see myself as worthy, i don’t see how I could deserve one such as her, but still the light in her eyes sets my heart a-stir.
   I’m lost in this light that shines brighter than anything else in the room, like a moth to a flame, this joy could be my doom.
  I miss her, my soul cries out for the connection it felt… it doesn’t seem right I barely know her, but even so my emotions can’t be helped.
   It is as if I see in her the reprieve to all the darkness I’ve known in this world, in her I see hope, I see beauty, I see an end to sorrow, in her I truly can see my tomorrow.
   Ive barely scratched the surface and I want to know more but instead I stay still, not making a move, because if I do I could lose this small joy I have that just seeing her face makes me feel like I have nothing to lose.
   What a foolish heart I have that I’ve become so enthralled by a girl, I  haven’t seen her in a while…yet she is the person I would want to hear from most in this world.